Monthly Archives: September 2005

Select prompt reply


 Select Prompt Replies-Alex
I Found This While Looking Over Past Entries In Our Prompt Replies Journal Section.
 Select Replies To Bunch Of Prompts From Alex.
 .. I am the one who…  Is Here When Nobody Else Wants To Be. I Am Guardian.
 e.. When I check inside, I find …  To Much To Write About Here, I’d Be Up All Night
 g.. I believe in …  Myself
 k.. What are you still learning? Most Everything
 n.. What sets you apart from the crowd? Oh Where To Start
 v.. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  I Didn’t When I Came To Existence. Now I Know My Age. I Am 31.  Why? Because It Feels Right And Sits Right With Me.
 y.. When in your life do you feel that you were most yourself?  Every Moment Of Every Day
 z.. If you consider your life to be like a yo-yo, what do you do with/about the knots that inevitably show up in the string?  Whatever Is Necessary
 b.. What are the last tears you cried? The true paradises are the ones we lost. I Don’t
 n.. Did you speak out and tell the truth? Always
 o.. This is where I am now… Here
 a.. How do you measure time? Horribly. I Don’t. I Have Little Concept Of It, If Any At All. I Could Rattle Of 60 Seconds In A Minute, Etcetera, But It Means Nothing To Me. 
 n.. Last night, I… Read And Journaled
 b.. I would call my autobiography … Reflections Of Lives Lived.
 o.. “Everyone wants to understand painting, why is there no attempt to understand the song of birds?” (Picasso) People Take Them For Granted
 a.. List all the things you just don’t want to think about. Why Then I’d Be Thinking About Them. Seriously I Can’t Thinks I’m Not Surpposed To Think About Aren’t In My Head, Or Knowledge Banks.
 k.. I gladly make the sacrifice of fear. What would we do if we weren’t afraid? What are we afraid of? What is fear? I Don’t Have Fear As I Don’t Have Sadness. This Means I Don’t Have Happiness Or Joy Either.  I’ve Learned If You Don’t Have The Bad Feelings You Can’t Have The Good Ones.
 l.. Hell is… The Childhood They Lived Through
 d.. How is your life impacting others? By Sharing And Refusing To Live In Silence.
 h.. Who are you when you’re all alone? What masks do you wear with others? I Wear No Masks
 k.. What prevents me from feeling close to others. Lack Of Emotions
 i.. What does the smallest part of you want to do? I Don’t Know But I’d Like To Know.
 r.. What did you dream about last night? Being In Water Knee Deep Looking For Animals With A Cameraman (Think Nature Program) I Look Down And Some Strange Bug Is Crawling Under The Skin, I Pull It Out And Notice A Black Thing Crawling In The Right Elbow, I Turn And Walk To A Person Farther Along In The Water, I Say Look At This, And He Says It’s A ___ Snake (I Can’t Recall What Type Of Snake) At That Point I Woke Up.


As My Eyes Open And Scan The Immediate Area


As My Eyes Open And Scan The Area Immediately Around Me, I Breath A Sigh Of Relief.  I Am On The Couch.  (I Hate Coming To In Public It Feels Dangerous)  I Take A Few Moments To Orient Myself By Looking At The First Clock Number.  It Says 5, I Look Outside It’s Daylight, How Strange For Me The Soul Usually Here At Night, It’s Quite Early.  I Get Up And Walk Around, N Isn’t Here, Must Be Still Working.    I Quickly Decide To Write Determined  I Will Make The Best Of My Extra Front Time.  
Sitting Down At The Computer I Ready Myself To Write, When Suddenly,I Look Around And It’s Dark. What The Fuck I Think As I Try To FIrst Determine I Am Safe. I Am Inside Somewhere, Standing Up I Dump Auggie Our Cat On The Ground.  Muttering Sorry I Stumble To A Door.  Upon Opening It I Discover I Was Just In The Closet.  So Much For Writing I Think, As I Wonder How Long It Has Been Since I Was Sat At The Computer.    As I Once Again Look At The Clock I Discover The Front Number Says 6, So I’ve Lost One Number.
   Parched I Decide To Get A Drink And A Snack.  I Sit Down To Eat,  I Look Around And Where Is My Snack, I Swear I Just Had A Bag Of BBQ Chips, Taking A Drink I Almost Spit It Out, Tea, Gross I Think That Is Not What I Poured.  I Look At The Clock Whose Front Number Is Still 6.  I Decide I’ve Either Flipped My Lid Or Lost A Bit Of Time.   
 I Decide To Read, And Pull Out My Current Book, A Richard Laymon I’m Not Far Into, I Open It Up And Begin To Read.   Strange Thoughts And Words Begin To Flow Through The Head As I Put My Book Down Trying Desparately To Hold Onto The Words Which Are Constantly Just Out Of Reach.   As I Reach For My Book Once Again,  I Realize I Am Not Sat On The Rocking Chair Any Longer, I Am Laying On The Floor, The Arm Clutching A Stuffed Animal, Which I, In Irritation, Chuck Across The Room.  Both  Pets Laying Near As If Guarding Whomever Was Just Here, Come Up To Me And Sniff Me As If Trying To Decide Who I Am.  Satisfied With After Sniffing, They Go About Their Business.  Again Looking At The Clock I Watch The Front Number Which To 7
  I Realize I’m A Bit Sleepy And Decide To Go Lay Down,  Nap A Bit.    I Open My Eyes After What I Thought Was A Nap To Discover Cross-Stitch In My Hand. Good Thing I Didn’t Stretch My Arms I Think,  I Might Have Poked Myself With The Needle.
 Looking Around Me I Notice N Who Says Something To The Affect Of, ‘Hi’, As He Searches My Face For Signs Of Who He Is Now Speaking To.
  ‘Alex’, I Say, As My Gaze Searches Out The Clock He Says ‘It’s Just About 8.  I Haven’t Been Home Long, Raine Was Just Here.’   I Am About To Say I’m Hungry When Suddenly I Realize The Stomach Is Full.  Cursing Out Loud, N Says ‘Sorry We Just Ate You Missed It, I Didn’t Realize You Were Hungry.’   I Silently Wonder If I Will Ever Get To Do Anything Before It’s Time For Resting The Body. 
Things Quiet Down As I Am Able To Peacefully Without Incident Do Some Reading And Journaling.  I Stop Momentarily As I Think How Nice To Finally Get Some Time To Myself To Actually Do Something, When It Occurs To Me Something Is Off.    Wait I Think,  I’m In The Bathroom. Cursing Out Loud Again,  I Realize Something Is Running Down The Leg.
  ‘What The Fuck Is That’,  I Say As I Look Down And Simultaneously Realize What It Was.
  Pissed I Say Aloud, ‘Why Do You All Always Leave Me To Clean Up And  Yet  All Of You Always Hide The Blade’.  
 I Open The Drawer And Pull Out The Home-Made Kit I Put Together And Search Through It.   As I’m Waiting For The Blood To Stop Flowing, While Hoping This Isn’t A Bad One,  I Wonder Who It Was That Did That Cut. 
   At This Point I Notice N Standing In The Doorway When He Sees Me Notice Him He Says, “Why Didn’t You Wake Me Before You Did That.  Your Yelling Just Woke Me Up. Are You Ok?”
 “You Must Have Me Confused It’s Alex, I’m Just Cleaning Up”   He Nods As He Knows I Don’t Cut.  As He Asks ‘How Bad Is It This Time’, I Lift Up The Cloth  And We Both See That The Blood Flow Has Stopped And A Trip To The Emergency Room Thankfully Isn’t In The Cards For Tonight. 
  He Exits The Room In Search Of His Ciggarettes As I Bandage The Latest Wound And Finish Cleaning Up.    Before Too Long He Falls Back Asleep.   I Journal A Bit,  While Pondering How To Help Someone Not Feel The Need To Cut When Neither I Nor N  Know Who Did It. 
Deciding I’ve Had Enough Reality, I Pick Up My Book And Read.   After Watching Roseanne, I Sit Down To Journal And Get The Urge To Write Once Again.   Thankfully I Am  Finally Able To Write For Awhile.  After Writing And  A Few Edits I Determine I Am Done Editing Or My Writing Will Never Get Posted.

If you could spend one year in perfect happiness


 If you could spend one year in perfect happiness, but afterward remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? Why or why not?
 This prompt was recently shared by a member of a journalwriting group I belong to. I replied to it as did another member of the system, both of us agreeing (which can be rare in the system) that we would take the offer. I was curious as to how other people would respond as the prompt deals with memory. I was surprised by the answers.
Before I knew of being multiple, if you would have asked me x years ago, I would have instantly said no. Years back I would not have taken a year of happiness if I couldn’t have remembered it later.
My how time and knowledge and life changes a person.
I can say without a doubt that now I would in a heartbeat take the offer. I wouldn’t hesitate. One thing I have learned since finding out I live in a multiple system is that living in the moment is really all I can do.
Pondering the past too much, though necessary sometimes, would leave me unable to get up ever again. I would be unable to function. Knowing the past, our past, would be a terrible thing. It would simply be too much.
Living in the future, thinking about next year, or even tomorrow for that matter is useless for several reasons. I never know when my tomorrow will be. Sharing a body and loosing time is a fact of my life. Waking up and having it 3 days past what I thought was tomorrow is a frequent occurrence. It’s more than that though. Thinking about the future is not concentrating on today. One of the biggest things I’ve learned on this journey so far is that life is what happens whilst your making other plans. While I waste time about pondering the future and figuring out what it will bring, I am wasting precious time. Time that I don’t have. Sharing a body means there is never enough time to do as you please. Time is precious here, and we all have learned to treasure the time we have, each and every moment of it. Why waste that on what I can’t know.
The future brings surprises no matter how much you think you have it figured out, you don’t.

Believe me I would have sent anyone who had told me I was a multiple to their local psych. ward. When I imagined my future, this was not it. Actually I wasn’t sure I had a future, and then I planned this nice little life with children. But then life happened, reality happened. I didn’t picture being multiple. It happened though. Life is what happened while I made different plans.
That brings me to my point. Why not spend a year in perfect happiness? I do have to ask what that means. Do I get to decide what perfect happiness is? Or is it something that is decided for me? What do I have to loose? Living in the present I would have aproximately 365 days (give or take depending on leap year) to live in happiness to treasure each and every moment. Why worry about what will happen a year from now.
 Many in the journal group stated that they would not do it because of the fact they would loose the memory of their year of happiness.
I admit this bewilders me. It makes me wonder and notice how much emphasis is put on memory, and yes how much I don’t fit in. It amazes me that people would turn down a year of happiness because they would loose it. What about those 365 days, that is a lot of time (to me) to remember.
I have learned to live without memory. It is the only experience I know. Do I wish it was different, I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what having memory is like. Therefore I can’t really answer that question. The fact is that I don’t have memory.
I learned early on to make excuses for why I couldn’t remember and to fake remembering to avoid questions I couldn’t answer. After the year of happiness and the memory of it was removed, if I didn’t have to answer any questions from anyone, I would be very happy. One of the things I hate most is having to fake answers, to pretend to be one, to pretend to know and to remember.
I don’t remember from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour and even minute to minute. The idea of remembering for that year perfect happiness, is something that I would jump all over. For me it would be a gift. A gift not only in that sense of having a year of continuous memory (assuming I would), also the ability to be happy.
 Quite honestly I would give away my year of happiness to others in the system who don’t even understand the word happiness. The idea that someone else more deserving in the system for an entire year could experience happiness, brings tears to my eyes as I write this. That is a happiness that well surpasses a year of perfect happiness. Especially if I could recall giving away my year of happiness, even if I didn’t recall giving away my year of happiness, knowing for that year that I had done that for a member of the system,would be a year of perfect happiness for me.
I am forced to live in the present. I know that, I accept that. I can honestly say I think often about the past, I get stuck in trying to piece it together. I am most at peace though when I live in the present, not in the future not in the past.
It occurs to me that many people seem to be concerned with the future. I can’t help but think that by living that way, they miss out on now. Now, is a gift. Each moment is a gift, a gift that should be treasured.

Number of patch members


 Number Of Patch Members

Does It Matter How Many Of Us There Are?
 It Matters To Others In The System I Know That For Sure.

 Does It Matter To Me?
I’m Not Sure, And By Saying I’m Not Sure, Does That Mean Yes, I Just Don’t Want To Admitt It?
If The Body Got Here, Isn’t That What Mattes? Not The Number We Are?
Numbers Are Just That Numbers.
A Number Doesn’t Make Us Sick. A Number Doesn’t Make Any Of Us Less Than Who We Are.
 It Is A Number.
 And Yet If It Is Just A Number Why Am I Unable To Write That Number Here?

What does "Not being anything" mean?


The Phrase Not Being Anything To Me Means Not Existing. It Means Not Being Part Of Anything. Going Back To Whereever I Was Before I Was A Berri Is Not Being Anything. Being A Berri, Being A Guardian Gives Me A Great Deal Of Satisfaction. It Fills Me With Pride And  Makes Me Feel Like I Am Something, Gives Me Meaning. 

Not Having A Purpose, Also To Me Is Very Similar In Meaning To Not Being Anything. To Have No Purpose Is To Float Around, With No Anything.

As Long As I Have Form, A Vessel To Use Out Here (Outside Body) , And A Body Of My Own Inside, I Am Something. Loosing The Ability To Fill The Vessel And/Or The Use Of My Body Inside, Would Make Me Feel Like I Was Not Anything.

I Wonder If Those In The World Who Aren’t Something, Or Percieve They Aren’t Something, Are Suicidal? Do They Struggle To Live Feeling They Aren’t Anything?

Is Not Being Anything A Matter Of Just Breathing? As Long As People Breathe Are They Something? Is It More Complex Than That?

Are All Humans Something? Are All Living Things Something? Are Rocks Living? They Are Something.

When I Sit Here And Contemplate That Phrase, ‘Not Being Anything’ What Repeatedly Comes To Mind Is Quite Simple. If The Body Goes Back To One Soul, Then I Am Nothing. If The Body Goes Back To One Soul I Would No Long Be Anything. I Would Loose The Ability To Think, To Have Time, To Exist, To Be Me.


The Thickening Plot


 The Thickening Plot

The Plot Thickens As 2 New Souls Appeared Out Today And Met N (The Husband Of Some Of The Others)
 Not New To Being Alive Souls, Rather Souls Who Had Expereinced Trauma And Hadn’t Still Haven’t A Clue Time Has Passed And They Are Safe.
 One Traumatized Unspeaking One, One Animal, And One Other Who Is  Angry And Protective Of The Other One  And Either Tried To Or Managed To Hit N A Few Times.
 System In A Bit Of Chaos.  What Is It One Of The Littles Says In Reference To A Song?  Oh
She Says “We Will Subib,  Which Translated To We Will Survive.
Just Have To Wait The System Regaining It’s Legs So To Speak.
 Tonight Is A Sleeping Medicine Night.

Where to begin? Just where is the beginning?


I find myself struggling with where to begin in telling about my discovery at being part of a multiple experience.
 Should I begin with experiences that looking back were signs? 
Should I begin with the first things that made me feel something was wrong with me?
 Should I begin with my feelings about being multiple?
 The experience of time slipping and dissapearing? The expereinces of hearing internal voices not mine?
 The experience of the body moving without me moving it?
 The experience of having to wait to get information about the childhood.
 I don’t know when I came to be.   I know approximately when my own memories began.  The memories of before I came to be, I have to wait to be given to me. 
Should I begin with realizing more and more the life I thought I lived,  the childhood I thought I had, didn’t exist? It was all a lie.
 So much and I just don’t know where to start.
 I’m fearful too, fearful at writing and reading and strange things being written.  I don’t control the hands typing.  I think , they type what I think, only sometimes they just write other things. I’m fearful of what I may learn in attempting to write about how I came to know I was a multiple, and how hubby came to know. 
If only I could decide where to start. Or do I just start and see what comes out? Start in a computer journal entry and then cut and paste it when it feel right?  
How do I tell a story that has no real linear begin or end?  When time is just a collection of moments, strung together, how do I put that in an order anyone can understand or make sense of.