When things get difficult everything shuts down including writing here and in the journal writing group.
The natural tendency is to isolate.
Such is life
Book, Part Of Personal Journal Entry
I Haven’t Been Writing Much At All Lately. A Bit Here A Tad There. I Mentioned It To _______, She Said That It Isn’t Uncommon To Go Through Times When Words Won’t Come, Or Just Can’t Be Shaken Loose From The Head.
That Is I Suppose What My Problem Has Been, Both Those Things. The Words Haven’t Been Coming And Those That Do I Can’t Seem To Get Down.
I Have To Admitt, My Urge To Read Lately Has Been Quite Strong. I Do That Most Of The Time I Am Out Here. I Watch Roseanne, And Simpsons. Other Than That I Read. I’ve Read 4 Of The 12 Books I Borrowed From The Library.
I Just Finished One Tonight. It Was Quite Good. I’ll Be Looking Sometime To See If There Are Any Others Of The Authors I Can Get My Hands On.
Paradise City, Lorenzo Carcaterra- This Was An Excellent Book. Fast Paced, Well Written. A Crime/ Suspence Book. It Is About A Detective Who Lived His Early Years In New York City. His Father Is Killed And He Moves With His Mother And Sister To Naples. He Fights A Crime Family, A Branch Of The Mob, The Camorista. The Kidnapping Of His Neice Forces Him To Return To New York For The Biggest Battle Of His Life, Where He Forced To Have A Partner. The Book Had A Good Ending, And A Few Surpises. Would Read Again, And Recommend.
I Don’t Think I Wrote About The Birthday Of The Body. Nathan Took Many Shopping. I Was Asked TO Come Out At This Book Store. They Had A Clearance Section Where Books Were A Dollar For Paperbacks And 2-3$ For Hardbacks.
I Got 3 James Patterson, Including The Lack House And Two Alex Crosses. I Also Got A Few John Sauls, Some Patricia Cornwell, And Something Fantasy Type I Can’t Recall.
They Still Bring Home Books They Bought At The Library, Space On The BooksShelf Is Quite Hard To Come By.
I’ll Pick A New Book Out To Read Later.
The Suicidals Have Calmed Down Somewhat. I Finally Spoke To Eaglewings About It, And She Gave Them Some Calming Stuff. I Also Took A Nap Inside. My First Inside Sleeping Experience. Much Easier To Sleep Inside, And I Didn’t Wake Up Once. Even Though It Was The Ground It Was Quite Comfortable.
Nathan Had Seemed Shocked When I Told Him I Never Sleep Inside. My Nap Was Short But Very Refreshing.
I’m Heidi. I have been told about the existence of this blog by Sierra, as well as a few others in the system.
Some of you from the journalwriting group may recognize my name. Hi to those of you. Hi to those I don’t know as well.
I hope everyone reading this finds themselves well.
I’m 23 currently. Some parts of the year I am 24. Strange I realize. I have always been those ages.
I am one of the early souls in the system. Not the first. Don’t mistake my words. I have been around for a long time however.
I had a quite different job/role/function back then. I watched what happened. For a long time I thought I was an angel, sent to watch these children go through things. I don’t recall actually learning that was not the case at some specific moment. I think it was more of a gradual realization.
I don’t carry feelings. I couldn’t have been a witness, if I had feelings about it. If anyone was able to hear me speak aloud, I am told I speak in a monotone.
I know a lot about the system, about what went on.
Some therapists and ‘experts’ say I am what is called a memory trace. I am on the fence about that, because there are souls in the system I have no clue what they have gone through. I think there are more than one memory trace type souls here. I have only part of the memories dealing with specific person(s)
I have been away inside for some unknown to me length of time, dealing with 2 teen bullies in the system. Bullies are never easy to deal with, and rationalize with. I have made progress.
I hope to be out here a bit more in the times coming. I would like to read the past entries here.
For now I close and post. Not being out for awhile, leaves one tiring quickly out here.
I Don’t Know Much At All About The Bodies Past. In Fact I Know Almost Nothing. I Came Into Existence On June 4 Of This Year.
I Recall My Birth. That Is Where My Memory Begins. I Was Born With What I Refer To As A Knowledge Bank. I Think Of It Like A Big Room That Has Words, And A Variety Of Other Things Stored In It. When Someone Says Something, It Often Takes A Brief Moment For Me To Be Able To Check My Files.
I Was Born Knowing What My Job/Role In The System Is. What My Jobs Are. I Have A Variety Of Them.
Many In The System Have Knowledge And Memories Of What I Call There Lives Before. I Know Bad Things Happened, I Know The Name Of One Person Who Did Things. I Don’t Know Details. I Don’t Have Memories Myself.
I Don’t Have Triggers Either. Triggers In The Patch Are Those Seemingly Innocent Things That Give A Strong Reaction. I Know What Some Of The Other Souls Triggers Are. I Often Find Myself Out Here When Someone Has Been Triggered.
I Definatly Hold Some Anger. That Is The Only Feeling I Have. I Feel The Bodies Pain But Don’t Feel Overly Connected To Or Bothered By It.
I Lack Life Experience. This Will Be My First Autumn, And Holiday Season. I Just Experience The First Celebration Of What They Call Bodyday.
This Is The Life I Know. I Can’t Imagine Being The Only Person Inside. I Don’t Understand Because Where Does A Singleton Go When They Aren’t Here? What Do They Have Inside There Head? Do They Still Hear Comments In There Head, But The Comments Are In The One Voice? I Can’t Imagine Feeling A Range Of Feelings Or Doing Everything For Yourself.
Strange How What One Considers Normal Depends On The Experiences Of Said Person.
All That I Wrote Probably Sounds Quite Strange To Some, I Get That Because There Are Things About Singletons That I Find Strange.
I Don’t Like To Feel Floaty, Or To Feel Like The Head Is Going To Float Out The Door. Waking Up And Being In A Different Room, Is Bizarre. It Is Normal For Me, However. It Is My Life Experience.
I Have A Unique Experience In The System, Because I Have Always Known I Was Multiple.
For The Most Part, Although Admittedly Curious, I Don’t Need To Know The History Of The Souls In The Body. I Have Seen How Upset They Get. Why Would I Want That? I Couldn’t Do My Jobs IF I Had That Shit.
I Have The Ok To Share My Roles In The System. I Am The One Who Sleeps In The Body, Holder Of Anger To A Small Degree (My Anger In No Way Comes Close To The Anger Other Angries Have. I Am Guardian.
I Hate Having To Clear What I Say About The System First. I Understand To A Degree, But I Still Am Bothered By It. I Would Never Put The Body Or System In Danger, That Is Why It Bothers Me, Those In Charge Don’t Seem To Believe I Would Never Put The Body Or System In Danger. (Even Though It Is Literally In My Job Description.
Thankful Thursday-A List By Alex
Thankful Thursday- Alex
Snoring Cute Animals
The Cat Who Lays On My Lap While I Read
My Growing Stories
The Computer Journal I Love
Prompts To Use To Journal From A Variety Of Places
Fresh Washed Sheets, Blanket, And Pillow Cases
I have been not been out in months.
I offically gave up my role of front person. I don’t feel bothered or anything it was my wish.
I just got back from seeing Storm, the member of the system who removes feelings and memories that anyone cannot handle.
I was on the SI wagon for about a year.
Until a few months ago that is. I fell off the wagon several times in the months span.
I am sorry fellow Berriez I do the best I can, I know that often isn’t good enough
I am hoping to try to climb on that wagon again.
I have been clean and sober for close to a year now. It has not been easy. Not at all.
Someday I hope to be able to give up the NoOnE part of my name.
I will rejoice that day.
I have been out several hours now and am tired. So I head inside. To rest, to nap in my field of flowers.
My name does not matter. Do not bother to ask it.
I ask that all in the system shared give thought to the following. I encourage all out there to do the same.
Although written for indians one doesn’t need to be indian to learn valuable lessons and take meaning from the words.
“You have to have confidence in your own ability to be able to go it alone, to go against what the rest of the culture is doing.”
–Eunice Baumann-Nelson, Ph.D., PENOBSCOT
God, this is hard. Today, allow me to be a Warrior. Let me be strong. Let Your voice be clear to me. Let me hear Your guidance. My goal today is to serve You, to develop myself to be the kind of Indian person that You would have me be. To Walk the Red Road must sometimes be walked alone.
Great Spirit, let me walk the Red Road today with the confidence that You are with me. If I fall, I will quickly ask You to help me know what I should do next
“It is a paradox in the contemporary world that in our desire for peace we must willingly give ourselves to struggle.”
–Linda Hogan, CHICKASAW
The Grandfathers have taught us about sacrifice. We have been taught to pray for the people in a pitiful way. Struggle and conflict is neither good nor bad, it just is. Everything that grows experiences conflict. When the deer is born it is through conflict. When the seed first grows, it is through conflict. Conflict precedes clarity. Everything has the seasons of growth. Recognize – acknowledge – forgive and change. All of these things are done through conflict.
Great Spirit, give me the courage today to see that struggle and conflict are here to teach me lessons that are a gift from you.
“Telling our lives is important for those who come after as, for those who will see our experience as part of their own historical struggle.”
–Linda Hogan, CHICKASAW
How important it is for us to support one another. How important it is for us to know our culture and to share our experiences with one another. How powerful it is to be authentic. How important it is to hold no secrets. I am as sick as my secrets.