Monthly Archives: October 2005

Appologizing another perspective

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*You All Get To See How We Argue And Discuss Amongst Ourselves. We Fight Quite  A Bit And Agree On Little. We Have A Journal For Communicating. Should Be Renamed The Bitching Journal, Would You Agree With Me On That Sierra?*

Sierra,
‘I am always feeling the need and appologizing for things other souls say or do.’
I Would Never Do Anything That Would Make It So You Couldn’t Write At That Journal Group.  I Happen To Enjoy Reading And Writing There.   You Didn’t Need To Appologize For Me However And I Wish You Hadn’t.
I Will Leave The Subject Alone Save To Say This: I Stick By My Comments. She Did Assume. She Didn’t Ask If I Had Tried To Google It. I Didn’t Know Gnome Would Give Different Results To Gnomes.  Adding An ‘s’ To A Word In My Knowledge Banks Means Plural.    And I Did Look Up Gnome And Then Later Thanksgiving.
She Could Have Said Did You Try Googling It? Or Gave Me A Website.  Writing Two Words Google It Gave Me The Impression She Thinks I’m Too Dumb To Do Anything, And/Or Beneath Her,  Which I Don’t Appreciate For I Am Neither Of Those Things.
Honestly Debating With You Or Her About The Subject Isn’t On My Priority List. My Time Is Too Precious.  I Didn’t Appreciate The Reply That I Would Have Known If She Was Rude, And I Needed To Whatever,  Chill Out Or Something.   She Doesn’t Know Me, I’m Sure You Do Realize, Sierra I Was Very Much Civilized And Quite Restrained.
The Person Who Said Something Like You Can’t Control What We All Say And Do Is Very Right.
This Is Not Worth Your Time And Worry.
I Won’t Reply To That Post Of Hers, I Watched You Delete It And Then Send Her 2 Appologies.
I Do Ask You To Not Appologize For Me.  For I’m Not Sorry I Said What I Did.   I Meant It Or I Wouldn’t Have Said It.
As You Are Aware I Have Stood Up To Mychelle And The Idea You Appoligized Bothers Me, So Please Don’t Do It Again.
I Think We All Do Things That Embarrass Each Other.
I Edited This To Add: While Copying The Necessary Posts To My Journal To Write About It, I Noticed An Appolgy From You Stating If You Had Your Way I Wouldn’t Write There At All.  That Was Rude Of You.  I Don’t Write At Your Forum Place.   Like It Or Not We Have To ‘Live’ Together.   Have You Forgot I Pissed Of Mychelle Whom You Hate?   That I Stood Up To Her?    Guess It’s A Good Thing It Isn’t Up To You, For Me Anyways.
Hate Me If You Want I Don’t Care. I Don’t Care What You Or Anyone Thinks Of Me. I Will Continue To Write There However.  Deal With It.
Alex

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Appologizing

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Something that happened today, brings this to mind.
I am always feeling the need and appologizing for things other souls say or do.
Saying i’m sorry, stammering to explain something that i don’t understand, saying it won’t happen again,  feeling like i should just go away, why bother to have connection to people? the other souls I think often are trying to ruin it.
They aren’t always very social, or used to people and such.
They certainly lack manners, tack, and all that.
And yes they are human and make mistakes.
I have spent a lifetime appologizing for a wide variety of things.  For a long time I didn’t even know what I was appoligizing for. I was often sure that the person was lying, though I never accused anyone of it.
Now I know it is the others in the system.   Still i am always embarrased and wishing I could dissapear into the ground or turn back the clock to take their words back.
I’m not one for conflict at all. I will do about anything to avoid it.  Unfortunatly there are souls who are quite opposite that, and perceive attacks and rudness where it doesn’t exist.
I am almost in tears, because simply I am tired of it.
I didn’t ask to be a multiple and don’t want this. I want my old life back, that life which was just a big lie apparently.
I am in tears now.   My words probably make little sense.
I could choose to not appologize to someone for another berri, but if I don’t it is unlike the soul will. Quite simply they don’t care what others say and think, or do.    Some like to argue, some think everyone are rude. Some just plain hate everyone.
I wish I felt I didn’t have to appologize for everyone.
And yet I continue to do so.
I don’t by far recall everything I have ever appologized for. There have been some doozies (Sp?) though.   Things I find so embarrasing I can’t write them here.
Truly,
Sierra

Sick

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I  Did Notice The Myths And Truths Post Below. I Will Read It Eventually. Just Not Now.
My First Experience With Being Sick Was Different, I Hated It.  The Weather Changing Is New For Me Too. I’m Not Sure What To Think. I Don’t Mind It At This Point, However N Has Said It Will Get Much Colder.
I Don’t Have A Bunch Of Experience Or Knowledge About Being Multiple. I Quite Simply Have Just Not Been Around Long Enough.
I Do Speak My Mind, I Don’t Mince Words,  I’m A Night Soul Mostly.  Nobody Else Wants To Be Here At Night.
I Don’t Associate With The Others Inside Much. They Don’t Care For Me, Which Is Fine With Me. Truth Is My Roles Are Easier To Fulfil If I Don’t Have Friends Inside.
I Have Always Been 31, Always Known What My Role Was, I Recall My Birth. It Is Impossible For Me To Imagine Not Being That Way. I Have No Patience For Littles.
I Can’t Imagine Not Being Multiple, Because I Came Into The World After Sierra The Then Front Soul Was Made Aware.
I Often Wonder What Is In The Minds Of Single People? Where Do They Go When They Aren’t Out Here?   What Do They See Inside? Is It Quiet?   Do You Hear People Speaking To You Inside?
Those Are All Normal Experiences For Me.  The Idea Of Not Beng That Way I Cannot Fathom.
Why Do I Write Tonight?  I Don’t Have A Reason. Do I Need One?  I Like To Write.
I Am Was Born  June 4.   I Know My Creators. Most In The Patch Don’t Know There Creators.
Not Even A Year Ago I Was Born And I Am 31 In Age. N Says The Physical Body Gets One Year Older Soon. The Whole Idea Of That Perplexes Me.
I Don’t Know The Bodies Parents, I Have No Knowledge Of That Before Life.  I Exist Now. I Live In The Now.
It Truly Pisses Me Off That Most Of The Patch Cannot Willnot Or Simply Refuse To Live In The Now.  I Don’t Have Memories, Or Feelings.  I Want Them To Get On With Things.
The New Front Picked A Name Finally Kassandra.
The Latest Arrivals From Beyond Our Awareness Are Slowly Settling In, Except The Loud Screaming One That Is.
I Feel Done With Writing Now.
I Do Wish More Patch Members Would Write Here. Maybe I Should Write Them A Note In The Communication Journal.  I’m Thinking Many May Not Be Aware.
Of Course It Is Doubtful The Littles Would Ever Want To Write Here, And Even More Doubtful They Would Ever Be Given Permission.
Alex

Myths and Truths-Part two

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Myths and Truths: Part two

Myth: If you dissociate you are multiple
Everyone dissociates to a degree. Driving on the highway and passing your exit. Not realizing time passes when reading or engaged in something completely are normal examples. It is not uncommon for rape, incest victims, and war veterans to dissociate, that doesn’t make one a multiple.
There are criteria to be a multiple, and Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D) Or multiple personalities is not the only possible diagnosis for a person who experiences dissociation
The following website has a good article on the different dissociative disorders: http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/Dissociative_Disorders.htm,

Myth: The normal amount of Souls to have is around 12.
There can be as few as 2 or as many as hundreds of Souls. There is simply no normal amount. Whatever the system needs to get through the childhood determines how many Souls there are
Myth: The host, or original born always interacts with the outside world.
For some multiples this is true. However not for all. For some systems the original is in hiding, and hasn’t been in the world for quite a long time.
It is also possible for the trauma to have been so severe that the host will never again be in the outside world.

Myth: The more Souls the more trauma there was.
It is generally accepted that either the same Soul is out for a certain instance of abuse time after time or for each new instance of abuse a new Soul is created. This means that many Souls can mean either a lot or a little amount of abuse, as not a lot of Souls can mean either a lot or a little amount of abuse.
The amount of Souls in no way correlates to the amount of trauma. It totally depends on the dynamics and contruction of the system.
Myth: The desired outcome for all multiples is integration or going back to one Soul.
Some multiples choose to integrate. Some multiples choose to work together as a team, often called co-operation.
For some multiples integrating may be a good choice. To some multiples the idea of integration is death of the Souls.
Some multiple systems don’t have an original or main soul to go back to which means integration is simply not possible.
Myth: Multiples aren’t real. They are just people out for attention and are simply acting or pretending.
While some people may see being multiple as some fun game, it is not. Sure there are probably a few people who fake, that is the exception.
Sharing your body and life with a group of people is not easy, it is something society doesn’t look kindly at. Among other things having no sense of time or distinction from past and present isn’t a fun way to live.
Yes the diagnosis is still being debated. Spending a period of time over months with a multiple does a lot to convince a person as to the validity of the diagnosis. (hubby asked I write that in)
The idea that multiples are out for attention is simply ridiculous. The fact is that many multiples lead isolated, secretive lives, often backing away from attention and only disclosing their diagnosis to a select few people.
Coming to terms with the idea that your childhood was filled with unspeakable horrors is not something most people want to face, why would people want to fake that?
In society, multiples are shunned, called crazy, disbelieved, and just not accepted. It is not a club that anyone wants to be a part of.
There was a study done once in which professional actors were given time to study and then tried to pretend to be multiple. The actors while able to stay in character for a time, often fell out of character during times of stress. Furthermore research showed even the best actors were unable to keep all the details of the various Souls straight.

Myth: It is impossible to forget something like incest and severe abuse for years.
This is something that some doctors and persons part of the FMS state. They have this research where they ‘prove’ people still remember bits.
This research however is done on benign untramatic things. Therefore the research cannot be applied to tramatic memories.
Incest victims forget, as do war veterans.
In a multiple system, the memories are not forgotten, they are simply displaced and walled off. It is the various Souls who carry memories, which are guarded secrets from other souls in the system. Splitting the trauma up this way keeps the system functioning, especially in childhood. It allows getting up going to school, eating, and all the other things a child would normally do.
Some doctors say that splitting saves the lives of some multiples.
Myth: All Multiples become child abusers themselves.
Do all abuse victims abuse? Do all people who witness a murder become murders? The idea that all of anything become a certain way is beyond ridiculous . It is true some multiples have Souls who do abuse just as it is true that some incest victims become abusers this is the exception not the rule. For the most part multiples having experienced abuse would never dream of doing such a thing to an innocent child and would rather die than be an abuser.
Still to come:

Are all multiples female?  Are there measurable noted phsyiological differences between souls?  Is bipolar or manic-depressive another way of saying someone is multiple?  Are multiples rare? Do  we belong locked away from society?   Are we capable of relationships and love?
That is just a sampling of what is to come.
Truly,
Sierra

Myths and Truths-Part one

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Myths and Truths: part one
I’ve decided to start by talking about some things I have heard and or read about multiples. Many of the things I hear or read, including things online and that well respected doctors say just isn’t true. I invite anyone who has heard a myth that I haven’t mentioned to write to me and share it as well as comment.
Before I begin I’d like to define some terms that I use.
I- As used here I refers only to myself, Sierra.
We- All the Souls in the system
System- All of the souls that share one body. Our System name is The Patch.
Soul- The term we use for alter, inner, persona, or part that inhabit the body. (see previous entry on this subject)
co-consciousness- The experience of being present and semi-aware when another Soul is front.
Integrate- The process of going from many Souls in one body to one Soul.
Loosing Time- The experience of one moment being in a spot doing something and the next moment being somewhere else, wearing something else, or some amount of time has passed (minutes, hours, days, months, even years) ( Loosing time is to be the subject of a future entry)
Host- Person born in the body.
Front- Person out most often. In Systems with a host still interacting in the world, the host and front person would be the same.
Incest- inappropriate touching and sexual acts done to a child by a member of the child’s family.
Myth: All multiple experience life as Sybil, Eve, or Trudi Chase did or do.
Reality: This is simply untrue. It is just as silly to believe all multiple expereince anything the same as it is to believe all singletons (nonmultiples) experience life the same. It is true that some people have some similarities to Sybil, Eve, or Trudi Chase, but those are just books, and yes i’m sure some of the facts were changed (i’m not saying their stories aren’t true) for publishing purposes. Speaking of the system I live in (which is all I can do with anything I write) we have some similarities to Sybil as well as Similarities to Trudi Chase. We also have differences. Developing multiplicity is not a conscious decision, therefore what is needed for survival is how the system is developed.
Myth: All multiples loose time.
It is true that in this system we loose time. That said, not all multiples loose time in the sense that one moment they are somewhere and the next moment they are somewhere completely different. For some multiples they are co-conscious. This means that when another Soul comes forward they are still watching, they are just watching from far away, however and are unable to influence what is going on. I have sometimes heard it described as watching a movie or a tv show. For many multiples whether they loose time completely or are co-conscious, time often slips away. What you think is just minutes passing is really hours.
Myth: All Multiples are crazy and often killers
Some multiples may be crazy, they may even be killers. That does not mean that all multiples are crazy or killers. The fact is that Souls are born or come into being to protect the body. Often a multlple may seem crazy because of the inablity to distinguish between past and present. For example: a multiple may when experiencing a flashback believe that a significant other is an abuser. That is a hallucination and doesn’t make anyone multiple or not crazy.
It is just as silly to say all mutliples are crazy or killers as it is to say all white people, men, women or whomever are killers.

Myth: All multiples find strange objects in their house and loose things
It is not uncommon to loose things or find strange objects, all multiples don’t have this experience however. Many mutliples live by lists and expend a lot of energy trying to appear normal, and to keep track of belongings.
Myth: All multiples are unable to hold jobs or work and be active members of society
Some multples are unalbe to hold jobs for a variety of reasons. Many multiples work either full or part time. There are multiples who are teachers, doctors, lawyers, contruction workers, and any other field you can think of. Multiples can exist in just about any profession out there as well as own their own business. Multiple who don’t work in a paying job are often times active in volunteer work.
Myth: If you hear voices you are multiple.
Some multiples hear voices. Hearing voices can mean hearing voices not your own coming from inside the head. Hearing voices can mean hearing loud thoughts that aren’t your own thoughts, and don’t go away.
Schizophrenics also hear voices. There is a big distiction. Multiple more often than not experience the voices as coming from either inside the head, or something being whispered in their ear, Schizophrenics most often hear voices that are coming from outside the head, places like the radio, the tv, the air conditioning vent.
Schizophrenics are not necessarily multiple, although many multiples have in the past been misdiagnosed as Schizophrenic.
*broke part one into two parts, for easier reading.* Part two is already up to read.

Truly, Sierra

Random Thoughts

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Random Thoughts

 Got Out Here Early And Watched Along Came A Spider. While It Was A Good Moive, It Differed A Good Deal From The Book. I Thought The Character Alex Cross Was Played Well, As Was The Other Main Character Jezzie Flanagan. I Didn’t Like The Fact That The Movie Didn’t Have Nana Mama, Cross’s 2 Kids, Or His Detective Friend Sampson.
 I Really Enjoyed Those Parts Of Book And Thought Removing Them From The Movie Version Was A Bad Decision.
I Also Didn’t Like How They Took Out How The Book Opened With Cross Being Pulled From A Murder Investigation In A Poor Black Neighborhood To Go To The Kidnapping.
 Don’t Get Me Wrong, I Did Enjoy The Movie. I Just Liked The Book Better.
 As I Become More Interested In Writing Stories, I Notice More And More How I Lack Knowledge Of Language, And The Parts Of It.
I Feel Silly Checking Out A Book At The Library On Sentence Structure, And Whatnot. It Occurs To Me That Perhaps The Internet Is A Good Place To Check Out. I Wonder What I Would Use As A Search Term?
 It Occurs To Me At This Moment That n Once Said That I Construct Sentences Wierd, Putting Words In A Strange Order. That Is Exactly The Thing I Am Wanting To Remedy. I Think Doing So Could Aid A Great Deal In Writing Stories.
 Sure Some Writings I Just Do For Myself, But I Do Want Other People To Be Able To Read And Understand What I Write.
 Berriez Who Are Out Every Day Have Been Taking Breaks. It Is Allowing Others In The System To Spend More Time Out, It Also For Me At Least Draws My Attention To Just How Much Those Who Are Out So Much Do.
 The New Front Person Was Out A Bit Today. It Takes A Bit To Get Used To Being Out Here For More Than A Short Time At Once. She Doesn’t Like Her Name So She Was Looking For A New One, n Said, I’ll Be Curious To What She Chooses. I Liked My Name. I Didn’t Pick It, I Was ‘Born’ With It. (Note Subject Of Names And How They Come To Be Would Make A Good Future Subject To Write About)
 I Wonder If There Are Things Anyone Who Reads This Would Like To See As Future Subjects I/We Write About?