Thoughts of many written here by one
*Note: When A bunch of people are talking to you it is hard to make sense of things. As a direct result this post will jump from topic to topic more than usual.
I read emails from the journal groups, and can’t reply. Days go by without knowledge, even weeks.
Time is nonexistent in a way only experienced during the holiday seasons of this time of year and *aster. It is impossible for me to explain that. The best I can do is when you go to work and suddenly it is time to go home at night, only here suddenly it is a new day or week. Life can seem like a big game of catch up. Catching up to what is going on in the world, in the house, with N and with the others in the system.
We each when struggling tend to isolate and shut down the fragile lines of communication we fought and worked so hard for. Each struggling alone, when the struggles could be shared. Quite ashame, though It never occurs to many of us that we could share our struggles, the instinct is to go it alone.
Somehow we move forward, life moves forward. Someone in the system, no a bunch of someones working sort of together and sort of not, keep things going.
Shopping for the littles, betweens, teens in the system is done and gifts await wrapping.
Though a difficult time for reasons not necessary to go into (who wants to hear about that crap? NOBODY!) , the innocent joy the littles express through their pain, and memories is amazing. Their belief that people are good, and that their is a Santa Claus is something I can’t understand. They speak I think to the fragility of a human, and yet moreso and more importantly to the resilency of the human spirit. Given no choice but death, it is truly amazing what a human can live through.
This time of year I am reminded that life is a gift, life is a special gift, one that we in the system have fought for. At A time and on a day that has been extra difficult I read an email from a journal group that spawned this entry and reminded me that life is a gift, that you have to fight for your own small bits of happiness. Not the happiness of winning a lottery, or the happiness of having a perfect life, but the small joys in life. Seeing the wonder of snow, being able to wake up and have another day, the undying love of pets, the joy at the small things in life. It is the small joys that make this continued battle worth it. The joy when a little smiles, The joy when someone eats for the first time, or is told they never have to stand in the corner again, joy in learning the name of a traumatized terrified little, the joy of making the holiday different enough that a special little is willing to come out at all. There are many things that keep you down, if you let them. There are many reasons to never get out of bed ever again. And somedays that is all you can do. Get through the day however you can, but days you can celebrate life, do it. Don’t let life keep you down. A quote one particularly strong soul in the system says quite often is “If life knocks you down 7 times stand up 8.”
Some people out there probably take pity on us, or feel sorry for us. For the childhood we had, and the type of life we lead. Do not. We are lucky to be multiple. It is a gift in my eyes. The gift of life, the gift of the body being able to live. You can’t imagine life this way. I can’t imagine life any other way. I feel badly for people who feel every feeling. The idea of that is totally silly and foreign to me. How is it possible? Some people who are multiple even view it as some terrible thing, it isn’t. It saved the body. It was a wonderful gift at a time when there was no other choice.
My wish for the world is that they stop and count there blessings. Don’t take life and time for granted. Do what you want to do as much as you can. Life is too precious to waste away running around. People grow up and loose sight of the miracles all around them, they concentrate on getting Billy to soccer, and getting dinner on the table. Time is what you make of it. Make it what you want as often as possible.