I accept that I am part of a multiple system. It is my life and no amount of anything will change that.
That said, I get tired of the head telling me stuff. I get tired of my knowledge banks telling me doing it this way is best or telling me how to cook.
I can’t deny that it is helpful, yet it leaves me feeling as if i’m not really every doing anything on my own. What would it be like to try something without any input from inside? I can cook because the head tells me what to do. It is that way with everything I do. I’m tired of it.
I know and accept I will never have a life totally my own. I don’t think it is too much to ask that I be allowed to try my own things (within reason of course) and succeed or fail on my own. I think that is a big part of why I am so interested in learning to play guitar. It is something that no Berri can do, thus it would be all mine. If I succeed I did it myself, If I fail I did that myself too. I don’t think always suceeding because the head is telling me what to do is a good thing. I think it does me a disservice. How can I truly learn anything if it is always stuff being given to me? I don’t think I can.
Maybe that is why some Berriez write. As I sit here and write this it occurs to me that writing is my own. Every word typed is my thoughts, my own, with no input of others.
It sounds to me as if I am complaining here. I am not. I know there are many Berriez who have awful feelings and suffer from memories. I am lucky to be a person who came to existence after the abuse stuff was long past. I don’t know anything of that life. To be honest I don’t desire to know.
I was made to not mind loosing time, which I don’t. I think my makers can create me to a point, yet as I grow as I learn and am part of the world, I form my own thoughts, opinions and wants. I become more of an individual as time goes on. I long to do something other Berriez don’t.
I greatly look forward to having a guitar. I hope we can find one soon.
I want my own things, and for that reason I haven’t read or wrote at that Journal group. It to me feels like intruding on someone elses thing. I want my own thing, perhaps some day I will find it.
I am after all just learning about myself. About what I am. Who I am, well i’m not sure at all, but then I wonder does anyone? I think I am doing well for only being made a few months ago.