Usually I would write in a combination of colors. Today I will just use this one.
 I have been not here enough to write anything here lately. When I have been around I was quite foggy and unable to much of anything but sit and stare.  (due to stuff going on inside)
 Past few days (?) I have been feeling clearer. Much clearer. It made me realize the past weeks are gone totally from memory and stuff I have been told I was aware of were new to me again.
 I sit here today and i’m lonely. I know most of the people in here don’t get lonely. They like not having friends, they like the life of solitude. It works for them.  
It doesn’t work for me. I am a social person. I enjoy talking to people.   I talk to the bodies husband when he is home in the evening, and have a multiple system we email with. Other than that I have nobody out in this world. It is such a lonely life to be a mutliple and I don’t understand why it is that way.
 Sierra and others here tell me that people don’t understand time when you can’t talk or are unable to leave the house. People don’t understand the differences and don’t want to understand. Is everyone that way though? Or have other Berriez just been unfortunate to try to be friends with the wrong people?   We don’t drive at all.   It is just further isolation and at the moment I need to bitch and complain about it. (not something I usually do).
 How I long to be able to call a friend on the phone and  sit with them somewhere and talk, or go to the mall or do whatever it friends who live in the same country do.  
Yes the bodies husband is a friend (i don’t consider myself married to him) but he is a male. How I long to have a girl friend.  
The other day we went to the library and Nathan told me the following:
 A little was out to pick some books from the children’s section.  She saw a group of kids playing with puppets they have, and she really wanted to go join them and play. She asked Nathan who had the unfortunate task of trying to explain to her that she couldn’t go play because they kids and there parents wouldn’t understand that although the outside suit she wears is adult she is actually only 4.   It is heartbreaking that they can’t play with kids their own age. It is heartbreaking that the teens can’t have teen friends. Sure they have friends inside, and amongst the multiple system we talk to from across the world. It isn’t like sitting and talking to someone face to face.  It isn’t fair.  I wasn’t alive back during the childhood. I am aware though that the body was always an outcast, and considered strange. I am aware that friendships never lasted long. It isn’t fair that they will never get a chance to have friends their age. It isn’t fair that the multiple system we are friends with literrally lives around the world.   It isn’t fair that face to face meeting will never be monetarily possible. It isn’t fair to either system and it sucks. so much of life I learn isn’t fair, and you are lucky enough to read me bitching about it.  I am climbing off my pity party horse now and going to eat lunch.


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