Bits by Alex
One of My Roles In the System Means I AM Out Here At Night.
I Like Night. Day time IS Way TOOO Bright. Anyways I am used To having Nights Mostly To myself, Aside From A few Littles Watning A Story Read To Them.
Lately Though I Have Been Lucky To Get 45 Minutes. At First I Was Glad For The Rest, But Quickly I Grew Irritated. I Love To Read. I Wasn’t Getting ANy Time To Read, Let Alone Write, Or Email.
I’m Glad the System Is Having A Good Time Of Year And That They Want To Be Here.
Kassie And I Should Still Get Time Out To Do Our Thing. Kassie Is Having The Same Problems In The day Time.
It Isn’t Fair That We Get Lots Of Time When Things are Awful. We Deserve Time Too.
Tonight I get The Whole Night To Myself. It’s Been Great. I’m Just Popping In here Before I Go Back To Reading.
I Even Got TO Eat Dinner (Unusual For Me) Pancakes And I Had Some Ice Cream Too.
I’m Reading A LInda Fairstein Novel, Entombed. It’s the 2nd Of Her Alexandra Cooper Series I’ve Read. I really Like Them. ALexandra Or Coop As They Call Her Is An Assistant Prosector In NY. She Heads A Sex Crime Prosecuting Unit. I Like That She Is A Woman. I Also LIke That She Handles Sex Crimes. The Books Are Murder Books. I’d Recommend Them.
It’s Intersting To Me The Varied Interests of Different Berriez And How We All Can’t Do What Others Do. That Isn’t A Surprise It’s Just Interesting. Some People Who Claim DID doesn’t Exist I Wonder how They Explain that? Why Can’t I Draw If Claudia can draw horses?
For Instance We Have A Couple Of Painters (the rest Of Us Can’t Paint For Shit)
Someone Who Draws Horses Very Well ( The Rest Of Us Can’t Draw A Stick Figure)
We Have A Few Skilled Writers ( I’m Aspiring But Far From it)
There Cross-stitchers, Quilters.
One Teen Loves Jigsaw Puzzles. she Puts Them Together At An Astounding rate. Average of 4-5 hours for 1000 pieces.
There Is A Flutist
an organ player
a card player
a few cooks
even littles interests vary. Some like blocks, some games, some coloring, some finger painting.
some love nature.
some fear nature.
The Only Thing That Most ALl Berreiz Love Is Books.
That Said Our Tastes Are Quite Varied.
heidi Likes History And Books About Religons Of The World, And Mythology. M. Likes Sci-Fi And Gory. I like Horror And Occasionally mystery. Jak Likes koontz, kellerman and King. Suzann Only Reads Poe. Meagan reads King, koontz, Cornwell, Hoag, And Grafton. Kassie Doesn’t like to read much. Hannah likes Romance (EEEWWW!) sharyn reads true crime. Montana likes vampire books. the teens mostly read teen books (a few read adult books) the littles love to have stories read to them.
Those are just ones that pop into the head.
and no there is no point to my ramblings.
Back to reading I go.
But First Auggie The cat Was Just Laying on the rocking Chair on his back as he tends to do and looks so cute while doing. he stretched and fell off. they he looked around as if he wanted to see if anyone saw him.
Just a normal day
*from somewhere online- not written by a Berri. Though it adequately explains some days.
“Just a Normal Day”
Just a normal day.
The sun is shining. The air smells like freshly cut grass. You wonder if you haveenough change in your pocket for a soda. Warm sun feels good. Suddenly-Something breaks in you.
things sTart scrEAming fRom inSide.
Someone help me.
But you remind yourself. That was then. This is now. Out of —– nowhere— its back.
Warm sun. you remember the warm sun. it feels good on your face and you love the sun-you try to
r e f o c u s. Sharp Breath
I need to talk to somebody
Or I am going to die
This cant be. You feel the sun. everythings ok. Nothing is happening now. The terror was so long ago. Now you have friends and your world is right-side up again, as long as you can keep your head on straight. The sun, the sun, you chant to yourself. The sun is here and it is safe and I smell the grass.
If someone doesnt help me now I am going to kill myself.
You eye the highway. Its busy. Cars to run in front of.
Please help me I don’t know where to go!
(No… lets remember the sunshine) The warmth is going now. You try to remember the feeling of the sun on your face.
But inside you are screaming now.
Fists pound the ground. Despair. Screaming.
No remember you are fine. Warmth. Why are you going crazy? Why are you
Losing. Your. Mind.?
Losing sight of the sun. UPSIDE. DOWN .AGAIN!.
Youre going to kill youself if this screaming inside doesnt
The sun, the sun. you try to remember. It was bright.(wasnt it?)
But stop this.
There is no reason.
(NO! NO! NO!)
no reason except that everything—is— crashing— in—on —- you—
LET ME BE!! HELP ME!
Your fists pound.
INSIDE.(How much longer can you keep it in?)
(But the sun?)
there is no sun now.
Just falling apart inside. Ache.
If you could feel the sun again. What if you told the truth?
Would the world cave in? Would you be abandoned? Will everyone hate you when they learn about the chaos inside your head?
But it was just a normal day. it was just a normal day. (except that there is no normal anymore. There .is. no. day. )
Living a secret life:
A freewrite of sorts
I pondered for a time what was most important to me to write about first. Wise Ealgewings told me to just start. Whatever was to come out first she said would indeed come out.
So here is what came out. It probably skips around. I chose to leave it unedited at this time. If I edit it now, I will end up changing the essence of it, something I do not wish to do.
I was born long ago. I don’t know exactly when. Sometime when the body was around age 10 (perhaps a year or so earlier even).
I didn’t know about being many in the body at first. I am sure of that. At what point I knew there were others? I don’t really know.
What I do know is this.
It was always a secret life, right from the start.
Some things I just knew not to tell or say aloud. I knew I was different yet I didn’t know how I was different.
I realized at about age oh 14 or therebouts (understand all references to time/age are guesstimates) that i wasn’t like most girls.
While they were taking notice of boys I was taking notice of them. I knew to keep this secret. And secret I kept it, and then there was college. I won’t get into that. Suffice to say I did much of the college for the Berriez and I was me, in ways I had never been me.
I recall the day in freshman psychology class the topic was MPD. As I listened to the teacher, I made a profound realization. That was me. I later did my own research to learn more. It was then I had a name for what I was. I had always heard a voice, and had discusions inside. I did for a time think everyone did.
After that class. Things changed. A member of the system, who I won’t mention by name, i’ll call her M, started to tell me more and let me in on more. I was strong she said and capable. She asked me what my true name was, I recall her exact words “what is your name, not that bullshit name you answer to your real name”. It was just suddenly there. I was Meagan.
It was at that point I began to realize just how much lying I did. How in secret I lived. I answered to and pretended to be a person I wasn’t. I pretended to like males. I shared front space with members of the system without their knowledge. The list goes on and on.
Not long after I realized that, I began to wonder why it was that way. I began to question M, who doesn’t like her decisions to be questioned to this day. She told me a few reasons we had to pretend. The ones that stick out most for me are ‘someone tried to tell the mother and she said stop pretending’, and ‘the system wasn’t ready to know’
The life of secret continued though my questioning never stopped. (I never have been one to follow the rules)
I don’t really know what happened that made us leave college. Someone else must have that knowledge.
A few Berriez began to date the now husband of the body, Nathan. When M figured out I was gay, I was not allowed to interfere in that relationship they had. Though M didn’t like Nathan, she had special plans to get him to leave. (That story is not mine to tell either) Nathan to me was a means to get out of the state. The berrie front never thought they were good or capable enough to move away, so it wasn’t until Nathan suggested moving here to the state we reside in, that they were able to do so. A few years later Nathan and the body were married.
Nathan at that point didn’t know we were a we. The secrets were numerous, and growing every day. (I started here to tell the story of how the secret of us being multiple got out, and I was told in no uncertain terms that that is Sierra’s story to tell, so I shall leave it for her.)
My memory gets fuzzy at that point and then suddenly it was a few weeks to a month ago and I was back.
It is a totally different life. I life I can be a bit more comfortable in. Though the body is still married, and since I share the body cannot go have my own relationship with a person of my choosing, many of the secrets are no longer.
It was a hard secret to keep. Remembering to say I instead of we. Acting alike enough to pass as one. Recalling information. Coming out in the middle of a conversation and trying to act like you know what is going on.
We all still have secrets from each other inside. That will always be and is at the core of multiplicity. The secret of being multiple is one I will never have to carry again.
It is a joy for me to be able to live openly. I liken it to living openly as a gay person. When you are out, though it is scarey and does put you out there for people to react how they will, it is a freeing thing.
It isn’t a shameful thing to be multiple. Why should we keep it secret.
Many multipes say societies reaction to child abuse and multiplicity makes them feel they have to stay hidden. They think we are foolish to live openly.
For me I think it is unfair of me to expect society to change it’s views unless people are willing to be open and honest and refuse to live in shame. There will always be unaccepting people, such is the nature of life. Still I choose to do what i can. For both multiples and child abuse.
People hurt the body yes. But to say all people are bad or all people will hurt is not anymore true than any other generalization. This In My opinion is something many multiples can’t or won’t see. They can’t see that people can be good. I refuse however to let the past color my world in regards to everything. I will always be extra cautious and untrusting. I will not however hide away and get through life. I will experience life.
It is scarey to be called my name. It gives people a certain power to call me my name. However it is glorious to not have to keep it a secret.
There is a hive I can see from the porch. I’m not sure what it is about them that amazes me so. They are so tiny, and round. I am told they are carpentar bees. They are round like barrels and large. The buzzing noise they make i love. I have really been watching them closely. I have learned a lot.
Formost I have learned the curious behaviors people have around bees. From inside people are saying I am silly to like the bees. Out here I see people running through them, waving them away, even yelling at them.
I can understand that behavior from people who are allergic to them. I am told they sting, of course I have yet to be stung by one and perhaps if I ever am I will have a different view of them.
There is one bees who is stationed outside the nest entrane. I call him the sentinal. When another bee approaches he flies around him, i think he is checking if it is a bee from the nest or an invader. Then they do a dance. I have learned that this dance is giving the bee directions to where the scouter bee has found pollen. Then some more bees appear and they fly off to get the pollen. This dance amazes me. They fly round and round, rising and falling in the air. I wish I could decifer what the various parts mean. They often join together in the air. I’m not sure what they are doing then. Is the bee finding out the taste of the pollen the scouter bee brought?
I love the idea that there is one queen bee, and the rest is male. Then when another queen is born she and some of the workers fly off to find a new nest.
I’ve had honey. I’d like to know more about how it comes to be made by bees. Ihave some books coming to the library about bees. I’d like to try some honeycomb. I’d like to visit a bee keepers place.
I figure I must spend hours out there a day watching the bees. They’ve watched me i think. And they’ve started to approach me. They fly around me and land on me. I love the tickle of them walking across the skin. I am not at all afraid of them. I think they sense that I mean them no harm. I only wish to watch them, to understand them.
I recently discovered spring. Spring is new to me. This being my first one, I imagine I have a child’s amazement of everything. I have taken to sit outside to drink morning coffee. Everything about spring is glorious. The smells so different from fall and winter. The beauty of trees with sprouting leaves, sprouting flowers. The birds singing there glorious song. The smell of freshly cut grass.
I’ve noticed that people don’t seem amazed by things. Perhaps it is because it is not new to them. I find it sad though. They are so used to life they fail to notice it’s beauties. Perhaps some of them just don’t take the time to notice. They are desentized to nature I suppose. Nothing is new to them. I hate to think a time will come for me when nothing is new to me. I hope that never happens. I think it is sad that as people grow up and age past childhood they loose that child’s amazement they once had. What a sad way to go through adulthood. No wonder so many of them are so unhappy.
I’m sure some of you think i’m silly for my amazement. Perhaps you can’t imagine what it is like to be amazed by an ordinary every day thing.
I invite you all to go somewhere in nature and just be with nature. Notice it, experience it with all your senses. Experience and notice all it’s amazing beauty.
Nature is all around us, and so often people don’t notice don’t respect it. They cut down trees, destroy wildlands to put up another mcdonalds, instead of going round the corner to the one standing. Have people forgot that plants and trees give us the very oxygen we breath?
Can you imagine a land barren of nature completely? Even in the desert there are plants and when there is rain it is amazing the plants that suddenly come to life.
A world without nature would in my opinion be an awful place to live. A world I wouldn’t want to live in.
Have a delightful day!
I’m here waving hi after who knows how long of being away.
My job in caring for the littles in the system has kept me away from being out here for awhile.
The rough time is over for now and the sun is shining.
It is as though we just came out of a black hole and are now waiting for our eyes to readjust to the light.
I’m looking forward to getting time to finish up the myths and truths and also to write more chapters in the Berriez story.
For now I am off to inside. The repairmen are coming and I don’t deal well with strange people in the house. Meagan will wait for them.
A quote comes to mind:
“it’s darkest just before dawn.”
For so long that quote stuck with me yet i didn’t really appreciate or understand it’s full meaning. I really get it now.
I think too that we appreciate the dawn so much more and life so much more after the darkest hours.
From Meagan- family members who turn away.
Someone posted a comment about an entry with a quote. I feel the need to reply here.
It takes such a cold uncaring person to not help a family member who is being hurt. . It is one thing to turn away from a person who isn’t a family member being abused. But to turn away from an immeadiate family takes a sort of person I shutter to imagine, and yet know all too well. I totally agree with you. If you know about it and do nothing you are just as guilty. I do believe in the case of murder they call it and accesorry? I think of abuse as murder anyways. It is murder of the spirit, of innocence. No matter what type of abuse it is.
For me personally it is worse. The person who abuses is evil and wrong. Yet they for there own wrong warped reasons believe they are doing the right thing. (how they come to that logic is way beyond me)
The people in the family who know though (aside from siblings who can’t help) they turn away. They know and choose to not see. For a person to do that, it is such a powerful message that is sent to the child. Mainly there is no help so don’t bother to look for it. I think it also sends a message to the child of ‘you deserve it’. Children simply don’t think with an adults logic, to them if nobody helps them they must have deserved it. In my opinion anyways.
Do’s And Don’ts for Singleton Friends Of Multiples
Found this at http://www.abuseconsultants.com/index.asp Some of this doesn’t apply here as we don’t know you in 3d life.
Do’s and Don’ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples:
Do NOT ever touch us from behind.
Do NOT ever touch our throat.
Do NOT ever touch the back of our head.
DO speak to our inner children like children.
Do NOT ask “Who’s here now?” If we wanted you to know we would tell you.
Do NOT tell an alter that you don’t know to “go get” the host…there could be several of the same name…different age groups.
Do NOT expect consistency of feeling, thought, or action on any subject.
Do NOT tell anyone to go inside because you do not like their views.
DO set healthy boundaries.
If you are uncomfortable with something said or done, say so, and do NOT avoid us in the future without an explanation.
Be understanding that we have many crisis situations in our lives of healing from our abuse, i.e.: flashbacks, panic attacks, body memories.
Laugh, make jokes with us, really, it’s OK!
Do NOT assume anything if you honestly want to know about our “disorder” please ask, we’ll tell you the truth.
Do NOT treat us like “the freak you happen to know” around your singleton friends.
Do NOT use our difficulties as a subject of conversation with your singleton friends.
Sometimes we are paralyzed with depression, and cannot call you, clean our house, or get out of bed. Don’t take it personally.
We will fight being hospitalized….. even though we actually show that we need it at the time. Hospitals are extremely frightening for us.
DO be supportive of our healthy behaviors no matter how small the accomplishment may seem to you.
DO be encouraging.
When we ask to talk to you, we aren’t asking you to come up with answers to our problems. We don’t expect you to FIX it. Sometimes we just need someone to LISTEN… that is the greatest gift of all!!
DON’T tell us that the abuse happened a long time ago and for us to “just get over it!” That is a HUGE insult!!