Living a secret life:
A freewrite of sorts
I pondered for a time what was most important to me to write about first. Wise Ealgewings told me to just start. Whatever was to come out first she said would indeed come out.
So here is what came out. It probably skips around. I chose to leave it unedited at this time. If I edit it now, I will end up changing the essence of it, something I do not wish to do.
I was born long ago. I don’t know exactly when. Sometime when the body was around age 10 (perhaps a year or so earlier even).
I didn’t know about being many in the body at first. I am sure of that. At what point I knew there were others? I don’t really know.
What I do know is this.
It was always a secret life, right from the start.
Some things I just knew not to tell or say aloud. I knew I was different yet I didn’t know how I was different.
I realized at about age oh 14 or therebouts (understand all references to time/age are guesstimates) that i wasn’t like most girls.
While they were taking notice of boys I was taking notice of them. I knew to keep this secret. And secret I kept it, and then there was college. I won’t get into that. Suffice to say I did much of the college for the Berriez and I was me, in ways I had never been me.
I recall the day in freshman psychology class the topic was MPD. As I listened to the teacher, I made a profound realization. That was me. I later did my own research to learn more. It was then I had a name for what I was. I had always heard a voice, and had discusions inside. I did for a time think everyone did.
After that class. Things changed. A member of the system, who I won’t mention by name, i’ll call her M, started to tell me more and let me in on more. I was strong she said and capable. She asked me what my true name was, I recall her exact words “what is your name, not that bullshit name you answer to your real name”. It was just suddenly there. I was Meagan.
It was at that point I began to realize just how much lying I did. How in secret I lived. I answered to and pretended to be a person I wasn’t. I pretended to like males. I shared front space with members of the system without their knowledge. The list goes on and on.
Not long after I realized that, I began to wonder why it was that way. I began to question M, who doesn’t like her decisions to be questioned to this day. She told me a few reasons we had to pretend. The ones that stick out most for me are ‘someone tried to tell the mother and she said stop pretending’, and ‘the system wasn’t ready to know’
The life of secret continued though my questioning never stopped. (I never have been one to follow the rules)
I don’t really know what happened that made us leave college. Someone else must have that knowledge.
A few Berriez began to date the now husband of the body, Nathan. When M figured out I was gay, I was not allowed to interfere in that relationship they had. Though M didn’t like Nathan, she had special plans to get him to leave. (That story is not mine to tell either) Nathan to me was a means to get out of the state. The berrie front never thought they were good or capable enough to move away, so it wasn’t until Nathan suggested moving here to the state we reside in, that they were able to do so. A few years later Nathan and the body were married.
Nathan at that point didn’t know we were a we. The secrets were numerous, and growing every day. (I started here to tell the story of how the secret of us being multiple got out, and I was told in no uncertain terms that that is Sierra’s story to tell, so I shall leave it for her.)
My memory gets fuzzy at that point and then suddenly it was a few weeks to a month ago and I was back.
It is a totally different life. I life I can be a bit more comfortable in. Though the body is still married, and since I share the body cannot go have my own relationship with a person of my choosing, many of the secrets are no longer.
It was a hard secret to keep. Remembering to say I instead of we. Acting alike enough to pass as one. Recalling information. Coming out in the middle of a conversation and trying to act like you know what is going on.
We all still have secrets from each other inside. That will always be and is at the core of multiplicity. The secret of being multiple is one I will never have to carry again.
It is a joy for me to be able to live openly. I liken it to living openly as a gay person. When you are out, though it is scarey and does put you out there for people to react how they will, it is a freeing thing.
It isn’t a shameful thing to be multiple. Why should we keep it secret.
Many multipes say societies reaction to child abuse and multiplicity makes them feel they have to stay hidden. They think we are foolish to live openly.
For me I think it is unfair of me to expect society to change it’s views unless people are willing to be open and honest and refuse to live in shame. There will always be unaccepting people, such is the nature of life. Still I choose to do what i can. For both multiples and child abuse.
People hurt the body yes. But to say all people are bad or all people will hurt is not anymore true than any other generalization. This In My opinion is something many multiples can’t or won’t see. They can’t see that people can be good. I refuse however to let the past color my world in regards to everything. I will always be extra cautious and untrusting. I will not however hide away and get through life. I will experience life.
It is scarey to be called my name. It gives people a certain power to call me my name. However it is glorious to not have to keep it a secret.