Monthly Archives: February 2009

Rough Night

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Well we had a really rough night last night, another one of those got into bed and was wide awake nights. That is so very frustrating. Then our back was hurting as well. We know it is body memories. No matter how we layed we couldn’t get comfortable, but we finally fell asleep and feel decent today. We woke up with the cat laying on us, what a cutey he is.

Ash Wed.

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We have been doing really well with SI lately. We don’t want to conceive or carry a child while harming our body, that is like harming the baby, we won’t do that.

Yet today–

There is this urge to burn the body, not an urge really, it’s more like a need, something that someone inside feels she ‘has’ to do. That she is bad and she must pay.

We finally found out what ‘system’ this members is from, narrowed down who it is. She said some really strange things. We know most to nothing about what Ash wednesday actually is. We know someone inside knows but she isn’t speaking up about it.

This little is talking about how she was warned to not talk to not tell, or share or anything, and that if she did she would have to burn. That she would be turned into ashes for being a sinner and then they would use those ashes during ash wednesday. She’s terrified and we’re terrified. There is only one of us who is currently able to help us with this stuff inside, and we know she is working on it, but we all in the meantime feel terrified and just plain lost.

Dream-Evil green cup

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Evil green cup made an appearance in our dreams last night. In the dream we notice the cup and get upset but don’t know why, we push it down. (the cup is a cup our main abuser had with him all the time).

The dream itself was very strange, we are running home, it’s a long way, we run through people’s yards and one teen notices, takes us to his mother, his mother says how great I am running, and invites me in. She is being so nice I don’t feel I can say no. In the kitchen I notice she has a green tall cup. I am bothered but don’t know why, I push it down.

She starts talking about how we need to know things, she will help me learn. She goes off to get something. A girl (approx. age 10?) comes she has this rope, but it’s a metal rope with a plastic cover (like the dog tie outs) There is a gathering crowd outside in the front yard. I warn everyone and then swing the rope down, it was hooked into the ceiling. It hits the ground with a thud and again I am rattled. The woman of the house, announces I will be singing with the rope. I don’t understand how that came about. I begin to walk with the rope, to where I will sing, and the dream ended.

Struggling today

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Well today we are struggling. We have something we have never had before. An overwhelming urge to burn the body, and burn badly. Along with it is the thought that we have to punish, that we have been ‘bad’. That we have said to much, etc. We are fighting this very hard.

We feel sick today, spinny and terrified.

Ash Wednesday

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This is a rough day for us, all of the easter season is difficult for us.
This year we have a plan to help us get through- we plan to cross-stitch (see our cross-stitch blog for more on that) through the next weeks. We are extra nervous as since we are trying to conceive we cannot take the sleeping meds we usually take, that we also use to help us calm down.

25 things spouse and I- survery

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Survey stolen from Manitou Wolf

This is kind of like the 25 things – except there are pre-decided questions
and it’s about you and your spouse, not just you. Come on, play along –
inquiring minds want to know! 😉

What are your names: Cheyenne and N

What are your middle names? Anne & Wade

How long have you been together? 14 years, married 10 this october

How long did you know each other before you started dating? 3-4 months (1 month I was away at college)

Who asked who out? I don’t recall

How old are each of you? Body is 32, N is 33

Whose siblings do/did you see more often? His, my brother lives across the country.

Do you have any children together? Not yet but we are trying.

What about pets? A dog, mallow, and a cat, Auggie.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Being multiple.

Did you go to the same school? nope

Are you from the same home town? nope

Who is the smartest? street smart, me, stupid knowledge him.

Who is the most sensitive? Me.

Where do you eat out most as a couple? Mostly he eats out with other members of the system.

Who has the craziest ex? it’s a tie.

Who has the worst temper? Him

Who does the cooking? He does, but likley other members of the system cook the most. I can’t cook.

Who is more social? Neither

Who is the neat-freak? neither

Who is the more stubborn? Tie

Who hogs the bed? When we share a bed, him. Mostly we sleep in separate beds, I don’t get to stay out all night very often.

Who wakes up earlier? Him.

Where was your first date? We went out to Chi-Chi’s on a double date.

Who has the bigger family? We consider ourselves with our pets to be our family.

Do you get flowers often? Few times a year is that often?.

How do you spend the holidays? Together in our home.

Who is more jealous? Neither.

How long did it take to get serious? I moved out of state with him 2 years after we met, but we were serious about a year before that.

Who eats more? Him.

Who does/did the laundry? The laundromat

Who’s better with the computer? Him (or a member of the system- sierra- she built this computer)

Who drives when you are together? He does, we don’t have a license right now.

Strange Dream

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We had a strange dream last night. We were at this school we used to work at, the pap was with us, we were there to do odd jobs. We were in a bathroom stall dipping fixtures in paint that was mixed in water. We kept commenting it was hard to get the paint on evenly with dipping it how we were. The pap was in the next stall doing something and talking to us.

content I don’t remember here.

Then we are biking with the mother, home from that school. It was a 40 mile bike ride, the mother kept wanting to stop at McD’s but we didn’t but we stopped anyways.

When we woke up our legs were exhausted and still are, feels like we really have been biking!