Monthly Archives: March 2009

A breakthrough for a little


A very traumatzied little took a huge step yesterday. She did a collage of things, We aren’t sure if it is memories or feelings or both (she can’t talk) so this is huge for her to reach out in this way. She is one of the ones who was in the cabin.

Sometimes I think taking a break from places helps you get things into focus. It’s so easy for us to just loose focus, I think it’s a dissociative thing, we think of others use that as a way to avoid ourselves, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just how we are.



Doing what we need for us


It’s hard to do what we need for ourselves. Hard to say we need time away. We have always just disappeared in the past, without letting people know. We never imagined anyone would even notice. Last time we did that someone did notice, so this time we are telling groups that we won’t be around much for a bit. It’s a scary thing to do.

There are 2 main reasons, we are feeling unsafe right now. Also though we know we tend to support others to the point of ignoring ourselves and we need to work on some difficult memories we have been putting off for a long time. To do so we need to not be on the computer all the time, we need to just sit with ourselves, and let ourselves think about things we really would rather not.

Mostly this won’t affect this blog or our other blogs, maybe we will blog a bit more in this one, only time will tell.

We do hope to work up the courage to share some more art we have done.

It’s hard to be selfish, to think of ourselves only and do what we need for us. It’s isolating as well.
People may not realize how much we depend on groups, how much a part of our lives they are, even when we don’t post a lot we read, so it is a big deal to not even read, to not be online much.

Not natural


For our system we find that being front for long stretches can help a person work through memories and begin to get closure on them. Many before have done this, but it is unnatural.

I mean how am I supposed to go from pushing stuff away automatically to thinking about it, and why would I want to? They say to get closure, but hell how is that possible, I don’t believe I will get closure, yet i’m expected to try anyways.

Well fuck I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about it, or work on anything, last time I did the inside world flooded.


Listening to my gut


I was taught early in life to not trust my gut, I was taught all sorts of things- most of them are too horrid to repeat.
I was told that I was a child, I was a girl, I didn’t know anything, I should always listen to the adult, the elder.
And that is a message that is hard to break.

Over the years though I have slowly and painfully learned to trust my gut instinct.
Time and time again, I have felt, or known something that I passed off for one reason or another.

Most of the time I am the one who ends up on the loosing end. So this time I am trying to listen to my gut.
Heed my instinct. It’s not easy though. It’s not easy to go against what others say, what others think,
yet I will try to stand by my feeling.

Someone in a board I belong to feels unsafe, it’s an instinctual thing and honestly
I feel that over the years we’ve honed our ability on who are unsafe people.

But what is the right action to take? I mean it’s limited. I wrote to the owner explaining my feelings, asking
that this person not be given instant access to very sensitive areas. Will that work, or help me feel safer? I don’t know.
I hope so. But what if it doesn’t? Will it come to leaving there to protect my safety? And how can this person really affect my safety since
we are so very private online with our personal info? Yet the feeling of being unsafe is such a horrid feeling.


dungeon dad in austria pleads guilty


ST. POELTEN, Austria – In a stunning turn of events, an Austrian on trial for imprisoning his daughter for 24 years and fathering her seven children pleaded guilty Wednesday to all charges against him — including homicide. The move came after his daughter appeared unexpectedly in the courtroom.

Surprising even his lawyer, Josef Fritzl calmly acknowledged his guilt on the third day of a trial that has drawn worldwide media attention for its shocking allegations.

“I declare myself guilty to the charges in the indictment,” Fritzl, 73, told a panel of judges, referring to what he called “my sick behavior.”

Fritzl had been charged with negligent homicide, enslavement, rape, incest, forced imprisonment and coercion. Initially he had only pleaded guilty to incest and forced imprisonment. The change of plea means he could face up to life in prison for the negligent homicide charge — literally “murder by neglect” in German.

Elisabeth was the prosecution’s key witness against Fritzl. Now 42, she was 18 when he imprisoned her in the cramped, windowless cell he built beneath the family’s home in the town of Amstetten. He then raped her for years.

Asked by the presiding judge what had led him to change his mind, Fritzl said it was the testimony from Elisabeth — the court had viewed 11 hours of her videotaped statement during closed-door sessions Monday and Tuesday.

Fritzl’s lawyer, Rudolf Mayer, said Fritzl had asked to see a psychiatrist after Tuesday’s session.

“It must really have shaken him up,” he said, referring to Elisabeth’s testimony.

However, a person familiar with the trial told The Associated Press that Elisabeth herself was in the courtroom on both days — suggesting her presence alone might have unnerved Fritzl and prompted him to change his pleas.

The person spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the closed-door proceedings.

Other officials would not confirm that Elisabeth was there. Before the trial, prosecutors had said she would not be present and would testify only through her prerecorded remarks.

The homicide charge came for the death of an infant twin boy — Michael — born to Elisabeth in April 1996 who prosecutors say might have survived with proper medical care had he and his mother not been locked in the basement.

Elisabeth and her six surviving children, who range in age from 6 to 20, have spent months recovering from their ordeal in a psychiatric clinic and at a secret location. Prosecutors have described her as a “broken” woman.

Psychiatrist Adelheid Kastner told the court Wednesday that Fritzl had a very serious personality disorder and would pose a threat to others even at his advanced age if freed. She recommended that Fritzl serve out his sentence in a special prison facility for psychologically deranged criminals.

Fritzl expressed regret that he didn’t bring the ailing infant out of the dungeon and get medical help.

“I don’t know why I didn’t help,” Fritzl said. “I just overlooked it. I thought the little one would survive.”

“I should have recognized that the baby was doing poorly,” he added.

Mayer, his lawyer, had previously said Fritzl only saw the newborn once it was already dead.

Wearing a mismatched suit and a blue shirt, Fritzl did not hide his face behind a binder Wednesday as he had done for the last two days when led into the courtroom in St. Poelten, west of Vienna.

After the plea change, the psychiatrist’s testimony and brief consideration of reports about the cellar, officials adjourned the trial until Thursday morning.

Legal experts say the jury will still have to deliver a verdict despite Fritzl’s guilty pleas, although his confessions are grounds for a lesser sentence. The verdict and sentence for Fritzl are expected Thursday after closing statements from both sides.

Police say DNA tests prove Fritzl is the biological father of all six of Elisabeth’s surviving children, three of whom never saw daylight until the crime came to light 11 months ago.

Three of the children grew up underground in Amstetten and the other three were brought upstairs to be raised by Fritzl and his wife, Rosemarie, who apparently believed they had been abandoned.

Prosecutors have alleged that Fritzl refused to speak to his daughter during the first few years of her ordeal, coming downstairs only to rape her. They said the rapes sometimes occurred in front of the children.

Mayer had not been aware of Fritzl’s change of heart before Wednesday’s session. “He didn’t discuss it with me,” he said.

Kastner, the psychiatrist who met with Fritzl several times and put together a psychological profile for the court, said the Austrian had a deep need to control people. She said Fritzl had an ability to block out his crimes but knew what he was doing was wrong, acknowledging he had a guilty conscience when he went to bed at night and when he woke up in the morning.

“Fritzl is guilty for what he did,” she said, adding he also believed “he was born to rape.”

She said the large number of children Fritzl fathered only strengthened the control he had over his victim. “The more children, the more power,” Kastner said. “This is about possession … power … control.”

Fritzl had testified earlier this week that he had a difficult childhood and a bad relationship with his mother.

“The climate in his parent’s house was marked by fear,” Kastner said.

The Associated Press normally withholds the names of victims of sexual assault. In this case, the withholding of Elisabeth’s name by the AP became impractical when her name and her father’s were announced publicly by police and details about them became the subject of publicity both in their home country and around the world.


Associated Press Writer William J. Kole in Vienna contributed to this report.

Beginning- 3/12/09


IMG_3540This collage was done by a member of the system who wishes to remain anonymous on here, so we shall call her M.

The background is acrylic paint on cardboard found laying around. The images are mostly printed from various sources online.

The picture is clickable for a bit of a better view.

Abuse by Priests/clergy


We happened upon a tv show today on Sundance channel (they have such great documentaries) about SA in the catholic church, and how the church in rome still won’t really acknowledge it, sweeps it under the rug etc. This brings things to our mind.

It is all so very fuzzy but we know it happened, we know it happened in the church when we were supposed to be at religon class (CCD). Images of the bathroom, and the hall beneath the church…

Then there is one bit that….

It was after religon class the father was to pick us up but he forgot, a priest noticed us sitting there and asked us into the house they live in (on church property) we remember the entry, the stairs going up, and this bedroom with a big giant bed, the room had a lot of red in it, we recall also being on the bed and staring out the window.