Monthly Archives: April 2009

Catch up

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Rather quiet week start so far. Had some drama over the weekend, we upset a strong member of the system and she threatened to destroy every relationship we have. That has settled down , which relieves us greatly.

Finally got the remaining threads for our Chatelaine project (more info about it at stitching blog). Started it today. Not enough progress to show however.

I just finished reading an author that I really love. Cody McFadyen. He only has 3 books but they are all superb- Dark, disturbing, but deep, and human as well.

So this latest book ‘Darker Side’, got me thinking. A serial killer’s ‘reasons’ are religous in nature, Talking about truth and sin. (in the book) This topic really confuses us, as well some of the abuse we suffered centered around religon, and we were told and made to remember lies about it, and so well you get the idea.

I’m not sure what i’m trying to get out here. It’s all confused and muddled, such is our way.

I hold anger for the system as they learn that they were told lies, as they remember abuse they suffered, sometimes that anger overwhelms me, so I write stories. Really disturbing and cathartic stories about things I imagine I would do to a main abuser if he were alive. The gorier and more pain he suffers the better I feel, the more cathartic it is. Sometimes I wonder if this is wrong, is it a sin to do that? Mostly I don’t care, but sometimes I just get to wondering. I’d never do it, not only is he dead, but I won’t stoop to his level. Does that make it any less wrong?

It’s such a hard topic for us, religon, it’s so confusing and mixed up. It really disturbs us that they used religon against us. It’s truly poisoned our ability to have religon, and that in itself is so bothersome.

In the book the killer discusses confessing to God your sins, and how if you are truly sorry you are forgiven. And this bothers me. First what determines if you are truly sorry, is that something that God just does? Does that mean I am to forgive those who did such horrid things to us? And what if I simply can’t, does that make me wrong, or bad? Another thing is the idea that the grandfather could have confessed to God and been forgiven and gone to heaven. I’m really bothered by that idea. Even if he was truly sorry, that doesn’t erase it, so how can it just be forgiven, how can there be no consequence for that action and that be okay.

There is so much terminology in religon that confuse us, we read on a blog recently where Grace was mentioned, we don’t know what that even means, and it makes us feel stupid, and dumb, all we hear is echoes of words told us long ago, how it is something we will never have.

Forced

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eaglewings thinks she can force me to be out here and I will agree to do healing work? She doesn’t know me very well- I am not doing any healing work-

I am done having a little sit over me to tell me what to type on boards so I am ‘civil’ fuck that-

M

No more meds

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went to the female doctor for a preconception visit. She was very nice, told her of the PTSD, and anxiety. Unfortuantly none of my meds are okay. Ambien a baby can be born addicted to, and Celexa may cause issues, I’d rather be safe than sorry. So I am weaning off that starting tomorrow. The only thing I can take other than benadryl and Tylenol is welbutrin, although that is mostly for depression and doesn’t help much with anxiety, but I will try it. So I am stuck with just not having anything. I am quite scared about this, but I will do it (n- says that is the definition of being brave).I sure don’t feel brave.

Stitching is one thing that does help anxiety, so I may be stitching more for awhile!

No more meds.

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Well- we went to the female doctor for a preconception visit. She was very nice, we told her of the PTSD, and anxiety but not being a we. She didn’t mention our weight which was nice. Unfortuantly none of our meds are okay. Ambien a baby can be born addicted to, and Celexa may cause issues, We’d rather be safe than sorry. So we are weaning off that starting tomorrow. The only thing we can take other than benadryl and Tylenol is welbutrin, although that is mostly for depression and doesn’t help much with anxiety, but we will try it. So we are stuck with just not having anything. We are quite scared about this, but we will do it (n- says that is the definition of being brave). We sure don’t think we are brave.