Monthly Archives: December 2009

catch up

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It’s been about 6 months since I really stitched on anything. The break has done me good. Now the stitching bug has come back. Problem is that my current set up doesn’t work as i’m now nearly 32 weeks pregnant, and the lap desk is nowhere near me! I’ve been wanting a lap stand for awhile now, i’m thinking maybe after xmas I will treat myself to one.

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Snow

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I like snow. It’s white.
Blindingly white.
White is pure
untouched
clean and crisp.

I love the crunch of snow,
the way everything seems to
slow down
stop even.

Nothing but quiet
snow falling
covering and
surrounding
in it’s cold
stark beauty.

It’s always different yet
exactly the same.
It’s wet and heavy,
Dry and fluffy
each flake different
yet looks exactly the same.

I love the pleasant memories
associated with snow.
No the Happy memories.

Sledding down the alley
with nana and pap.
On the wooden sled
with the medal runners.

Always left me feeling connected
to them in their younger years,
for it was a very old sled.

Drinking hot chocolate
with as many marshmallows
as I wanted.
Red noses and frozen toes,
hands that barely moved
they were so cold….

Not that that mattered
what mattered was feeling
content, happy, alive
and safe.

Making snowmen
Starting with a tiny snowball
rolling it ever larger
making tracks in the snow
until finally you have 3 balls.
Finding things inside to use
to decorate the snowman.

Yes I love the snow.

By Alex with input of some others.

Missing Memories

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We have come a long way, we realize that. What we don’t like to think about is that our life still has HUGE holes in it. This is normal for a multiple.

We don’t know each others stories, for the most part. We like it that way though know that may change at some point.

Still we know some few bits, a bit here a bit there about many inside. Their are some exceptions. One of them ae those we call ‘ the S patches’. All their names begin with an ‘S’. We know next to nothing about them.

One of them is Silence. Her name says what we know about her. She is a teen and she can’t speak. We have a few like that inside, but Silence stands out in one way, she does not communicate at all. We think she hears though we aren’t sure.

From looking in past journals, she seems to come out durung December. Of course when she is front we loose the ability to communicate.thank goodness for Nathan to help us piece some things together.

It seems likely that she came to be in December. That whatever the reason she doesn’t communicate happenend in December. Unfortunatly because she doesn’t communicate- our hands are tied. There isn’t much we can do. According to Nathan ‘the S Patches’ relate somehow to the father.

There is another member around only in December. Her name is Keyna. What we know about her is disturbing. The grandfathers birthday was the 17th of the month- Keyna was a ‘present’ for him. I don’t think I have to say what sort of present she was.

We know that there is a little- Anne who has a bad memory involving a christmas tree.

In later years we were shipped from parent to parent as per the custody agreement. Those are the sum of our lifetinme December memories.

We know there is a lot missing. And so we just do our best during December not really knowing or understanding why we get so upset and out of whack.

Time to move on?

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We wonder how we know when it is time to move on. (not talking about here). In a group we are in, the DID one, it has been a long time since we felt we belonged, we no longer feel we recieve much support from there. We wonder how we know when it is time to move on? I guess we are waiting for this huge sign to tell us but that isn’t likely to happen. It is complicated because we are administrators there, and we feel bad if we leave, but when does it become something that is harmful to us?

We are struggling a lot with words right now. This has taken days to write. December is a very difficult month for us, so I guess this is normal?

Seeing the fathers picture on facebook yesterday has really upset us. Why didn’t we deserve a father? A dad? what did we do that was so terrible? We feel defective and flawed in some fundamental way, how can anyone else like/love us if the father didn’t?

While we were down in nc and sc- we seemed okay. We didn’t have just one member out front, nor did we have a lot of members front as we usually do. And we seemed content. Then we get home and fall apart. And it gets us thinking- why were we different down there? Was it because of who was front a lot were those more together capable members? Was it because we had to be okay and together? What we really wonder though is- was it because we were social? Because we were talking to people and interacting with them? We wonder if we need to be more social here. We know that is hard right now, since we don’t drive, but we are working on that, maybe when we drive again, we need to try to be social. And yet we honestly and this may sound stupid, but we don’t know how to be. It is okay if Nathan is there, we follow his lead, but by ourselves we flounder- we’ve always been this way. We don’t know how to talk to people- how do we learn how to do that? We know much of it is social anxiety issues but surely there is a way beyond that right?