Monthly Archives: October 2010

I wish……


I wish………..

-that I had something important to say, something poignant and beautiful.

-we appreciated what we have, how lucky we are.

-that we just were able to take our medicine every damn day. Why is it so hard?

– to find the courage to remember and the strength to not..

-that it didn’t matter more to protect nana and pap than confront the mother.

-For cutting and burning to not be a big deal to others.

-freedom. Plain and simple.

-sleep longer than 2 hours at a stretch.

-death. There I said it, its taboo but its true, and yet its not.
Its not death I crave so much as silence, peace, control.

-the mother to not care more about our weight than what really
matters. She showers me with money and things when I tell her we’re
loosing weight but can’t really listen about what really matters.

-calmness, the pounding in my chest, the ache of my heart to leave,
the sound of blood rushing in my ears. The panic, the anxiety to find
a new home.

-the ability to notice our strengths, to not put ourselves down.

-to believe in ourselves. To love ourselves or even like ourselves

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I cut. I did it. It was too much. Too much stress and whining and
crying and snot and milk. Calling it Troy juice doesn’t make it not
milk. Milk everywhere. It was a bad day. We are sick, troy is sick.
Nathan is working overtime. Those aren’t excuses though. I got angry.
I cut as a way to deal with anger. As a way to expel that anger. Was
it the best way? No. Was it better than yelling at troy? Yes I think
it was.

Please don’t tell me that I shouldn’t have cut. That I have a baby now
and can’t do that. I know all those things already.

While I am confessing………. At some point we stopped taking our
celexa. The depression came back. How horrible is it to fantasize
about giving your 8 month old baby for adoption? I could give lots of
reasons why we didn’t take it, truth is, I thought we should be over
the ppd by now- he is 8 months old. I thought we could just deal with
any depression that was left. I was wrong.


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Difficult therapy session


Had a difficult therapy session. Did lots of work in one hour.
Carolyn says to take it easy and we aren’t having therapy next week.
Time to rest and just sit with everything. We had a hard time staying
present this week. Or maybe more accurately I had trouble staying

Told her that we have names though I acted still like (body name) ,
well, I acted like me sierra but I didn’t tell her I am not (body

She mentioned the idea of bringing members from the past into the
present. And she totally understood that that doesn’t work for us. It
feels…… Disrespectful of them, of that truth and the truth is
bring them out of it or not and they still lived it. she said that
for us it is the more painful way, but also more honest way. Instead I
am just to sit with that member in her pain, in her place wherever she
is, as she relives it.

Mentioned Anne- how she is still upset about the milk and troy, how
she has oral memories. Carolyn said it is ok for anne to not talk
about it but if she wants to that is okay too. She said something
else but I don’t recall what it was.

Talked a lot about Melanie and Melody and the cleaning up throw up
memory. How that relates to the dream I had awhile back with killing
the guy.

We felt drained all day, very tired. Took a nap when T finally did and
feeling a bit better now, still drained though.


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Since figuring out how to blog from my phone- I am doing so much more.
It is nice and I’m glad I kept these two blogs.

Saturday was our 11th anniversary. Our sis-in-law kept Troy overnight
for us. We to Cheesecake Factory. We had to wait for an hour to eat
but didn’t mind at all. It was just nice to not feel rushed for any
reason. We had cheesecake for dessert which is special for us as that
was our wedding cake.

Speaking of anniversaries our grandparents celebrate their 64th
tomorrow. Yup you read that right 64 years!

We are enjoying the gym a great deal. We feel healthier, get away from
Troy, and out of the house all at once. What could be greater?

We plan to go shopping on friday with our birthday money ( birthday is
thurs). We need clothes bably, as nothing fits us!) How exciting. Yet
we don’t want to get too many clothes as we are still changing sizes.


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Rough day


We are having a rough day. Troy is feeimself some now. It makes such
a horrid mess. All over him, the table, the floor. We know it is
normal and yet it really grosses us out. Yesterday it made us sick.

Also his milk. He won’t take a bottle anymore so he uses a sippy cup.
He gets milk everywhere and always smells like sour milk to me. The
entire house does as do I. Only think is that I am the only one who
smells it. Its really upseetting me though.

I think it is triggering a new memory or something. Kim said I have
been mentioning it a lot, and she doesn’t smell it.


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License test and weight


The body is really tired, so are we. It is so easy to not realize how
tired it is. I think that is a human thing, not just a multiple thing.

We have been going to the gym. Our current goal is to go 3-4 times a
week. It feels good to go, makes us feel healthier though I’m not
sure we can be any healthier yet. We lost another pound this week.
We are close to our prepregnancy weight. We still want to loose a
fair amount but we aren’t thinking about that. Its too overwhelming.
We are setting small goals and that is working. We are almost to 15
pounds lost at which time we will treat ourselves to a haircut.

Troy tried to pull himself along the chair while standing today. He is
going to be walking way before he turns one. He is doing great. I
can’t imagine life without him, even though some days/moments are a

We scheduled our license test finally!!! We take our drivers test
october 29 at 930 am. We are nervous as this is difficult for us to
do. We had our license for awhile but then didn’t drive for awhile
and lost it. Actually nathan is the reason we have to re take the
test. Still makes us mad to think about. He had no right to let our
license expire and not tell us. Can’t wait to have our license again.
We are nervous about the manueverability part. It is something you
don’t do in everyday driving.

Carolyn said to remember that the worst is we fail the test and re
take it. That would be embarrassing and an inconvenience but not a
HUGE deal.


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Therapy-the mother


They are talking about the mother a lot in therapy. I don’t think it
is a good idea. She will find out and then be angry.

They tell Carolyn all about her. About the things she did and said.
Carolyn says she will never say sorry, never owe it. I don’t even
know if she did anything wrong.

I don’t want to get into trouble with her. I get very upset when she
gets mad at me.

It is not okay to be mad at her or anything like that. Don’t rock the
boat. Just do what she says.

I feel very panicky. I am sick in my tummy and my brain hurts too. I
am just really upset about it.

The mother always said that I was too young to have headaches. Also
that I was too young for my feet to hurt. Bathan said tonite that the
body has an actual foot problem. That made me cry.

I am tired.

Petunia Buckets

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