I cut. I did it. It was too much. Too much stress and whining and
crying and snot and milk. Calling it Troy juice doesn’t make it not
milk. Milk everywhere. It was a bad day. We are sick, troy is sick.
Nathan is working overtime. Those aren’t excuses though. I got angry.
I cut as a way to deal with anger. As a way to expel that anger. Was
it the best way? No. Was it better than yelling at troy? Yes I think
it was.

Please don’t tell me that I shouldn’t have cut. That I have a baby now
and can’t do that. I know all those things already.

While I am confessing………. At some point we stopped taking our
celexa. The depression came back. How horrible is it to fantasize
about giving your 8 month old baby for adoption? I could give lots of
reasons why we didn’t take it, truth is, I thought we should be over
the ppd by now- he is 8 months old. I thought we could just deal with
any depression that was left. I was wrong.


online journal <>


One response »

  1. I can understand your desire to not rely on medication and I don't think it's at all horrible for you to have fantasized about giving your child up for adoption. That's called a normal response to stress and with your husband working overtime, the burden of responsibility in the home has fallen on your shoulders.It isn't easy. Try to remember, when you can, that each stage of development comes with good and bad things. An infant cuddles and coos but there are middle of the night feedings and the constant need for attention when the child is awake. As toddlers they begin to interact with the world, giggle and smile, and then make messes and throw tantrums. In that sense, it never ends–there's always some good, some bad. It's like all relationships. Some parts are wonderful and other parts you could probably live without with everyone you know. Sometimes I'm not even sure I can live with myself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s