Monthly Archives: November 2010



Recently at therapy, Carolyn mentioned that we would benefit from
theraputic massage, as a way to help work some of the trauma out.
Unfortunately with money being so tight, I have to forego that.

Got me thinkin about reiki though. It helped last time. This
shooting pain down our leg is really hurting. We are hesitant about
the doctor as how do we know it is now pain.

I think we will contact S and see if she can do it again.


online journal <>


34 goals for 34 years


I am going to copy what Walks did. The bodies birthday was last month.
-tell more of our story to Carolyn. At least 5 memories
-talk about ‘hell week’ at least once
-take a quilting class
-find a job-nothing big just a few hours a week.
-add a second dog
-finish painting hall and ceilings
-repaint bedroom and kitchen
-loose all of or most of remaining 40 lbs
-continue to go to gym
-work up to adding a day of cardio
-make one local friend
-take up carpet and refinish rest of floors-wood is already underneath
-read at least a book a week
– make a scrapbook of at least 1 page a month for T’s first year
-see nana and pap
-do art collages that don’t have to do with healing or memories
-finish 2 quilts
– practice freemotion quilting
– find new homes for 10 stuffies
-finish mistress of wolves
– get 1/4 done with japanese garden
-grow some veggies in spring/summer
-take one exercise class- or something non-quilt related
-do 3 small cross-stitches
-do 5 sewing projects that are not quilting
-learn to use a circular saw- then use it for something
-orgaize printed recipes
-organize recipes online
-say no 3 times when I feel pressured to do what I don’t want to do
-take pictures of nature not just of troy
-read 3 non fiction books
-keep up with our dream journal
-learn to do one thing I don’t know how to do

online journal <>

What is on my mind-mid week


A collection of thoughts written in the hopes of getting some sleep…………

– how dare mike join the gym I go to? Then act like I am the one who
did him wrong. He walked out on nathan his best friend, leaving us
with a rental agreement and bills to pay. All these years later it
still pisses me off.

-why does it seem like some people just can’t be willing to do
different? It is judgemental perhaps to say that, took us a long time
to be ready to talk and that is only about somethings. What bothers
me is the contstant reason to not choose different. Its ok to not be
ready- and its ok to say that.

-Why is it troy wakes up seemingly terrified. Is it simple nightmares
or is he possibly picking up on the spiritual activity in the house

-im down another pound. That is a total of 58 since troy was born.

-why can the mother support us in loosing weight but not in healing?

-why does Leesa want to merge? Why does any system meber want to merge.

-why has getting our license changed things so much? Suddenly we feel
adult, we feel like adults, in control, in charge of our lives again.
The mother looses power as we feel like adults.

– as I filled out a seasonal job application today. It occured to me –
have no personal references that aren’t family. how do I get around
that? What does that mean for finding a few hour a week job?

– why are we still unsure about facing the camping memories? When it
has cost us a weekend away?

-why are we nervous about watching our youngest neice and nephew this
weekend. We will make decent money that we need, and we are around
them often.

Why has all our journaling lately been typing on this phone? Why
can’t we use our hand written journal or the computer one? Why the

online journal <>

Cold air refreshing


Just was outside with Coney while she went potty. The air was chilly
yet not cold, so refreshing, so freeing…. So. Invigorating.

As I came in I realized the warm air was stifling, dangerous, full of
wait and wonder as to what happens next.

I long to open the window just a crack, but the heat is on so I can’t.
I hate stagnant air. I run a fan year round. And now I wonder why,
as it occurs me there is a reason oh yes, a reason I don’t want to
think about, ever. …. Nor do I want avoiding it to control me.

I was going to say the cold air is safe, the fresh air is safe, and
yet I hear someone inside saying “no its not, it really isn’t”. And
so I can’t say that.

Feeling increasingly panicky as I write this. Perhaps that is enough for now.


online journal <>



Pills leave me feeling warm, fussy, empty, devoid of thought, memory,
emotions. Just there- just being, breathing, staring.

Pills don’t give me a hangover, may me puke, or get a dui (never had that).

Pills are easy to take, quick, tasteless.

Pills help me sleep- alcohol makes the room and my bed spin.

Pills are harder to get, alcohol is easy and cheap. Pills keep me
safer as there isn’t an endless supply.

online journal <>

Therapy- telling


Therapy tonite. We are going to see how it goes having it on thursday
instead of saturday. see if that helps with the migraines.

We talked ab out how the mother refuses to tell us about that memory
of being in the therapist office when young. Really what it boils
down to is this. Her refusal to help when we ask for it. We haven’t
asked for her help much in this process. She has shown no interest in
helping. Yet she refuses to do this when we ask. Its our body, our
lives and she has this piece of it, this knowledge that she won’t give
to us. Its really her refusal to help that is huge not so much
whatever the reason we went.

The entire family both sides is all big on secret keeping. Don’t talk
about it or tell…… It is really both sides as well, nana was like
that as well. Just how she was raied. It was how things were back
then. But I’m not doing that. I won’t live with those secrets. I won’t
keep them. I won’t raise troy that way.

And so for that reason and for our own beneift to tell it and let it
go… We will tell our story to carolyn. We talked about the worry as
it isn’t in any neat chronological order, but that doesn’t matter she
said, it doesn’t have to be. What matters is saying it, sharing it,
taking the power back.

We feel tired and drained tonite. Scared too. Scared about telling
our story. Scared about them not approving. Finally know them is the
family. All of them both sides. And they wouldn’t approve but I’m not
telling them, not to mention they don’t have to approve.

online journal <>



Todays daily OM is about retreats, specifically about giving yourself
wholly to the process and allowing yourself time to experience it

I have never before been on a retreat though the idea of one now
piques my interest. I’m not sure what kind of retreat. Something that
would just call to me I guess. Something healing related? I think
when the time is right more will fall into place.

What retreats have you been to??

online journal <>