Monthly Archives: February 2011

I did it


Today in therapy I took a huge step. For the first time we shared a memory. Although we have shared small bits with Carolyn before today, this was the first time we shared a memory in more than just a this happened sort of way. 

It was really difficult to do but I’m proud of me.  Carolyn didnt say I am a liar or gross or anything like that. She was supportive. 

I feel very tired emotionally and physically though not sleep tired. More a worn out tired. I feel scared to sleep, scared I will have nightmares. Scared the grandfather will come back in them or just come back period (he’s been dead nearly 20 years). 





Having a rough time.  I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise- it is that time of year for us. I dunno though. Guess we want to not do this every year we don’t want Troy to deal with this every year.

Yet at the same time- we don’t know if we can care for him and work on memories too.

For most of our lives we thought it went from february right to may.

We are trying so hard to stop the SI. We don’t want Troy to grow up with a mom who does that. Yet sometimes there is nothing else that helps.  But we try so hard. is that enough? Carolyn says it is.

Not enough


It is our every intention to get here more. About a year ago, the computer journal we use can out with a new version. We finally bought it last week.  It enables us to journal and post that here.  We will use it more, no really.

A lot to say and yet nothing.  




I Know A Lot Of People Don’t Believe
Borrow from:

I know that a lot of people don’t believe in multiple personalities. I find that interesting. I’d rather not believe in it myself 😉 However, given that I live with a group of people in my head who insist they are real, and who take control of my body on a regular basis, I’m trying to learn to accept the fact that they’re real, and have been real since I was about 6 years old.
I’ve wrestled a lot of long, lonely, difficult hours with this.
They’re not imaginary.
They’re not because I’m malingering.
They’re not because I’m well-read about DID.
They’re not there because I’ve seen movies.
They’re not there to get me out of anything.
They’re not there because its “convenient.”
They’re not made up.
They’re not invented so I can stay in therapy longer, or to get attention, or to be cool, or anything like that.
You know why they’re there?
Because stuff happened that my own mind couldn’t handle.
And maybe because I was a little too creative, a little too smart, a LOT too sensitive, a lot too afraid, and subjected to a lot of stuff over and over and over again that I couldn’t face alone.
And you know what the truth is about having this?
It sucks sometimes.
I’ve lost friends.
I’ve lost support.
I have to take responsibility for things that I didn’t even know I did.
I have to fix mistakes that I dont remember making.
I forget things all the time.
Don’t even think about asking me what time it is 😛
I can’t remember my wedding, or college.
Its inconvenient.
Its a pain in the butt.
Its terrifying.
Its about flashbacks and pain and loneliness and fear. And having people you might not even like take up residence inside your head. Imagine taking 9 or 10 (and in some cases, many more) people from different walks of life, with completely different personalities and histories and likes and dislikes, and putting them all in a verysmallroomforaverylongtimetogether and see what develops.
Don’t forget to add in various mental illnesses for a few of them. And a couple of them are just like your abusers, who you’re terrified of or people you can’t stand. Tell them to share this space for and endless amount of time, add one therapist standing outside the door of room who can see inside through a very small window, shake the room up, and enjoy.

Parental divorce linked to suicidal thoughts


Parental Divorce Linked to Suicidal Thoughts

ScienceDaily (Jan. 26, 2011) — Adult children of divorce are more likely to have seriously considered suicide than their peers from intact families, suggests new research from the University of Toronto

In a paper published online in the journal Psychiatry Research, investigators examined gender specific differences among a sample of 6,647 adults, of whom 695 had experienced parental divorce before the age of 18. The study found that men from divorced families had more than three times the odds of suicidal ideation in comparison to men whose parents had not divorced. Adult daughters of divorce had 83 per cent higher odds of suicidal ideation than their female peers who had not experienced parental divorce.
The link between divorce and suicidal ideation was particularly strong in families where childhood stressors like parental addiction, physical abuse, and parental unemployment also occurred. For women who had not experienced these adverse childhood experiences, the association between parental divorce and suicidal ideation was no longer significant. However, even in the absence of these childhood stressors, men who had experienced parental divorce had twice the odds of having seriously considered suicide at some point in their life compared to men from intact families.
“This study suggests that the pathways linking parental divorce to suicidal ideation are different for men and women. The association between parental divorce and suicidal thoughts in men was unexpectedly strong, even when we adjusted for other childhood and adult stressors, socioeconomic status, depression and anxiety,”says lead author Esme Fuller-Thomson, Sandra Rotman Chair at U of T’s Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work and Department of Family and Community Medicine. “Females whose parents had divorced were not particularly vulnerable to suicidal ideation if they were not also exposed to childhood physical abuse and/or parental addictions.”
Explanations for why men might be more negatively impacted by parental divorce are varied. However, researchers believe it could be due to the absence of close contact with a father which may occur post-divorce. Previous studies have linked the loss of father-figures with adverse developmental outcomes in boys. “It may be that the link between parental divorce and suicidal ideation in men is mediated through factors we cannot control for in our analyses such as childhood poverty or parental depression, both of which are more prevalent in divorced families,”says U of T masters graduate and study co-author Angela Dalton.
Fuller-Thomson cautions that “these findings are not meant to panic divorced parents. Our data in no way suggest that children of divorce are destined to become suicidal.”
Researcher’s note that the findings need to be confirmed by others using prospective data before any public health recommendations can be made. However, if confirmed, they would have significant clinical implications for professionals working with families experiencing parental divorce.



Something in the journal group got my attention recently. I don’t remember what the topic was. Only that this person remarked about how we did collages. What I got from that was that collaging is how we speak. I remember now. We had commented on a topic about English. Specifically how our writing ability isn’t great. Our grammar I mean. Anyways- collages. That is really how we speak. Sometimes they even have words in them. Mostly they are pictures. They are for us only. We don’t do them for others. I think that is a difference for us worth noting. When we write, unless it is in our journal, it is almost always written with readers in mind. What will they say, or think, ec. That is what is in my mind. It makes it really hard to concentrate on my thought, on my point, on my writing.

With collaging though? I loose myself. I just get so into the process that everything else just falls away. I don’t really even think much when I do it. I just do it. Whether it be online or on paper, or both. It just comes together. Sometimes they take an hour, sometimes days, weeks, even months. One collage we have been working on for nearly a year. We know it isn’t complete yet, but don’t yet know what it needs. When the time is right it will be finished.

Is that how it is with people and writing? Do some pieces take months, years, weeks to finish?

Anyone who is curious can see many of our collages on our journal. The link is to our main journal below. If you are a survivor of abuse, the images may trigger you. If you self injure the images may trigger you.

I think what I got from this is that I have to listen to us. When the urge to collage hits, we should. Maybe we should try to make time every week or something.

I’m reminded of something that someone else in the journal group said. Or maybe it was just what I heard. Anyways all of our collages are about our past, our abuse. A lot of them are about memories or feelings. But what if they don’t have to all be about that? What if some of them could just be about something else? About what is going on? Or even a response to a journal prompt? I’m not sure if that will work for us. It is something that I want to try. Or maybe it doesn’t matter what they are about.