Monthly Archives: March 2011

raw

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Feeling raw.  Feeling spacey.  And yet. We are determined to stick with the feelings on this- determined to not space it out dissociate it away.  To remember this info.

Carolyn told us that massage would likely set loose some memories. She was right.

We remember when we first started with the memories. We have come so far. So very far, and that deserves our recognition.  There was a time when a memory return would set us unable to function for quite awhile, we’d drink, take drugs, cut….

Now though we try to just sit with it, to allow it, to talk about it. Even to put it away when we have to so we can function. 

And so we sit and we feel raw, and we don’t cut or burn, or drink.  We take our prescribed amount of sleeping med, and try to settle down and sleep.

There is more info in this.  I can see us hiding, crouched,  being as small as possible. And wonder if that figures into the phantom pains we get and even the nerve pain we currently have.   We are so thankful for the chiro, and the massage therapist, and the TENS unit. We had a pain free day for the first time in well in we can’t remember how long.  Turns out we have always been in pain. (ahh the wonders of dissociation.)

Meagan

sick

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can’t think where to post- so putting it here, move it if it needs to be.

sick. Feel sick. raw, fear.

images- hes after me, looking for me. hunting me.
I’m the food, he’s the prey. The lesser, the submissive.

I’m the object of his hunt, his lust, his need.

I hide- try to not breath
to not make a sound
to dissappear into the wood

I know i can’t out run him
can’t escape
can’t prevent it

so i hide and bide my time
wait for him to find me

he says it angers him to look for me, he sings nursery rhymes i can hear him. tat cup da gwen cup wif te in it he got it an he lukin an singin
an singin

an i hiyd
an i as god tayk me
sab me
hep me

an mi tume sik
an im sik
an firste
an gotsa pote
an stil i don mub

Moving on

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I’ve been pondering holocaust survivors and how they move on, what that looks like. I think it was homework last week, or at some week when I went anyways. I think they don’t define themselves based on being holocaust victims or survivors even. They find something else to define themselves. Or maybe not just one thing.  Perhaps I think that is missing for us, for me. I can’t speak for the others here in that.  I have all these labels-  wife, mother, survivor, even victim (though I am working to remove that label)  yet in all of those things, there is nothing that is just me.  Nothing that doesn’t involve the demands others place upon me.   I need something………. a paying job, volunteer work, school? I don’t know what exactly, but something. Something more. Something where I am none of those previously mentioned things. Something where I am just a person, just me, just us? I’m not sure that part of it matters.

There are other things there too.  Fears? Things holding me back.

Foremost is the thought, the idea- planted by the mother, that if I don’t work… no- don’t bring home a PAYCHECK then I am less than……… That I have to bring home money to have worth.  That makes me……  feel as though I have to get a job.  Why should I let what she said, what she taught me be true? Just because she made it seem that was the only choice does NOT make it so.   I can and DO choose to dismiss that. To rid myself of that limiting view. Truth is that a paycheck while nice, oh yes it is very nice, is NOT the only reason to do something. Not the only way to find something that is mine.  And maybe even a paycheck makes it somehow less.   Is it really giving back? Is it really giving if I get paid?  Or is it more special, more significant to me if I volunteer? If I give my time free?  Really that is what it is isn’t it? Giving away my time. Time as we know is so precious to us, to me. It is here and gone in a flash. It is still this concept that makes little sense, yet I am forced to live with it, live IN it.

A few things come to mind.  Petsmart had a hiring sign out. I could work with animals and get paid.  Animal shelters always need volunteers (would have to be sure it is a no kill shelter first) .  There is the idea to find an online course or so and go back to school Perhaps earn a degree in library science or vet tech.   Those are just ideas. Maybe it doesn’t even matter what it is, but just something.

Im aware that we lost our 20’s.  That time when many people get careers, all of that, we didn’t do. We were busy healing. And that is what we needed, that isn’t what I mean. I’m angry that we lost all those years. 10 years, a decade. Nor do I want to get caught in that anger. Can I use it for good? Use it to somehow benefit? To something?????   I’m aware that it is what it is. Those years are gone, nothing will bring them back.  In fact they were what we needed at the time. We wouldn’t change them. Yet….. I wish…….. How that holds me back? I’m not sure- yet it figures in somewhere as I wrote it here.

I hold me back- better put– fear of not being ‘healed’ enough. Not being ‘well enough’ to work to volunteer, to be in the world without the buffer of Troy or Nathan.  The what-ifs— That really there is no way to dismiss it. No way to make it go away. It’s simply a “feel the fear and do it anyways” Put another way- courage.  Courage to try. Courage to be willing to fail, willing also to succeed. Yes there is fear in success.

I finished a book recommended by Mary on the journal group- about exorcisms,exorcists, and evil.  I really enjoyed it. Maybe that isn’t the right term.  I found it a good read. I learned. It was hard to read as well. It was dark, it made me aware of evil, (not that I wasn’t before)  I have thoughts on the book.  Stuff I want to write down, to ‘talk’ out yet I need time to process it before I write it. Time to sit with it.

Meagan

VENEGANCE VS JUSTICE

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9:56:10 pm

VENEGANCE VS. JUSTICE. I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT THE WORDS MEAN.

VENGEANCE- OXFORD DICTIONARY
punishment inflicted or retribution exacted for an injury or wrong.

PUNISHMENT- OXFORD DICTIONARY
the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense: ()

PENALTY-
a disadvantage or unpleasant experience suffered as the result of an action or circumstance:
(http://oxforddictionaries.com/view/entry/m_en_us1276620#m_en_us1276620)

RETRIBUTION-
punishment that is considered to be morally right and fully deserved:
(http://oxforddictionaries.com/view/entry/m_en_us1284685#m_en_us1284685)

JUSTICE-
just behavior or treatment:
the quality of being fair and reasonable: ()
(http://oxforddictionaries.com/view/entry/m_en_us1260353?rskey=toXQSg&result=1#m_en_us1260353)

SO HOW DOES THAT HELP??? MIMI SAYS VENEGEANCE IS WANTING SOMEONE TO PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID TO YOU EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW THAT IT IS MORALLY WRONG TO DO SO.

I DO WANT THE ABUSERS TO SUFFER PUNISHMENT. I WANT THEM TO PAY FOR IT. WHAT I ASK IS MORALLY RIGHT? WHAT IS THE PROPER PUNISHMENT FOR TORTURING A CHILD? ?

BUT THEN I’M NOT SURE I WANT WHAT IS MORALLY RIGHT. WHAT I REALLY WANT IS TO DO WHAT WAS DONE TO ME. AND YET— IF IT CAME TO THAT COULD I DO THAT? COULD I DO THAT KNOWING IT WOULD MAKE ME LIKE THEM? SO THEN MAYBE THAT ISN’T WHAT I WANT.

THEN I TRY TO THINK ABOUT IT IN TERMS OF RELIGON. SUCH A HUGE CAN OF WORMS FOR US. YET I’M CURIOUS. IN THAT FRAME OF THINKING I CAN’T ANSWER. I SIMPLY DON’T KNOW. I’M GUESSING IT WOULD BE A LET GOD TYPE THING. BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY? WHERE IS MY PROOF THAT HE PAID FOR IT?

EVEN IF I BELIEVE IN HELL- BELIEVE THAT HE WENT THERE- AND IS SUFFERING.. THAT IS HELPFUL BUT TO A POINT. I THINK ABOUT EVERYDAY LIFE- HOW WE HAVE WORKED SO DAMN HARD, SUFFERED SO MUCH TO GET WHERE WE ARE AND I’M REALLY ANGRY THAT THE ABUSERS DIDN’T HAVE ANY OF THAT. WHEN THEY WERE IN LIFE ON THIS PLANE THEY DIDN’T HAVE THAT SUFFERING WE HAD/HAVE. AND THAT I GUESS IS MY ISSUE. YET THERE IS NO WAY TO CHANGE THAT.

SHARYN

(http://oxforddictionaries.com/view/entry/m_en_us1281852#m_en_us1281852)
(http://oxforddictionaries.com/view/entry/m_en_us1281852#m_en_us1281852)

lost all meaning, exhausted

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Life is lost meaning to us. What is the point, the purpose. Why work so hard, try so hard to heal?  The struggle the pain is neverending at this moment. Hope happiness where has it gone?

I want to sit all day just stare at the tv, the wall. I want to sleep life away. I’m not interested in hobbies. Not interested in the gym or in the groups we are in online. I feel different than. Excluded. Like I don’t fit in anywhere.

Why is it we feel compelled to talk abiut memories in therapy.  Compelled to share them? Why can’t we just move on just put it behind us?

Therapy is so draining. So exhausting I’m annoyed it angered by it.