As you know last week, Meagan shared part of a memory. It’s been a rough week for us, in different ways as it has been for her. We are having flashbacks, images of her memory. Images moreso than actual flashbacks. It’s really hard for us. This is still fairly new, for memories others have to be shared among the system. It is like everything else, just how it seems to be happening, not something that we made a decision to do. In fact it is something we swore we would NEVER do. Life is what happens while making other plans. It’s so difficult to explain how it is hard to get memories of something that happened to another. Hard to even find something to say to attempt it to make sense. Maybe it is something you had to be there for. It’s like finding out you are adopted after a lifetime of not knowing.. It’s earth shattering. I’m not sure we will share the memory here or not. I guess we still feel that is Meagans decision not ours, it’s part of her story.
I’m not totally sure how Meagan feels. She never says how she really feels, always acts fine. I know she has been cleaning a lot which she does when stressed or upset. I know too there is that fear because she told.
There is more though… There is Sharyn. She’s a protector. Angry, grumpy, abrupt. She keeps the physical pain from the body. We or she wrote more about that once on a blog but it may have been another. Eventually we will get all those posts here. At any rate………… she holds all the physical pain from all the abuse. I can’t even fathom what that is. What that actually means. She is I don’t know. Around more. In pain more. Nathan says that she is feeling more pain since the rest of us are thinking about and talking more to Carolyn. Rumor is that she is going to talk to Carolyn tomorrow. Truth is?? We don’t want her too. We don’t want to feel the pain, what if she doesn’t want to keep it anymore? Even more scary what if she starts to struggle??? For some reason when protectors, those strongest in a vocal way in the system struggle we get really scared and yes suicidal.
Know what i’d like a drink. But i won’t. Why? Because I want one not to relax but to forget, to get drunk, and that is where trouble starts for some of us. Drinking that’s another post for another day.