Monthly Archives: April 2011

Update- 34 goals for 34 years


*this is a repost of an entry written in November I copied the idea from Walks.

-Tell Carolyn at least 5 memories
-talk about ‘hell week’ at least once-spending lots of time talking about it- april,may
-take a quilting class
-take steps to get a job or go back to school-got a job cutting Bakers’ grass- 30 everytime I cut it yay.
-add a second dog
painting hall and ceilings
-repaint bedroom and kitchen
-loose all of or most of remaining 40 lbs
-continue to go to gym
-work up to adding a day of cardio
-make one local friend
-take up carpet and refinish rest of floors-wood is already underneath
-read at least a book a week
– make a scrapbook of at least 1 page a month for T’s first year
-see nana and pap
-do art collages that don’t have to do with healing or memories
-finish 2 quilts
– practice freemotion quilting
– find new homes for 10 stuffies
-finish mistress of wolves
– get 1/4 done with japanese garden
-grow some veggies in spring/summer
-take one exercise class- or something non-quilt related
-do 3 small cross-stitches
-do 5 sewing projects that are not quilting
-learn to use a circular saw- then use it for something
-orgaize printed recipes
-organize recipes online
-say no 3 times when I feel pressured to do what I don’t want to do
-take pictures of nature not just of troy
-read 3 non fiction books
-keep up with our dream journal
-learn to do one thing I don’t know how to do


meditation helps cope with unfairness?


Meditation May Help Us Cope with Unfairness
By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on April 21, 2011

Meditation May Help us Cope with UnfairnessMost individuals often make irrational decisions, particularly when it comes to money. But decades of study suggest one group of individuals consistently scores higher in making rational decisions — Buddhist meditators.

A new study uses neuroimaging to study brain activity when an individual is confronted with a monetary choice that may seem unfair, and finds Buddhist meditators use different areas of the brain than others when confronted with unfair choices, enabling them to make decisions rationally rather than emotionally.

A research team led by Dr. Read Montague, professor of physics at Virginia Tech University, hypothesized that the meditators have trained their brains to function differently and make better choices in certain situations.

Their research “highlights the clinically and socially important possibility that sustained training in mindfulness meditation may impact distinct domains of human decision making,” Montague said.

The research came about when Montague wondered whether some people are capable of ignoring the social consideration of fairness and can appreciate a reward based on its intrinsic qualities alone. “That is,” he said, “can they uncouple emotional reaction from their actual behavior?”

Researchers recruited 26 Buddhist meditators and 40 control subjects and looked at their brain processes using functional MRI (fMRI) while the subjects played the “ultimatum game,” in which the first player proposes how to divide a sum of money and the second can accept or reject the proposal.

The researchers hypothesized that “successful regulation of negative emotional reactions would lead to increased acceptance rates of unfair offers” by the meditators. The behavioral results confirmed the hypothesis.

But the neuroimaging results showed that Buddhist meditators engaged different parts of the brain than expected. Researchers found Buddhist meditators were able to shunt brain activity from an area of the brain linked to the emotion of disgust, rejection, betrayal and mistrust to a brain area that monitors their inner body feelings.

Apparently the Buddhist meditators were able to avoid emotions associated with unfairness and focus on acceptance and thankfulness for whatever reward they did receive.

As noted by the researchers, “This study suggests that the trick may lie not in rational calculation, but in steering away from what-if scenarios, and concentrating on the interoceptive qualities that accompany any reward, no matter how small.”

Source: Virginia Tech



Feeling better today. Turned on the mp3 player last night, affectionately called 3cpo. Took sleeping med, and went to bed.

Woke up today feeling much better.  Going to cut cable but not internet. Will drop internet down to lowest we can. Which will save a lot. Keep it that way until we get bills caught up, then reassess. 

People we talked to are right.  It isn’t worth our stress to be without our support place. Plus we won’t be able to print coupons without internet. Although we can use the library to do so, it costs per page to print, cheaper to just keep internet.

Also recognizing that sleep will be hard this time of year for us. No sense pushing ourselves to stay in bed and try to sleep. Will get up and do something.  Journal, email, chat, cross-stitch, read, art.  Forcing ourselves to sleep never works.

Starting list of things to talk to Carolyn about as well. That way we don’t have to worry about forgeting when we get there every week. 

Feeling good to brainstorm ideas to help ourselves instead of just complaining. 

internet and easter


Money is so tight we were/are planning to get rid of internet for awhile. Cable is definitely going.  We were sort of okay about it today- convinced ourselves. BUt now we are a mess.

We go to a forum- for DID people. We help run it actually but it really is a huge support for us. And we don’t know if we can give it up.  We are having an issue getting our phone internet to work with the site, and now we wonder if it is even a good idea to try to give up internet. Maybe it isn’t the same as nathan giving up cable? Maybe it is okay for us to need this? We can still drop internet down lowest and cheapest we can.  We could still pay off bills with the money saved from dropping down and cable but wouldn’t be as fast, but maybe that doesn’t matter how fast it is.  maybe staying sane is more important? We don’t know. Have to talk to Carolyn about it saturday we think. 

it’s now 2 weeks til easter and it has hit us. we are really struggling. Hard to admit to say that.  People celebrate spring and jesus this time of year and we can’t.  maybe that sounds not possible but it is where we are.   We spent the weeks around easter being tortured. Literally tortured………….   Want some examples?  Some ways.  read carefully you are about to get some.

Tied down to a bed spread eagle and left and tickled til we peed and then in troulbe cuz we peed

Forced to stand on tippy toes for hours

‘hunted’ he would chase us through the forest around his hunting cabin

tied and ants crawled all over us

locked in a box

we write that and suddenly doesn’t seem that bad. Like we should erase that it was torture, that isn’t torture is it. Therapist says it is.  We think maybe it isn’t just ‘strange stuff’. 

This post made no sense. sorry

upate- someone online suggested listening to music. Billy Joel is what we are listening to- it is helping, immensely

A resolution finally


For months we have been wondering what would happen with insurance and therapy.

Today we finally got a resolution. Carolyn will keep seeing us for the same amount we paid before insurance changed.  That is such a relief. We were terrified that we wouldn’t be able to keep seeing her.

That she would decide we weren’t worth taking less money for.  It took 3 months for insurance crap to be worked out, that is ridiculous.

And she gets paid more with our out-of network rate, that what our in network rate was with the old insurance. 

She won’t make us pay the deductible either. Says that the insurance doesn’t have to cover that 800$ but that it is up to her and only her if she makes us pay that.

What a load of stress of our backs.

We worked very hard to just let the situation happen and not stress about it too much. We know stressing doesn’t change anything. 

April showers bring may flowers


“April showers bring May flowers.” is an old proverb that illustrates how often the seemingly negative things can have positive outcomes. When has this been true for you in the past? Were you aware of potential benefits when you were actually in the midst of the rainstorm?

Most of our past is an example of this.  Most recent- Troy.  There was such joy at pregnancy, followed by a horrid reality crash of what parenthood was like. The depression was horrid. Those first 4 or so, 6 really months of his life were a blur for us of just getting through.  When we really felt negative. Really felt terrible. Now though- we see him and are so proud. Also there is proudness for us. Proudness that we got through it. Proudness that we did it. 

Of course the big thing of course is the abuse, the healing work we have done so far.  It is a huge one. It was a negative thing to say the least.  And healing wasn’t a picnic. Isn’t a picnic. It is incredibly difficult and painful. But the positives??  They are huge as well.  No drinking, being able to stand up for ourselves, not getting stuck as much in flashbacks, working on talking, sharing, asking for help. And the list goes on.  It really makes all the hard work worth it.  

While in that place of black healing we were not at all aware of potential benefits. All we could see is pain.