Monthly Archives: May 2011



There is something profound about this.  It is the hard truth.  The hard reality.   The truth is that it is often easier to have an excuse. Easier to not find a way, easier to stay with whatever it is. Easier to not try.

Truth is that if we really want something we will find a way. And that is true. There are countless things that we simple refused to accept anything other than what we wanted- anything but finding a way, and we did find a way.

There are also many occasions when there is always an excuse. Always some reason why we can’t.. Truth is that we are what is standing in our way.  Truth is that change can be scary. Admitting that we want to continue to cut. Admitting that we don’t want to give that up is harder than saying- others inside won’t, or it is addictive.

Truth is that it is easier to say that the abuse kept us living in the past. And we honestly believed that for many years. But the truth? The truth was that we kept us living in the past. By not facing things, by not allowing memories to come out.

I think this is easier to see in other people than in ourselves. We all know those people who act like they want advice, want to change, but then there is always a reason why they can’t.   Perhaps I was one for awhile.  I’m not now- we aren’t now. We are trying to face the truths. If we don’t face them we can’t continue to move forward.


inspiration quotes and thoughts


This is sucha  beautiful and important reminder. Society it seems pushes us to compete against each other.  Just look at the popularity of sports. It exists everywhere- schools, work, everywhere.

This reminds us that we compete only against ourselves. Society though pushes us, convinces us that it is better to compete. That is the way to greatness, the answer if you will.

Only it leaves ones feeling less than. Feeling that we don’t stack up. That we can’t compare.  Know what? We can’t. We can’t compare to anyone else. We aren’t anyone else. Nobody else is like us.  Noone else is exactly like us (identical twins excluded) so of course nobody reacts to anything like we do.

I see people walking down the street, and I start to think- they are walking faster, they are thinner, they are blah blah blah..It is so easy to get lost in that train of thought.

But what about this……..  They may be walking faster but I am walking faster than I did when I started- A 21 minute mile while pushing a 25 pound baby and a who knows how heavy stroller.  It used to take me 35 minutes to walk a mile. Wow- what huge progress.

Or what about this– who cares how fast that person walks. I am walking, and that is all that matters.  I am not competing with her, or anyone. It isn’t a contest. It is fitness, it is health. It is for me.  For us. 

Brain mapping in a case of multiple personality


Brain mapping in a case of multiple personality.
 Hughes JR, Kuhlman DT, Fichtner CG, Gruenfeld MJ.
 Department of Neurology, University of Illinois, Chicago 60612.
 Brain maps were recorded on a patient with a multiple personality disorder (10 alternate personalities). Maps were recorded with eyes open and eyes closed during 2 different sessions, 2 months apart. Maps from each alternate personality were compared to those of the basic personality “S”, some maps were similar and some were different, especially with eyes open. Findings that were replicated in the second session showed differences from 4 personalities, especially in theta and beta 2 frequencies on the left temporal and right posterior regions. A rank ordering of the differences in the brain maps of the alternate personalities from S were similar to the rank ordering of the differences in personality characteristics, as judged by the psychiatrist dealing with this patient. Maps from S acting like some of her personalities or from a professional actress portraying the different personalities did not reveal significant differences. Some of these findings are consistent with those in the literature, and the importance of detecting artifact in the raw EEG recording is emphasized.
 Publication Types:
Case Reports
From the BBC’s “Tomorrow’s World” WEDNESDAY 15th December 1999
For the first time, a patient with multiple personality disorder has been monitored using an MRI scanner while switching characters. The scans showed marked changes taking place in her brain. Intriguingly the hippocampus, an area associated with long-term memory, switches off during the change to an alter ego and is reactivated on the switch back.
Multiple personality disorder (MPD) is a controversial area of mental health. It has been met with scepticism from some psychiatrists who feel the condition isn’t genuine. Others say that while it’s very rare, MPD is certainly real and usually stems from childhood trauma and abuse. They say the extra personalities are brought into being by the patient to protect themselves from the reality of their situation.
Carrying out tests like this has been difficult for two reasons. First, functional MRI’s which can measure brain activity are only a recent innovation, and second finding a patient who can switch personality on demand while in a scanner is very unusual. The psychiatrists involved in the experiment say more work is needed to draw any general conclusions. Nevertheless, it provides some evidence that there may be a physiological basis to the condition.
PMID: 2225470 [PubMed – indexed for MEDLINE]

Bad food day


Today was a bad food day. Went over my calories by at least 500. Sigh.  

Troy fell down part of the basement steps, onto the concrete floor. I had my head in the freezer so I didn’t see it (can you say guilt?).  Face first, large lump. He threw his head back and wailed like i’ve never heard before. I was terrified. Left the freezer door open, ran with him upstairs.  Put ice on it, comforted him………. Thought for a minute I would have to take him to the Er, but he didn’t show any signs of concussion. It was a HUGE lump and a huge sound when he hit the ground. 

I was frazzled.  Then had trouble finding healthy food for lunch.  It is near grocery shopping day so there isn’t much around health wise to eat.   I was frustrated (which lead to mac and  cheese for lunch ), then I ended up eating 3 ice cream sandwiches.  I just felt—— i dunno. Guilty, frustrated, annoyed, worried. I just wanted the feelings to go away, I was aware of them, I wanted to not be aware of them so I ate.

*note to self- isn’t that the same reasoning when engaging in Si sometimes? As well as when we drank? 

15 fears about writing


I stole this from someone else –

1. it won’t be good enough
2. i’m not good enough
3. nobody cares
4. i stink at grammar
5. i have nothing worthwhile to say
6. why would anyone want to read what I have to say
7. I only write about stuff that matters to me
8. people can’t relate to what I write about
9. my writing reminds people of things they’d rather not think about
10. i don’t have a college degree
11. writing isn’t a worthwhile thing- something mother said
12. no time to write
13. editing.
14. it is disjointed
15. everything I say is chaotic, makes no sense

My mind is blank. So i will stop here.



I am so good at procrastination. It’s always been that way. I realize now that it holds me down, weighs me down. Leaves me feeling badly about myself, about my abilities. If left long enough, I end up feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities- as I feel now.

I am choosing differently….

Instead of the usual routine- of cross-stitch during Troy’s nap and computer-DID group while Troy is playing happily in the am, I am trying to work on To-Do list items.

Today at nap I put the floss into floss bags. Finally finished that up. What a monotonous chore. I am pleased it is done. I want to make some floss tags. I have to add to my list to find out how to make them. (stops and does that now).

Tonight I did some work in the computer journal and in the blog. I finally got all our collages in the journal, and moved 2 more months blogs from 2005’s yahoo blog into the current blog. That is going to take some time, but no worries, a bit every day or so will get it done.

It feels good to have some stuff accomplished. Really good. Makes me feel worthwhile. Like I am not a failure.

***Note to self– Does that mean not getting stuff done makes me feel a failure, and if so- why?

Very confused


Very confused about this integration/merge thing. Is that what we all want? No, only some do.

But names don’t matter to most of us anymore. We are coming and going but don’t feel the need to say who it is mostly. It is comfortable. Is that bad?? What exactly is that? And why do I need a label for it? Why not just let it be.

What is to come. Where will we end up. Only time will tell that. Only time.