*I share this after some thought- THere is a reader who I know from childhood. No a good friend, So much she never knew, so much i never told her, never could,  and she knew mother.  And so there is worry, fear over sharing this.  

Honestly I’m not sure why I bothered with the ‘fancy’ coughing title. Not like this is a paper or anything. Just a free-write. I was on the massage table today. In the middle of the massage actually when I started coughing. I was embarrassed and mortified really. I did my best to hold it in, to not cough.  I promised that if the coughing quieted a bit, I would journal about coughing tonight. So here I am. 

In therapy last week at the very end of the session- Carolyn heard me coughing and remarked that that kind of cough is often called a ‘smothered’ cough. Or maybe it was smothering. Anyways she emphasized the ‘mother’ part of the word. That has been on my mind since then.   Yes the mother is smothering always has been. Not sure we realized it for a long time, in fact I’m sure we didn’t. 

Aunt becky that one summer we spent those 2 weeks with her- tried to talk to us about the mother, how she shouldn’t tell us about the divorce and all of that. We defended the mother.  Heatedly defended her.   Why did we do that??  Why defend her? Why didn’t we realize it? 

For sure her smothering is part why we moved to ohio.  To get away. It is harder to be smothered so many miles away. Not impossible but harder. Easier I suppose for us to battle it, to not let it happen. But still it is hard for some. Is the mother getting more smothering? Or are some/we feeling more smothered by her now that we talk to her every week??? Something to ponder.

Coughing- what does that word mean to us? What comes to mind– how about a list-

Calling attention to oneself
Center of attention
Look at me
Deal with me
See me
Hear me
Acknowledge me
Can’t breath
Get rid of
Throw up
Sick in stomach
Can’t stop
Out of control
Beyond control
Attention seeker
Just stop

Strange- I’m getting some words- phrases coming to mind—- seems someone told us that coughing was a way for us to seek attention,that they were too busy to see the coughing, to deal with it.  That I/we should just stop it, could just stop it if we tried hard enough

I think this cough- aside from being part of the cold- is something seeking attention. Seeking our attention, our acknowledgement.  Is that it??? What was just written above?? How could someone fake a cough?? That is obvious. Sounds nothing like a real cough and WHY why would someone do that??? 

Something was just there in my head and left just as quickly

Hot- that is what just popped in my head

When I cough, I get hot. The more I cough the harder I get and the more in turn I cough.  I think there is something in that,just not sure what.


2 responses »

  1. As usual, nothing to say except I wanted to leave a comment so you would know I am still reading along. Your word association interested me especially. You touched on some things, some word choices, that I would have mentioned as possibilities. But we need to come to these things for ourselves.

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