Monthly Archives: June 2011

Commit To sit

Standard

I’m doing Commit to sit with Satia,  starting July 1.  Anyone is welcome to join in.

I find that I am  quite excited about it.  Others are too in here I think. 

We are changing it a bit to fit out needs. We aren’t sticking strictly with meditation. We will meditate daily as that is something we need to do more, but we will also do some collaging, perhaps some walking.  

We plan to write about the experience daily.

There is other stuff going on to write about but another time. 

Sierra

Advertisements

Belonging

Standard

I’ve always felt I didn’t belong to anyone or anything. I was an outcast, even the outcasts thought I was strange I think.

I didn’t have friends until high school. Jr. High was very very long for me, until I met Penny right before 9th grade. Before Penny- I talked to, looked at noone all day. On weekends when friends did things, I went to my nana and paps house.

Lonliness is really the theme of those years, that and outcast. I drank. Vodka in drink containers.

Who does belong?? I used to think that I just had to say or do or wear the right thing, then suddenly I would belong. Now that wasn’t ever going to happen. THere is no right thing, no right word.

I am different I am a we, I suffered abuse bad enough to cause splits in my mind. And yes abuse is subjective….. Still it was bad enough for me. That makes my life different than all others. I was different, thus how I felt. I got used to it I guess.

Maybe I even loved that being different for awhile. I was abused- i’m different than you, special.

But now?? I will always be abused, No I will always carry that with me, But it won’t be a visible part of me, won’t be what all see immediately. What then I won’der will they see. What would I want them to see? I have no idea. It’s soemthjing Im suppoosed to journal/think on for therapy. Also am to dialogue with Cheyenne. Hopefully the other thing, will come back to me.

I feel like i’ve lost my identity as the survivor/victim/healing person

and it’s good to loose that identity. It’s good to not need to wear it ALL THE TIME anymore. I keep it handy as I know I am not done with it totally.

Now Though I feel naked, raw to the world, exposed in every way. With no idea what to do or where to turn.

I have this life, hubby, child, pets. I am wife, mom, not for me though. Titles I take on for the benefit of others. What about me??? What am i for me? I am a reader and a cross-stitcher, an exerciser. Those aren’t me though are they?? Just things I like. So then what and where is me????

Thoughts anyone?

I don’t know if I have a porpose. Maybe not.