Monthly Archives: July 2011

Therapy and altoona

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We are at the library. Today was therapy day so the afternoon is ours to ourselves.  We decided to bring the computer to catch up online.  It is nice, though a bit open feeling. Paranoid everyone is reading as I write, but in reality nobody is even looking at me or near me. 

Therapy was hard today. We talked about the trip we are taking to Altoona in 3 weeks.  We are taking Troy but Nathan is not coming. We will be with the mother(yikes) for two weeks.  Helping to pack up nana and paps things, closing the house down.

We really need to do this, and as Carolyn said we are at a spot when we can do this. Not sure we could have a few months ago. 

IT was one of the few safe spaces we had when growing up (the library being the other). So it really is important to us to do this. Carolyn thought it made sense that we have to go say bye to the house- bye to the city really as we aren’t sure we will ever go back.  In essence really we have to go scoop up those good memories and bring them with us. 

Being with the mother will be hard maybe, who knows. Time will tell. Carolyn said we will set up a phone session in case we need to talk, to process or whatever. THat is great we think.

So ya altoona. Where we grew up. For a long time we couldn’t say that. Couldn’t say here the name of the city. It was fear really. fear of being found, fear of the unknown.  But no more. 

I said it was just a place, no need to fear it, but carolyn said it is more than a place. She said it is our pool of crap- our cesspool. And it is, it was a place of profound loneliness for us.  Of pain and sorrow and it isn’t easy to go back. It has only a few good memories and only a few good people.  

We aren’t sure what those two weeks will bring us, but we know we will be okay. Know we have the tools to cope.  And that matters, that is great.

 Nana and pap helped us so much. We really need to help them in this way. 

We don’t know that we will have an internet connection. The house doesn’t even have cable anymore. But there is a mc Donalds near. We will go there daily to get online.  It will be part of our self care. Carolyn reminded us how important self care will be while we are there.

Meagan

numb=dissociation

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was writing on a different place and realized we feel numb. Being it was a DID forum, they commented numb= dissociation. That is excactly how we feel.

dissociated. It’s been awhile since we’ve felt this way to this level.

Wondering if it is bad to feel this way.   First Sierra and then we learn that a  cross-stitch friend who had a heart double lung transplant 18 months ago- passed suddenly on monday.  And we wonder is that enough to warrant feeling this way? Or not feeling I guess is better way to say it.

Guess in reality  it doesn’t matter. It is what it is.  Troy’s needs are met. He is happy,  The house is taken care of.. We are functionable and dealing with this stuff best we can.  We haven’t cut or burned and that matters a lot.

We are taking our sleeping med nightly but that is okay.  We aren’t drinking either.

Sierra is gone

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Sometimes something thappens and you just don’t know how to put it into words. Just don’t know how to committ it to paper, don’t want to committ it to paper.

We don’t all know about each other or even ourselves. I think that is part of the DID experience for us.   Sierra was around for so long………… One ‘report’ said since the original died.  We’ve only begun to get information recently since sSierra began talking to Carolyn. Born under a tree.  Around a looong time, close to the first. Always been a front, no a host, the host,

We know she’s tired, exhausted, been talking of mergeing- with me meagan.  Not sure what was h0olding her up.  Thought she was doing okay, but then saturday……………….

We found out she had charged a lot on the cc that was just paid off. It is 300 away from the limit again. We weren’t sure that day what she got.  Food she said, stuff to keep the stock going since she knows the year will be tight.  She was sooo upset. In tears out here all day. Nathan said he was upset but not angry at her. In some ways I think that made it worse for her.

That night- nathan came in late told me sierra was in trouble and to go the tree inside…………..

Turns out that she wrote him some sort of text.  Gonna borrow his phone to record that here………….

I’ll put it here when I get it………Phone charging and sincie I’ve taken ambien I only have so much time before I get loopy.

Boiled down to Sierra isn’t coming back, she went in to kill herself.  She was found by someone and talken to Eaglweings where she still is.

Feeling so confused about all this.

She didn’t say bye  and that hurts.

Ya dat hert mi hart sad an no undrstan-mimi

Nathan said she didn’t want us to talk her out of it, that is why she didn’t say bye.  And we would have but no note??? Nathan got a note? She left Troy 2 stuffies, but us? We get nothing. It’s like we meant nothing to her, and that hurts.

Maybe we relyied on her too much. Maybe we let her do too muchf or us that we could have done ourselves, but it made her happy so it seemed.

We miss her, and feel like we have lost a piece, an important piece.

What she did was stupid- spending that money.   But she meant well and didn’t do it all herself. VACA was on there, a month food, clothes for us.   Still I found stuff today I know she was spending, A load of cross-stitch charts, and magazines.

I just feel sad.   Sad she is gone. So does Nathan.   If you talked to the body online you knew Sierra.  She may have thought she was worthless but she was worth a lot to us.

She is still with eaglewings. Very upset that she didn’t get to die. Adamant that she will die, wants to die, has to. She’s in bad shape.   I don’t think she’ll ever be back front.  I don’t know her fate. I hope she merges, we need her skills, but at this point she refuses.

Meagan

Commit To sit- thoughts

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I am really struggling with this. *sigh* I’m feeling angry/upset about it as well.

I had such hopes that this would be what the body has been craving.  But it somehow is not.   I guess I expected to jump in and it would go well and i’d have some insight or something.

Instead………

I can’t seem to make myself do the mid-day meditation.  I don’t know what it is. The few days I did do it- I really got a lot out of it. I felt calmer in the afternoon. So what is holding me back??? 

The evening meditation is just strange…… I end up feeling angry.  Enraged even.  I have no idea where it is coming from (or who?)  or why or what to do with it. It’s almost as though this wall of rage comes and I can’t see past it, can’t feel beyond it.  I just close down with the rage.  

In writing this I had hopes that I’d get some sort of clarification and I have.   A few actually. 

We do already meditate as we need to, we get what we need to out of it. What we need from this month is something else.   Something that we have been neglecting, or missing or something.   Journaling and art is the answer.  The missing piece.   What we need is not to meditate (we do need to explore the afternoon mediation though) but to do more journaling, more art.  

Also I am part of a group in one body. We may not have the need to talk about it as much anymore.  We may even be having some mergings…… but we still are a we. Still switch, etc. I need to realize that not everyone is able to meditate. Not everyone wants to do this.  I can’t expect them too.

I feel better having written this.  Much better.   I got caught up in what the article said to do. Lost track of what Satia said.   That was my mistake.

Sierra

Commit To sit- day 1

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As I said in my previous post Commit to sit started today.  While  I’m not sure I will post every day, I will post when I feel the need.

I am not meditating in the morning as with a toddler, the morning is a busy time. I do my first meditation at nap time.

I was a bit annoyed at nap as I had other things to do. Seems always to be that way- i’m sure you can relate.   I tried to meditate sitting up but for whatever reason that just doesn’t work for us……. So laying down I went.   At first it was hard to stop thinking of all I should be doing, but before long all was quiet in my mind…….. no easy feat when you live with a head full of people.  Anyways

I had trouble with the meditating on the subject of breath. When we meditate we do so to clear our head, to be silent, quiet, to just be. So trying to meditate on a subject didn’t really work.   What I ended up doing is picturing the word breath in my head and just holding it there while I meditating.

Fast forward to tonight-  A book caught my attention at the library- “Adventures in mixed Media”.  Anyone who has read this blog for any time knows we love to collage.    I was inspired after not long.  I ended up creating a collage using ‘breath’.

I just thought of breath.  Repeated it to myself as I created my collage.   My intention was not to do this until next weekend. To incorporate collage into my weekend meditation sessions.   But I went with it anyways. Why push aside what was wanting to break free.

So here is what I ended up with-

DSCN2484

I think I’m just going to count that as my nightly meditation session.  I will likely meditate anyways as we do so before bed.