Monthly Archives: August 2011



Leaving on saturday for hometown. Feeling increasingly nervous which we expected. Also feeling not alone…. We have talked a lot about it in therapy and Carolyn had said many times that she is just a phone call away, we can set up a phone appointment if needed.  Nathan is of course a phone or text away as well.

We also have some ways to deal with certain situations we fear will come up with mother.  We have written down with carolyn’s help things to say in each situation.

We feel prepared, but still nervous and I think that is to be expected.

This will be the first time back in that town without nathan.   Actually the first time away from nathan since early in our dating, over 10 years ago.

I think it will be good for us. Lately we feel………. I dunno more friends with Nathan than husband/wife.  Along with increasingly bothered by his anger at what seems to be everything.

So no internet there. Well at nana and paps house anyways. Of course McD’s has wifi and other places. And we do plan to go there some to get online, as it is part of our self care….

Hoping to learn more about mother and nana/pap while we are there. We realize how little we know about her life.  We finally are at a place in healing where we can see her as a person and not a mother who failed us. 

It’s weird that place has a pull. It’s like a vortex that pulls us in and down. yuck.  There are so few good things about that city, but one of them a dear friend, the best friend we’ve ever had is in the area and we will be seeing her which will be great. We are looking forward to it. We just wish we were going in two weeks later so we could go to her wedding, but mother can’t get off work then.



Dalai Lama


I’ve always had this fascination with the Dalai Lama. Since I found out about his existence.  I’m not sure what it is. I have several times tried to read about him, about Buddhism………. I always  have ended up having strange reactions to it.  I choose to take that as I just wasn’t ready. My soul wasn’t ready. 

I’m trying again. This time- ‘My Spiritual Journey’ The Dalai Lama.   I’m not far in……… About 11 pages. And something has struck me already.  He talks about Love-about how part of our existence makes us need love. He goes on to write about parents… How they had to love us, care for us properly for our brain to grow properly.  That hit me.  I didn’t have the first thing I needed. The love of my parents.  

It’s left me really? Unsure how to love.  Uncomfortable with love.