It occurred to us (me?) this morning that we (I?) aren’t happy. And I have no idea if it is just me or all of us. Not happy. And that was a gut punch. It never was a possibility before. Never had the chance to be happy or not happy, was too busy dealing with memories and horror. Too much in the middle of that hell to think if I (we) were happy or not.
Not happy. And so I ask myself why? What is it we (I) aren’t happy about?? Nathan is the big thing and that, THAT makes us (me) want to cry. That is something we never questioned, never thought about, never thought of as a possibility. I know all of us don’t love him, aren’t in love with him, but it isn’t that. That isn’t the issue at all. The issue is his anger. The issue is that it is ALL THE TIME. He is always a hair away from yelling, a hair away from loosing his temper. He says “It’s a bad year, he’s annoyed all the time, work sucks, money sucks, no hope of making more, Troy is terrible two’s. ” And I heard him and yes many of those if not all are true, and if those are his perceptions who am I to say. But the thing is that he is angry all the time. And that is not okay. I deserve better, we deserve better. It’s gotten to the point that we are glad he isn’t home til 430. To the point where it is harder with him home. He yells, We are on eggshells, never sure what will set him off, Troy is different, more whiney, more something, less happy, just different. And it isn’t okay. We all get grumpy sometimes we all have bad times, but I don’t want to live this way forever. I don’t want this to be our lives. I don’t want this forever and if things aren’t going to change, and nothing nathan has said indicates different then what is the point?? It isn’t okay to yell that way, isn’t okay it isn’t our childhood or our upbringing, that isn’t it. It just isn’t okay as an adult woman that stuff.
And then we get all confused. Because it isn’t okay for him to yell, or it to be all the time, but It isn’t just that. It’s the walking on eggshells that really is getting to us. The never knowing when he is going to yell, the never knowing what will set him off. That feeling that we can’t say or shouldn’t say anything for fear of setting him off that we can’t live with. And that I think is from childhood? Or I don’t know. Have to talk to Carolyn about it now that we recognize it. It’s just like it was growing up. Mother never knew when she would yell, or ignore me(us), father, never knew. It is like being in my childhood okay and I can’t, I won’t live this way. I shouldn’t have to.
We stopped taking our anxiety med, our antidepressent, and then we wonder is that where this is coming from? Is it even real feelings? And if it is who cares? What right have we to want to be happy? Isn’t it selfish? I mean nathan put up with us through that hell, don’t we owe him??? Sharyn says we don’t owe him or anyone anything,b ut do we?? C arolyn would say to talk to him about it, and we try, oh how we try, but in a conversation face to face, we get all confused, upset and tripped up and end up getting nowhere, he ends up leaving us feeling it is our fault, it is our pasts fault and that it is okay that he is always angry.
And then is it just me (meagan) feeling this way? It isn’t a secret that I am gay or that I hate this marriage. So is it just me? ? If it is just me then I have to just deal, I mean the good of the system right? Is it just my thoughts my feelings??? I don’t know. Everything is so blurred lately. It is so hard to tell.
I’m tired of his, oh woah is me we are poor I can’t deal with that it makes me angry shit. It has always been that way and I’m over it. I want to tell him to get over it. Deal with it and move on. Economy sucks, he is lucky to have a job, many many people are in our shoes. All being angry all the time is doing is pushing us away. Making us not want to try.
And yet……… yet I know that we can’t support Troy on our own. We simply can’t make enough money, so really it doesn’t matter if we are happy does it?? Cuz right now there is nothing we can do. Nothing we can do to change it. Maybe someday, yes someday no maybe about it, but for now we are stuck. So then the issue becomes how do we make the best of it?? How do we shield ourselves and what do we do?? Learn to not have that walk on eggshells feeling? And how do we go about doing that?? This ties into the father somehow but into the mother as well. Into stuff we haven’t talked about yet in therapy and need to.
Feeling like………… it is all the same over and over and no change, no hope for change. Feeling bored and so lonely so isolated and lonely and horrid and sad. Nobody totalk to. Try to talk to kim but she just ignores anything I say about me. And it just grows and festers and festers and grows and I can’t sleep. We can’t sleep, even with the ambien. Sleeping 4 or so hours a night and running around with Troy 12 hours and running a house, and just everything grows and festers and gets worse and we are going to explode. Want to cut and cut and cut. Let the pain out, feel better, find that relief. But I know if we do then it will all be gone, the feelings the insight, all of it, into nothingness. That is how it works, and so we don’t, I don’t. Want to try to do something, change something, say something, I dunno but something. Don’t want to be stuck int his same shit pit of feeling going round and round anymore, so we try to stick with it, stay with it. And it sucks. Yup sometimes it just sucks. And there is nothing more to it then that, It sucks. And we even sometimes just want people to agree yes it sucks, or just a simple we hear you and we are sorry you are struggling so much. Just want to be heard, need to be heard. Deserve to be heard.
Today had the thought while in the car, while Troy was in the car that we should just die (just a thought not an action plan) that it would just be easier, It went like this. We aren’t happy why no just end it, just die. Then nothing else to worry about. Nothing to deal with. Happiness won’t matter then. And then it occurred to us that that was a silly reason to have that thought, but just the same we would keep it in mind. Couldn’t leave troy though. Couldn’t do it to him.