Monthly Archives: September 2011

Health Insurance

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Every year, and I do mean EVERY year nathans health insurance changes. I am so very sick of it. In the months after Troy was born, I finally found a therapist. Not just a therapist the right one for me. We work hard in therapy and it is helping.

Yet every time insurance changes we have to face the idea for months that Carolyn may not be on the approved list.  What right do companies have to tell me who I can and can’t see? What gives them that right? I pay money for insurance? I don’t tell them what I will and won’t pay?? Yet they have all the power (and there is the trigger)

This January, the insurance wouldn’t cover Carolyn even after she called and asked to be on their list, apparently they had enough Therapists in her area (WTF??)  So if I wanted to go it would be out of pocket………..  The big issue? There was an 800$ deductible to meet first…………

I don’t remember exactly how, but we worked it out with her.  So we could keep going. I think our copay is 20 but we pay 30 towards that 800$ and she told them we paid it already or something, I dunno.  Anyways……….

This next year will be very different, in that…….. and i’m not super clear on the details, neither is nathan, but we pay money that goes into an account, then we get a card with a percentage of that money, we can see whomever we want (that’s good) but there is again a deductible of either 500 or 800 to meet before they pay anything.  I’m also unclear on what happens if our needs exceeds whatever the account has in it.  When you consider the cost of therapy- 125$ a week before insurance x the weeks in the year, even taking off some for vacations and holidays, well it is likely to be higher than whatever we pay into an account.  Either that or we won’t be able to afford the account-another huge worry as nathan can’t seem to find out how much this is going to cost.

Ugh.  What are we going to do if we have to stop seeing carolyn??

Meagan

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mi fet

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n da bigs sumtymz don lisen an sit wen da fets hert den i git tigrd an uset
an dat b no niyc

n da big noz gi mayd me stan on mi tipi toz
sa ifn i wana run wa i pa fo dat
but i no tri run wa
i no no wot he tawk bowt
n i hafta stan on tipi toz fo ebr
n i do dat lon lon lon tiym
den tawk ta carlin an se hep me lern ta b on mi flats
n dat be niyc
n jis wan fets no hert
n jist b tigrd an uset

tipi

little annoyance

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know what annoys me?? Blogs that I go to and music comes on.  If I wanted music I would put it on. I don’t want to read your blog to the music you like. I most likely don’t like it. Not to mention I do most of my blog reading when Troy is in bed. I don’t want music suddenly blarring out, nor should I have to mute my computer to keep that from happening.  It is even worse when It PLAYS over the Steelers game I am listening to online.  ARGH!

slightly overwhelmed

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Feeling slightly overwhelmed. Nathan was always our rock. Our help and savior and just so awesome when we couldn’t function. But it was like we got ‘healthy’ and began to move beyond and he got angry. we ended the T session today with that, so gonna think about it, see if there is a connection or just a coincidence.

Carolyn says N can’t be the martyr, the hero if we aren’t ‘sick’ that we threaten him by being ‘well’. Honestly that just saddens us. Makes us cry and cry. What he doesn’t get is that we got well for him, to be a wife and a mother, to not be the disaster we were, not for us, but for him. Oh in the end it was for us, but we began it for him and did it for him for a long time.

It is like a slap in the face. Suddenly he is a full time asshole and we are like wtf. What happened. He’s always had a temper, been quick to anger, but now it is just ridicullous. It is all the time, and that is the issue. ALL… THE…. TIME

We wrote that we feel stuck and in a way we do but moreso we just aren’t ready to think of anything else. Not ready to give up on the relationship. And yet also not wanting to do all the work. It is not my issue, i want him to work on it.

We stopped taking our meds. (except our ambien) I think we need to take it again. We are safe but having SU thoughts. Feeling very sad and lumpy in the throat, leaking.

We made up our minds and we are going to share our story. We need to see it, to share it, to speak it. Not sure if there is still a place here to do that, but if not will will put it on our blogs. (which you can find links to somewhere on this board or by pm us. )

Missing Mallow in this moment. He would always cuddle me when i was sad or upset.

I have many blogs. Want to just have one, would be so much easier, This one here and blogger and multiply. Oy. What a pain. This one seems the one that gets left aside, forgotten about. Not by design jsut happens. Still working on getting them all copied when I post to one.

Not happy

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9:49:37 pm

It occurred to us (me?) this morning that we (I?) aren’t happy. And I have no idea if it is just me or all of us.  Not happy.  And that was a gut punch.  It never was a possibility before. Never had the chance to be happy or not happy, was too busy dealing with memories and horror.  Too much in the middle of that hell to think if I (we) were happy or not.

Not happy. And so I ask myself why? What is it we (I) aren’t happy about??  Nathan is the big thing and that, THAT makes us (me) want to cry.  That is something we never questioned, never thought about, never thought of as a possibility.  I know all of us don’t love him, aren’t in love with him, but it isn’t that. That isn’t the issue at all. The issue is his anger.  The issue is that it is ALL THE TIME. He is always a hair away from yelling, a hair away from loosing his temper.  He says  “It’s a bad year, he’s annoyed all the time, work sucks, money sucks, no hope of making more, Troy is terrible two’s.  ”  And I heard him and yes many of those if not all are true, and if those are his perceptions who am I to say. But the thing is that he is angry all the time. And that is not okay. I deserve better, we deserve better. It’s gotten to the point that we are glad he isn’t home til 430.  To the point where it is harder with him home. He yells, We are on eggshells, never sure what will set him off, Troy is different, more whiney, more something, less happy, just different.   And it isn’t okay. We all get grumpy sometimes we all have bad times, but I don’t want to live this way forever. I don’t want this to be our lives. I don’t want this forever and if things aren’t going to change, and nothing nathan has said indicates different then what is the point?? It isn’t okay to yell that way, isn’t okay it isn’t our childhood or our upbringing, that isn’t it. It just isn’t okay as an adult woman that stuff.

And then we get all confused. Because it isn’t okay for him to yell, or it to be all the time, but It isn’t just that. It’s the walking on eggshells that really is getting to us. The never knowing when he is going to yell, the never knowing what will set him off. That feeling that we can’t say or shouldn’t say anything for fear of setting him off that we can’t live with. And that I think is from childhood? Or I don’t know. Have to talk to Carolyn about it now that we recognize it.  It’s just like it was growing up. Mother never knew when she would yell, or ignore me(us), father, never knew. It is like being in my childhood okay and I can’t, I won’t live this way.  I shouldn’t have to.

We stopped taking our anxiety med, our antidepressent, and then we wonder is that where this is coming from?  Is it even real feelings? And if it is who cares? What right have we to want to be happy? Isn’t it selfish? I mean nathan put up with us through that hell, don’t we owe him???  Sharyn says we don’t owe him or anyone anything,b ut do we??   C arolyn would say to talk to him about it, and we try, oh how we try, but in a conversation face to face, we get all confused, upset and tripped up and end up getting nowhere, he ends up leaving us feeling it is our fault, it is our pasts fault and that it is okay that he is always angry.

And then is it just me (meagan) feeling this way? It isn’t a secret that I am gay or that I hate this marriage. So is it just me? ? If it is just me then I have to just deal, I mean the good of the system right? Is it just my thoughts my feelings??? I don’t know. Everything is so blurred lately. It is so hard to tell.

I’m tired of his, oh woah is me we are poor I can’t deal with that it makes me angry shit. It has always been that way and I’m over it.   I want to tell him to get over it. Deal with it and move on.   Economy sucks, he is lucky to have a job, many many people are in our shoes.  All being angry all the time is doing is pushing us away.   Making us not want to try.

And yet……… yet I know that we can’t support Troy on our own. We simply can’t make enough money, so really it doesn’t matter if we are happy does it?? Cuz right now there is nothing we can do. Nothing we can do to change it. Maybe someday, yes someday no maybe about it, but for now we are stuck. So then the issue becomes how do we make the best of it?? How do we shield ourselves and what do we do?? Learn to not have that walk on eggshells feeling? And how do we go about doing that??  This ties into the father somehow but into the mother as well. Into stuff we haven’t talked about yet in therapy and need to.

Feeling like…………  it is all the same over and over and no change, no hope for change. Feeling bored and so lonely so isolated and lonely and horrid and sad. Nobody totalk to.  Try to talk to kim but she just ignores anything I say about me.   And it just grows and festers and festers and grows and I can’t sleep. We can’t sleep, even with the ambien.  Sleeping 4 or so hours a night and running around with Troy 12 hours and running a house, and just everything grows and festers and gets worse and we are going to explode.  Want to cut and cut and cut. Let the pain out,  feel better, find that relief.  But I know if we do then it will all be gone, the feelings the insight, all of it, into nothingness. That is how it works, and so we don’t, I don’t. Want to try to do something, change something, say something, I dunno but something. Don’t want to be stuck int his same shit pit of feeling going round and round anymore, so we try to stick with it, stay with it.  And it sucks. Yup sometimes it just sucks.  And there is nothing more to it then that, It sucks. And we even sometimes just want people to agree yes it sucks, or just a simple we hear you and we are sorry you are struggling so much. Just want to be heard, need to be heard.  Deserve to be heard.

Today had the thought while in the car, while Troy was in the car that we should just die (just a thought not an action plan) that it would just be easier, It went like this. We aren’t happy why no just end it, just die. Then nothing else to worry about. Nothing to deal with. Happiness won’t matter then.   And then it occurred to us that that was a silly reason to have that thought, but just the same we would keep it in mind.  Couldn’t leave troy though.  Couldn’t do it to him. 

Therapy day

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After therapy we feel a lot better. It was just what we needed. To have someone listen to us as we talked about what it was like to go back there. We got some good ideas of how to talk to nathan as well.

Must remember that it is okay to not agree with him when he tries to say whatever we feel/say is because of the past. It is okay to say, we don’t agree and this is why.  Or we see how you could see it that way but don’t agree.

We did a double session. How nice. She is going to bill it as last week too, yay.

Feeling much better to just have talked it out loud. It is nice to journal it and talk about it here and on forum but it isn’t the same as saying it out loud.

Have to talk to Penny and appologize for that.  But will of couse wait until after her wedding and honeymoon. She sure has other things to worry about/do.

Carolyn said she was proud of us and that it took a lot of courage to do what we did.  IT was nice to hear that, wish Nathan had said that but it is what it is. It was nice to have it recognized how hard that was for us to do.

Have had a nearly whole day away today. Left the house at about 10. It is just what we needed. Feeling better every moment.  Really needed some me time, of course that makes total sense since it has been 3 weeks (other than the gym twice this week).

Got a few applications this week. That is next on our list- a job hunt! Exciting and nerve wracking as well.

Went to the LHN (cross stitch store). Got the halloween JCS book, the exchange charts for Mary, and of course a few things for me.  2 of the fat snowmen charts for Lizzy Kate’s new thing.   They are just awesome. Think we found what we will use that 26 dollars at 123stitch for.

And now off for some blog catch ups and then reading.

Meagan