Altoona- part 1

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The trip is over and we are so glad. We made it, we did it and we are proud and also dissapointed and confused and upset.   So many conflicting thoughts and we just don’t know what to think about or process first. We can’t wait til therapy on friday, we have so much to talk to Carolyn about.

The cleaning nana and pap’s house was harder than we thought, or maybe just hard in a different way.   It was hard to dismantle the house. They lived there for 54 years, that is a lot of memories.  So much love, so many memories.  And it was like we just took it all down.  It was hard.   Mother kept saying that it was just stuff, that nobody could ever take away the memories and see……… That isn’t how it is for us. For us stuff reminds us of memories, triggers memories. Without the stuff, the memories we can’t always find.  So it was like getting rid of memories for us. Like having to decide which ones were important enough to keep………. It was the only night time safe space we had, we could go there and really sleep and it is like that safe space is gone.  I know we don’t need it like we did, I know that we are safe now, but it is still…………..

It was saying bye to a very important part of our lives…….. and we had to do it without support which was hard enough, then with a person who doesn’t have our interests at heart (mother) and then we get home and try to share with Nathan and he acts like he doesn’t care, and acts like it was no big deal and doesn’t have time to hear about it.   And that just really hurts.  Really hurts some and confuses and saddens them, and others it just makes angry. It’s like the final straw of Nathan has no time to hear any of us ever.  Why continue to try they say?   I don’t have an answer for them. 

Jeanne

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