Monthly Archives: November 2011

Down and panicky

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Feeling down and panicky tonight. Been panicky all day. Went to the mall and had to leave a few stores and also took something to help calm down. Makes me sad that we didn’t tell nathan. Sad that he didn’t notice or ask, or care that we left stores.

Then later we cleaned the bathroom for first time in probably 10 years it’s a huge trigger and he didn’t say anything about it until a little said why didn’t you say anything about the bathroom. It was a huge deal for us and he doesn’t/didn’t care enough to notice.

It just makes me want to walk out sometimes. Maybe if he was forced to see all I do he would appreciate it. I fe like the damn maid sometimes.

Sometimes I just want out.

I long sometimes for a drink. Something to numb my feelings zone out so I don’t feel don’t think. It would be easier that way. And yet it seems cowardly too.

I’d like to cut. To do something anything to get rid of this limb, these impending tears. Not because crying is weak but because to give in to it is weak. Because tears aren’t worth it don’t help. Because its just hard

Meagan

Thanksgiving

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Usually holidays aren’t our thing. In the past we often have been disasters. It all sorts of things really which I’d like to get into another time.

What I want to say now is that for the first time ever we are looking forward to thanksgiving. This is huge for us. And we recognize that. Yay us.

It was hard last year as we told people no to going to there houses for dinner. I think it is something only children of divorce can understand. We stay at home on thanksgiving. Have no desire to go to anyone else’s house. Nobody has to understand though, just respect our wishes.

Im cooking which i just love to do K (sis-in-law) is wondering about the amount of food but honestly I don’t care. It is a day to eat too much and leftovers are always good for days.

It is bittersweet that I can’t see nana and pAp. Not sure how many more they have left at 89.

Anyways I have their special holiday dishes to use as well as I am making a cherry pie which nana always did for mystery and I. I’m making Cinnabon clones too.

I wish I had money for shopping black Friday….it was something only nana and I did. But I will start putting money back weekly to have something next year.

It was a LOT of hard work and it’s never done never over but I finally have arrived in the present in my life and I’m content and working to make things even better