Down and panicky

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Feeling down and panicky tonight. Been panicky all day. Went to the mall and had to leave a few stores and also took something to help calm down. Makes me sad that we didn’t tell nathan. Sad that he didn’t notice or ask, or care that we left stores.

Then later we cleaned the bathroom for first time in probably 10 years it’s a huge trigger and he didn’t say anything about it until a little said why didn’t you say anything about the bathroom. It was a huge deal for us and he doesn’t/didn’t care enough to notice.

It just makes me want to walk out sometimes. Maybe if he was forced to see all I do he would appreciate it. I fe like the damn maid sometimes.

Sometimes I just want out.

I long sometimes for a drink. Something to numb my feelings zone out so I don’t feel don’t think. It would be easier that way. And yet it seems cowardly too.

I’d like to cut. To do something anything to get rid of this limb, these impending tears. Not because crying is weak but because to give in to it is weak. Because tears aren’t worth it don’t help. Because its just hard

Meagan

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