Monthly Archives: November 2013

Wrap up-NaBloPoMo day 30

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30 days of posts. As a  quiet, shy person, talking is not natural for me. I’m the quiet one in the corner. No I’m not being a snob. I honestly just have immense trouble talking. I’m sure everyone is judging me and everything I could say is stupid.

I’ve “talked” more in the past 30 days then I thought was possible. I’ve learned that scheduled posts are my friends.  I hope I continue to use them.

I’ve learned that there is a difference between talking and having something to say. I’ve learned when I have something to say people tend to hear and listen. When I am talking to talk, people may not.

I’ve had fun, and I’ve struggled with the discipline necessary to post everyday.

I’m glad I did this challenge. I’ll be back next year.

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Black Friday- Nana Memories- NaBloPoMo 29

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When I was older, oh say about 13 or so, after Father moved back to town, Nana started a tradition with me.  Nana loved to shop. Pap did not. He would go and hold her bags, but it was obvious he wasn’t having fun.

My mom works in the banking industry and always had to work black friday. Lee would go with friends, or father, or pap.

Nana would pick me up early and we would shop.  I grew up in a small town. Basically your choice was the mall or the small group of stores around the mall. There was only 2 ways to get to the mall, causing a yearly traffic jam. Still I loved it.

Nana taught me her black friday shopping rules. Rules I still follow to this day.

-Never go out with specific items in mind. You will likely not find them.

-Do go knowing who you need to buy for and what things they like.

-No matter the deal, if you don’t need it, it isn’t worth it.

-Always stop for coffee at least once during the day.

-bring a small purse or just money in your pocket. You don’t want to loose a purse in the giant crowd.

-Keep a list of people to cross off as you go so you don’t end up overshopping for anyone.

 

It was something just nana and I did together, and I have a lot of good memories of it. I’d do about anything for just one more trip with her.

And so now, now I go whether I have money or not. As a way to honor Nana and remember. And I always stop for coffee and a pretzel. We don’t have any Orange Julius anymore, but I always stop somewhere, and remember.

This year I do have a little money to spend. I also have the day off. You wouldn’t believe how dead the grocery store side of Meijers is on black friday. I will go shopping, maybe with my sister in law, maybe by myself. And i’ll have fun, and look for bargains, and I’ll remember and probably cry a bit too.

And I’ll remember, for my Nana, whom is 91 with advanced Alzheimer’s,  I”ll remember what she no longer can.

 

Thanksgiving- NaBloPoMo 28

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My parents separated when I was very young, 4. There was a complicated custody agreement that resulted in me and my brother spending every other thanksgiving with each parent. When father lived in town, the day was split.

I am now 37 and that still affects me. I hate going anywhere on thanksgiving. It has become a very personal holiday to me where I do exactly what I want. I don’t do family dinners with family I only see once a year. Call me selfish if you’d like, You wouldn’t be the first, but I don’t really care. When I was little I didn’t have a choice, now I do.

 

I remember having to leave just when school was out for thanksgiving. Having to leave my mom behind and worrying what she would do without us. I remember having thanksgiving dinner with people I barely knew and feeling so terribly lonely and left out.

When I got older and father lived in town, I fought it. Oh how I fought it. My mom would tell me she didn’t have a choice, we had to go, the court said so.  I remember one year, right after father remarried. We went to her families house for thanksgiving. It was horrible. My father and stepmother were the only people me or my brother knew. It was terrible.

I remember having to eat early with nana/pap mom, and having to leave early in the day when they were preparing.  I hated it. I remember having to eat 2 full meals in an attempt to have noone feel left out (I only did this when young, when I got older I ate what I wanted).

And so now…….. Now I prepare what I want, and eat with family who mean something. I don’t travel on thanksgiving either.

Some favorite quotes-NaBloPoMo day 27

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I love quotes. In fact I have been collecting them for years. I have them in my computer journal, my regular journal, the fridge, scraps of paper, my phone. Everywhere actually.

Here are a few of my current favorites-

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken,
A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable,
There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy,
And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength.”
(Rashini)

Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. ~ Marcel Morin

When faced with a challenge, look for a way, not a way out.~David L. Weatherford

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
“One is Evil.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
“The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which Wolf wins?”
His grandfather answered:
“The one you feed.”

“Forgiveness is primarily for our own sake, so that we no longer carry the burden of resentment.  But to forgive does not mean we will allow injustice again.”
Jack Kornfield, “Buddha’s Little Instruction Book”

Do you have a favorite quote?

 

triggers-NaBloPoMo day 26

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While many of our triggers have gone away, we do still have some.

We used to avoid them all. We avoided many things, and many situations to stay away from triggers and the fear/panic they brought.

Now though we are much better equipped to deal with triggers. We still have them. I think some things will always trigger us. Least now they mostly don’t fill us with a need to run, or a need to hide.

Some things we are still triggered by-

Angry men, christmas trees, icicles you put on christmas trees, small bathrooms, ants/any bug that crawls on me, very bad lightening storms with wind, the movie Alice in Wonderland, sweet tea

The only things we still avoid like the plague are sweet tea, Alice in Wonderland and Ants/bugs crawling on me.  The worst is ants.  While we no long immediately strip and scream when we find a bug on us, our reaction is still way over the top. Now though we can remove ourselves to a private space before we strip. Progress right?

I used to think healing meant getting rid of all triggers. Now though I see that it just means learning to better cope with and handle said triggers.

father-NaBloPoMo 24

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This post is a little heavy for the middle of NaBloPoMo. It isn’t one of my scheduled posts. But this is my blog and this is on my mind.

My Father

I’m not sure that i’ve ever mentioned him  in this blog before.

When I was in 8th grade, I had a project to do for english class. I was to make a family tree. I asked my teacher if I had to include my father because he was just a sperm donor and I didn’t think he deserved to be on the tree. He wasn’t a father I told the teacher. When I found out I didn’t have a choice, I took a failing grade on that project.

I have mentioned sexual abuse here a fair amount. It’s no secret here that I suffered sexual abuse. What I don’t talk about or mention is that my father was very psychologically and mentally abusive (his father was my main abuser). I could give countless examples. But honestly? It feels as though that would be defending my right to hate him. To feel how I do. And I won’t defend myself.

According to the University of Illinois counseling center, ″Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing’. You can go here for more.

So i’ll share only one thing.

when my father was trying to get remarried, he was having to get his marriage to mom annulled (this means in the eyes of the catholic church he was never married to my mom), he said he wished lee(my brother) and I were never born. That his life would have been easier. I was about 11 or 12.

I cut him off soon after I moved to this state. I don’t even know how it happened. I simply don’t remember.  That was 16 years ago.  When I joined facebook a few years back he tried to friend me. After talking to my therapist- I blocked him and sent him an I can’t deal with this now, and am blocking you. If I want to contact you in the future I will- mail.

Fast forward to now- My husband is trying to get government security clearance for his job.  He needs all this information from me and my family… Do you see where this is going? He needs information on my father. Hell I don’t even know what state he lives in let alone his phone number, address and place of employment. I was through my brother able to find his phone number. I have asked my brother to do me a huge favor and find out the remaining information for me. I just hope he is willing.

I have thought about what I will do if Lee won’t do it.  I can’t call him. I simply can’t. I love my hubby with all my heart, and I’d do just about anything for him. But I can’t do this. He will have to call father himself and ask if need be.

The idea of calling him makes me feel like that little girl who just wanted a dad to love and approve of her, just wanted to make him happy. It makes me remember how hard I tried. How impossible it was. How I was just a pawn in his game to make mom’s life miserable.  I won’t go back to feeling that way. I won’t be that girl again. I won’t risk my stability by contacting him, not even for my husband.