father-NaBloPoMo 24

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This post is a little heavy for the middle of NaBloPoMo. It isn’t one of my scheduled posts. But this is my blog and this is on my mind.

My Father

I’m not sure that i’ve ever mentioned him  in this blog before.

When I was in 8th grade, I had a project to do for english class. I was to make a family tree. I asked my teacher if I had to include my father because he was just a sperm donor and I didn’t think he deserved to be on the tree. He wasn’t a father I told the teacher. When I found out I didn’t have a choice, I took a failing grade on that project.

I have mentioned sexual abuse here a fair amount. It’s no secret here that I suffered sexual abuse. What I don’t talk about or mention is that my father was very psychologically and mentally abusive (his father was my main abuser). I could give countless examples. But honestly? It feels as though that would be defending my right to hate him. To feel how I do. And I won’t defend myself.

According to the University of Illinois counseling center, ″Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing’. You can go here for more.

So i’ll share only one thing.

when my father was trying to get remarried, he was having to get his marriage to mom annulled (this means in the eyes of the catholic church he was never married to my mom), he said he wished lee(my brother) and I were never born. That his life would have been easier. I was about 11 or 12.

I cut him off soon after I moved to this state. I don’t even know how it happened. I simply don’t remember.  That was 16 years ago.  When I joined facebook a few years back he tried to friend me. After talking to my therapist- I blocked him and sent him an I can’t deal with this now, and am blocking you. If I want to contact you in the future I will- mail.

Fast forward to now- My husband is trying to get government security clearance for his job.  He needs all this information from me and my family… Do you see where this is going? He needs information on my father. Hell I don’t even know what state he lives in let alone his phone number, address and place of employment. I was through my brother able to find his phone number. I have asked my brother to do me a huge favor and find out the remaining information for me. I just hope he is willing.

I have thought about what I will do if Lee won’t do it.  I can’t call him. I simply can’t. I love my hubby with all my heart, and I’d do just about anything for him. But I can’t do this. He will have to call father himself and ask if need be.

The idea of calling him makes me feel like that little girl who just wanted a dad to love and approve of her, just wanted to make him happy. It makes me remember how hard I tried. How impossible it was. How I was just a pawn in his game to make mom’s life miserable.  I won’t go back to feeling that way. I won’t be that girl again. I won’t risk my stability by contacting him, not even for my husband.

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