I have a terrible fear of the dentist. Now this is really no surprise considering my abuse history.  As my abuse was primarily by an older man, I cannot see a dentist who is old and male. It’s just way too much. WAY TOO MUCH! it is harder than you realize to find a  young dentist.

Due to my fear of the dentist I avoid it at all costs. Now I know this isn’t the best idea, but I really do the best I can. I am always up front about my abuse and my fear. I take headphones, my ipod, and a stuffed animal. I see a dentist who has a tv if possible for further distraction.

To add to the problem, I have a heart murmur. This means that the dentist never does same day work. I have to take pills before they can do work which gives me ample time to get myself into a super panic.

Usually I wait until the pain is unbearable before I see the dentist. As a person who dissociates I have a high tolerance to pain.

When I was little the dentist didn’t believe I could still feel the drill. I had a cavity filled feeling the entire thing. This sure adds to the fear.

So my gums are receding, it’s been at least 8 years since I’ve been to the dentist, my teeth are horrible and embarrassing. So the front is causing pain, the pain started about 2 weeks ago. I am going to the dentist at 7 am tomorrow. To say I am scared is an understatement.

I know all the tricks to decrease mouth pain…. Alternate ibuprofen and acetaminophen, swish with salt water, tea tree oil, homemade clove mouthwash.

I’m trying hard to keep in mind that I would rather the dentist and deal with the fear than the increasing and never ending pain. I would love to be able to go for more regular visits. I am thinking that maybe I can try every year visits. I know every 6 months is way too much. But maybe if this is the right dentist I can go every year. That may be doable.

It sure doesn’t help that the dentist is expensive. I have dental insurance and it is still expensive. The issue is what the insurance doesn’t cover. It is hard because we don’t have extra money, but what can we do? I have to go.

No I deserve to go. I deserve to be out of pain. I know that sounds odd but I struggle with the idea that I somehow deserve the physical pain. I don’t. Nobody does.


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