Aside

I’m not good with words and I never have been. I’ve always been the person trying to blend into the wall in the room. The one who is thought to be snobby for not talking. I’m simply too scared to speak, Too terrified of the attention.  To sure I will  say the wrong thing.

I guess that’s my way of saying that this is hard for me. Walking away was hard for me. Not bursting into tears at the sound of anyone’s anger is hard for me.

I can’t control what other people do. I can’t make him hear me say that his yelling constantly at T isn’t working.  All he does is tell me that all I do is let him get away with everything (which isn’t true). I can’t make him change, or even see how it upsets Troy and how Troy tries to please him. Tries (sometimes, he is only 4) to do what he wants so N won’t yell.

I can’t stop N from yelling. That isn’t mine to control. There is no amount of cowering or saying the right thing, or doing the right thing that I can do. I can’t control his emotion. But I can choose to not be around it. I can choose to leave the room. And tonight I did that. N is obviously mad. But he is my equal. N is my equal. I am as much Troy’s parent as he is. I am his equal and I don’t have to listen to that yelling. It is MY choice to leave. Nobody will take away my right to choose. Nobody.

It is my choice

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5 responses »

  1. I like how you kept saying you are his equal. This is correct, 100% correct. An equal doesn’t cower to another equal nor does an equal attempt to cause fear.
    We are all only human and we will get angry, however, when the anger rises to the point where one person is severely uncomfortable it is healthy and wise to leave the area. It is a right. We all have the right to feel safe.
    It is sad that people can’t be who they are without others feeling transferring. Why does quiet mean snob or talkative mean attention seeker? In public I used to talk a lot and get to know the cashiers. I did this because I hated going to the store. I didn’t want to be there. I worried I’d find a corner and start rocking. My defense was to sort of role play and appear to be okay. It’s hard to explain but I knew I was scared, not shy but scared but I still had to shop so I stuffed the feelings and started making the cashiers laugh. I got through it, came home and slept for no less than two hours. A one hour trip took a lot out of me. Talking isn’t as easy for me as it may seem to be. I just know how to put on a good show. I’m an abuse survivor, I know how to pretend that everything is okay. I’m also an abuse survivor who knows she has the right to be safe and to assert that right.

    Destiny

    • We have one or two like that inside. They talk to cover their fear and anxiety. It is all too easy I think for abuse survivors to pretend. It’s a double edged sword. There is safety in people not knowing my weaknesses. Not knowing when I am struggling, but that also means people expect me to be super functioning all the time as that is how I appear most of the time. Even when falling apart inside.

      • but that also means people expect me to be super functioning all the time as that is how I appear most of the time.

        You took the words right out of my mouth. When I pretend to be okay others don’t know if its real or not. They go by what they see. If I am not true to my emotions in a careful but truthful way then I could easily be put in a position of the fixer, the one to come to when things fall apart.. If I fall apart then they stand back flabbergasted because they have never seen the real me because I keep putting on that brave face.

        • Oh yes. I for sure have that same issue. People who know, especially those in online groups I used to frequent a lot, used to be jealous of our high functioning. They never understood that it isn’t all that great sometimes. Like you say people are flabbergasted when I do fall apart because they rarely see the real me. And to them I’m sure it seems to come from nowhere. Fine one minute, a suicidal mess the next. Hubby often says that he can’t keep up, cuz we seem to go from fine to very not fine in the blink of an eye.

          • Yup. I fall apart and people are like, dang, didn’t see that coming! They’re wondering what on earth to do. I talk them down a lot, reassure them, all that stuff but it feels like when I need them they feel inadequate to assist. It’s like they don’t know what to say so they say nothing, they get quiet, even withdraw. People forget I’m one of them, human. The same words that help them help me.

            This face we put on has a double edge indeed. It helps us function but blocks others from truly being able to know where we are emotionally. When we fall it does seem to come out of nowhere and it exhausts them. I’ve been learning, in the last two years, that allowing all parts of me to show at appropriate times works best with my closest friends. I ask them how they are doing and hope for an answer that is truthful with as much info as they feel comfortable giving. Even if I’m not asked….yup, I don’t wait for them to ask…I may right off the bat tell them, I’m not doing too well today lets have a slow visit without a bunch of excitement. It means I won’t kick into my natural need to feed people. I won’t serve small snacks and stuff. I just tell them if its in the kitchen, go for it. They know where I am and they have gotten more comfortable with me to let me know where they are. The true-er face has helped a lot in my healing process.

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