I’m not good with words and I never have been. I’ve always been the person trying to blend into the wall in the room. The one who is thought to be snobby for not talking. I’m simply too scared to speak, Too terrified of the attention. To sure I will say the wrong thing.
I guess that’s my way of saying that this is hard for me. Walking away was hard for me. Not bursting into tears at the sound of anyone’s anger is hard for me.
I can’t control what other people do. I can’t make him hear me say that his yelling constantly at T isn’t working. All he does is tell me that all I do is let him get away with everything (which isn’t true). I can’t make him change, or even see how it upsets Troy and how Troy tries to please him. Tries (sometimes, he is only 4) to do what he wants so N won’t yell.
I can’t stop N from yelling. That isn’t mine to control. There is no amount of cowering or saying the right thing, or doing the right thing that I can do. I can’t control his emotion. But I can choose to not be around it. I can choose to leave the room. And tonight I did that. N is obviously mad. But he is my equal. N is my equal. I am as much Troy’s parent as he is. I am his equal and I don’t have to listen to that yelling. It is MY choice to leave. Nobody will take away my right to choose. Nobody.