Monthly Archives: March 2015

Nana and pap

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My pap is dying. He fell a few weeks ago and there was blood behind his eye. Due to his age, 93, they decided to not so tests or anything, a few days later he fell again and became very confused. He was moved to the Alzheimer's community my nana is at (she is last stage) fast forward to this past Friday and he is no longer conscious. They estimate he has few days, to weeks, perhaps up to a month.


My mom immediately left from Oklahoma City and drove 18 hours to see him. I decided to not go. Instead I had my mom hold the phone up to his ear and I said bye to him that way.


I am sad but okay. Trying to remember the good times. This is but a drop in the bucket of all his 93 years why focus on it.


I told my boss I will likely have a funeral soon and she was sympathetic.

 

 

My childhood was abusive. My mom I've made peace with and she did the best she could. It wasn't enough but she did the best she could. She worked 2 jobs to support my brother and I. She worked full time at a bank then on weekends she worked as a waitress in a bar. My brother and I spent that time on weekends with my nana and pap.


My earliest non abusive memory is watching nana put makeup on. I can remember hoping one day to be as pretty and as knowledgeable on makeup.


My dad isn't in my life now and hasn't been for a long time. Even growing up he was a parent only when he chose and when it looked good to someone. Pap was my positive male influence. He taught me to change oil in a car, when to buy tires. So many little things that didn't really mean anything at the time.


Nana taught me to cook, to sew, to garden. She taught me of her family and life growing up. She gave me my first cup of coffee, taught me everything she knew in the kitchen. She even gave me my first cross stitch kit.


Together they taught me of love,mature love, devotion and marriage. My parents separated when I was 3. I have no memories of them together at all. I got married in October because that is when they were married. They married in 1947. 64 years.

THAT is true love.


And so i think in the ways that matter nana and pap were my parents. They were the good in my life. And so I am loosing my grandparents. One rather suddenly and quickly, or as suddenly as is possible when a person is 93. The other to a slow, devastating disease, that robs nana of her memory and her life.


I think it pains me most because I chose long ago to never tell them of the abuse. It was the right decision and I don't regret it. However it changed my relationship with them especially in the years when the abuse healing took over my life. I regret that I couldn't find a way to talk to them more during that time.


It pains me that the best decision for me was to say goodbye to pap over the phone. It's truly the only way I was able to say what I needed to without anyone listening. It pains me that I didn't have the courage to say f@@@ work and go anyway then tell my family I needed time alone to say bye. But I know myself and I struggle to stand up to my family.


And so I stay here and wait for news and updates. And i get angry when I am told less than truths, and things are glossed over. I have to ask direct questions to get answers. I had to ask to find out that when mom says sleeping she means unconscious. Is she protecting herself or me? I don't need protecting. I'm an adult.

 

Journal52-week 12- inspiration board

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The prompt for week 12 is inspiration board.

I started by covering the page in gesso. When that was dry I used pink, blue, and purple gelato which I covered with water. I used some diluted white gesso to tone down the background. I used a photo of the smokey mountains that I printed on paper. Mountains are a huge inspiration for me. I used a brown ranger archival stamp pad to stamp the trees, then black ranger archival ink to stamp the birds and butterflies. I colored them in with a white recollections pen, and a purple marker. I added the quote in a blue Bic pen. The quote is from O magazine and is Oprah. I also draw much inspiration from o magazine as well as quotes.

 

Journal52- week 11- just write

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For week 11 the prompt was just write. I did that and then took it further. I wrote my entry in ball point pen. Then I covered it with black gelato, and water. Once that was dry I used some leaf stickers as well as wood cutouts to symbolize the words flying away. I added sticker letters free to further symbolize letting go of what was written underneath.

 

Color page-journal52- week 10

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This weeks prompt was fun and easy. The instructions were to use a color page as inspiration.

 

I knew right away I would color a picture of a house and tree. Growing up, even into my teens I drew pictures of houses and trees almost daily, if not several times a day. I sometimes added other elements but the picture always had a house and tree

I used a black marker to draw my picture then crayons markers to color it in. I added the sky and trees with gelatos which I went over in water.

 

 

 

Artistic restraint- journal 52- week 9

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The prompt last week for my art journal group was artistic restraint. The instructions were to use only one color, plus black and white, and one shape to creat a page.

I found the background using these rules to be fun. It was nice to just use one color. The shape I sort of changed in that I used one stamp,but the stamp has both lines and circles so technically it is more than one shape. The quote was hard though. I struggled to find one, then the first one I wrote so badly and messed up so much I redid the entire page.

 

I used blue gelatos for the background which I blended with water, the I used black archival ink to stamp my 'Shape'. On separate paper I wrote my quote and fussy cut it then used distress ink in black, and the same stamp and black ink to make it white. Then I glued down the words. I finished by outlining the quote in white.

 

 

Journal52 week 7- love

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I just realized I skipped posting a week, week 7. The prompt that week on journal52, was love.

I really wanted and tried to do a page on hubby and I or son and I, yet all I could think about was my grandparents and a song, by Ed Sheeran. I finally listened to myself and this is what I ended up with

 

 

My grandparents will both be 93 this year, my nana has advanced Alzheimer's, though she no longer recognizes her husband of 67 years, I choose to beleive their love lives on.

 

First I put gesso down, then I used gelatos which I went over with water. I printed the words to the Ed Sheeran song, Thinking Out Loud, then cut them out with some fancy scissors. I did the same with a recent photo of nana and pap. I stamped the background with love, live, laugh stamps and keys in black archival ink, then added hearts I traced which I colored in with acrylic white paint. I glued down the photo and select parts of the song. I then added their wedding date and the flower cutout.

 

Journal 52- aromatherapy week 8

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I kept this page simple. This prompt was difficult for me. I had many ideas but just I don't know. Didn't know how to translate them to paper.

I ended up just playing with water color pencils. I ended up with this background. When I saw it, I knew my tree stamp would look great on it.

 

I colored the trees in with crayons colored pencils. Then I found a small woman picture and cut it out. I copied it so I can use the image again, then colored and cut it out and glued it down.

I added a few words and I was finished. It feels done to me even though it is quite simple. It was hard to stop and not add more.