Nana and pap

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My pap is dying. He fell a few weeks ago and there was blood behind his eye. Due to his age, 93, they decided to not so tests or anything, a few days later he fell again and became very confused. He was moved to the Alzheimer's community my nana is at (she is last stage) fast forward to this past Friday and he is no longer conscious. They estimate he has few days, to weeks, perhaps up to a month.


My mom immediately left from Oklahoma City and drove 18 hours to see him. I decided to not go. Instead I had my mom hold the phone up to his ear and I said bye to him that way.


I am sad but okay. Trying to remember the good times. This is but a drop in the bucket of all his 93 years why focus on it.


I told my boss I will likely have a funeral soon and she was sympathetic.

 

 

My childhood was abusive. My mom I've made peace with and she did the best she could. It wasn't enough but she did the best she could. She worked 2 jobs to support my brother and I. She worked full time at a bank then on weekends she worked as a waitress in a bar. My brother and I spent that time on weekends with my nana and pap.


My earliest non abusive memory is watching nana put makeup on. I can remember hoping one day to be as pretty and as knowledgeable on makeup.


My dad isn't in my life now and hasn't been for a long time. Even growing up he was a parent only when he chose and when it looked good to someone. Pap was my positive male influence. He taught me to change oil in a car, when to buy tires. So many little things that didn't really mean anything at the time.


Nana taught me to cook, to sew, to garden. She taught me of her family and life growing up. She gave me my first cup of coffee, taught me everything she knew in the kitchen. She even gave me my first cross stitch kit.


Together they taught me of love,mature love, devotion and marriage. My parents separated when I was 3. I have no memories of them together at all. I got married in October because that is when they were married. They married in 1947. 64 years.

THAT is true love.


And so i think in the ways that matter nana and pap were my parents. They were the good in my life. And so I am loosing my grandparents. One rather suddenly and quickly, or as suddenly as is possible when a person is 93. The other to a slow, devastating disease, that robs nana of her memory and her life.


I think it pains me most because I chose long ago to never tell them of the abuse. It was the right decision and I don't regret it. However it changed my relationship with them especially in the years when the abuse healing took over my life. I regret that I couldn't find a way to talk to them more during that time.


It pains me that the best decision for me was to say goodbye to pap over the phone. It's truly the only way I was able to say what I needed to without anyone listening. It pains me that I didn't have the courage to say f@@@ work and go anyway then tell my family I needed time alone to say bye. But I know myself and I struggle to stand up to my family.


And so I stay here and wait for news and updates. And i get angry when I am told less than truths, and things are glossed over. I have to ask direct questions to get answers. I had to ask to find out that when mom says sleeping she means unconscious. Is she protecting herself or me? I don't need protecting. I'm an adult.

 

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4 responses »

  1. My heart goes out to you.
    I’m really sorry. I am.
    I think your decision to stay home and away from potential upset not related is wise. Despite wanting to be there it may not help you manage an inevitability. You might end up adding stress from others to the stress and grief of losing a cherished one. Do you as an adult with family responsibilities have to do what is expected of you by societies standards? No. You do what you need to do during this highly emotional time. Your needs may change. At a different time (an hour, 2 days from now, whatever) you may feel you need to be there. That’s totally up to you.
    Again, I’m really sorry. He sounds like a wonderful person. 🙂
    Until again,
    Faith

    • That is for sure a main reason I chose not to go at this point. I know myself and my abilities and my coping and I need to be here to process this best and prepare for a funeral. Thanks for the reminder that I don’t have to do what society states I should, i.e. Going to say bye. What I need to do is say bye here and be in my safe space where I can do what I need to do for my selves.

  2. I am very sorry that you are dealing with the imminent loss of both your grandparents. The coincidental timing must be even more devastating. Regardless of your physical presence or absence, your grandparents will know that you are with them in spirit and holding them close in your thoughts. You need to be guided by your instincts at this emotional time. I hope the days pass gently for you.

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