Monthly Archives: April 2016

Everything means something

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I've had this thought all day going round my head, this wondering. I love to art journal, and I love to,watch YouTube art journal videos. I am wondering, do others out there have to have everything on the page be meaningful in some way, or do you just put elements together?

For me, when I do a page, it all has meaning, every element, every color, everything. I work intuitively for the most part, but as I do it, it all has meaning. It sometimes means pages get stuck or take longer until I figure out what it needs.

 

Do your pages and elements always mean something or do you just create pages?

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Changing my physical environment- a writing prompt

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Another writing entry, if you are here for the art journal entries, skip this.

 

This was the NaJoWriMo prompt from yesterday: if you had the time/money, describe how you would like to change your physical surroundings. What furnishings would you change? What color theme would you have? What would you get rid of? How do you think these changes would affect you?

 

I've never desired a large house. I don't need anything fancy. What I would love is something more secluded. I'd like to live further out, out of the city. I dream of a small home with a little bit of land. I'd love to have some privacy. A place we don't have neighbors on top of us everywhere. A place where their aren't people all around all the time. I want out of the city. I need out of the city. I'd love a pit puppy or rescued adult, but in the city I can't have that.

Oh, I still want to live within 20-30 miles of conveniences. I'm not wanting to give up the mall or shopping when I want. I still want a great school district for Troy. I'd love somewhere in Ross township. They have an awesome school district.

We've worked hard to save and buy furnishings that suit us. I'd actually keep what I have. I love my living room furniture still a year later. It still makes me smile. I love our giant bed. I love having the bedroom suit from Nana and pap. It was actually a wedding present from one of their families.

I'd add a better desk for art. The one I have is an odd kidney shape so it doesn't hold as much. Nothing fancy as I make a mess with art, just a rectangle shape. I'd also like to add some shelves to hold supplies and rolling cart or two.

I'd frame the painting upstairs, the yellow one nana stout painted. I'd reframe the one currently on the wall. Id have my chatelaine, Japanese garden framed and hung. I'd even frame a few of the art journal pages I've done and hang them. I'd hang the cuckoo clock that pap bought for nana.

I'd love to continue the teal/ gray color theme throughout the house. I'd add a splash of deep brown or yellow here or there.

I think those changes would enable more comfort and relaxing in my home. I think it would be easier to relax, to unwind at the end of the day.

I also think going through the house, getting rid of things I don't love would be a huge help for the energy in here. Speaking of I'd smudge the house as well. I always meant to do it before we moved in and simply didn't have the time. There has always been an oppressive air of helplessness in here that I struggle block myself from.

Although I've learned over the years how to better shield myself, my home needs to be a place to recharge and let down my shield. I need my home to be a place to recharge.

I need to clean out all that doesn't support the life that I want. It's hard because stuff holds memory for me. I fear getting rid of stuff means getting rid of the memories associated. Although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, even bad or less positive memories are part of who I am.

 

Perhaps though, those memories meant to stay will and the rest it is time to let go of. It's hard to make room for the now while holding tight to the past.

Pap- 1 year gone

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I'm attempting to share more written word like I used to write here many many moons ago. If you are here simply for the art journal pages, skip on. This was part of my journal entry today.

 

It was a year ago today that pap died. He has been on my mind all day. It's hard to believe it's been an entire year. A year of firsts, yet it's different today. It feels raw or something. I keep thinking this time last year I was….. This time last year I was beginning the hardest week of our lives. And I start to retread those journal entries and the pain and hurt and loss is just as fresh and real.

 

While helping me make dinner, Troy noticed I was sad. So he hugged me and asked me why I was sad. I told him I was missing my pap. He then asked me if I missed his hugs and if I would ever get a hug from him again. And all I could do is shake my head and let the tears fall.

 

I think today it feels real in a way I can't explain. There is some deep realization that he really is gone forever. I won't ever hug him again. I'll never hear him call my name again. And that is heartbreaking.

I came across this today and I think it says it all-

 

He was my pap yes, but my mom worked 2 jobs and my own father was an ass, so in all the ways that counted pap was my positive male role model. Why does it feel I have to explain my grief? As if I shouldn't feel so sad. Nobody has ever told me that. Yet I do seem to tell myself that.