Pap- 1 year gone

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I'm attempting to share more written word like I used to write here many many moons ago. If you are here simply for the art journal pages, skip on. This was part of my journal entry today.

 

It was a year ago today that pap died. He has been on my mind all day. It's hard to believe it's been an entire year. A year of firsts, yet it's different today. It feels raw or something. I keep thinking this time last year I was….. This time last year I was beginning the hardest week of our lives. And I start to retread those journal entries and the pain and hurt and loss is just as fresh and real.

 

While helping me make dinner, Troy noticed I was sad. So he hugged me and asked me why I was sad. I told him I was missing my pap. He then asked me if I missed his hugs and if I would ever get a hug from him again. And all I could do is shake my head and let the tears fall.

 

I think today it feels real in a way I can't explain. There is some deep realization that he really is gone forever. I won't ever hug him again. I'll never hear him call my name again. And that is heartbreaking.

I came across this today and I think it says it all-

 

He was my pap yes, but my mom worked 2 jobs and my own father was an ass, so in all the ways that counted pap was my positive male role model. Why does it feel I have to explain my grief? As if I shouldn't feel so sad. Nobody has ever told me that. Yet I do seem to tell myself that.

 

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2 responses »

  1. I recently called death a rip off. It’s a thief that relieves the suffering of one and compounds the pain of others.
    You don’t have to justify your emotions.
    I remember the long week with all its mixed emotions.
    If you’re up to it, maybe you could write about some of the positive memories. You could set it to public entry or private.

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