I'm attempting to share more written word like I used to write here many many moons ago. If you are here simply for the art journal pages, skip on. This was part of my journal entry today.
It was a year ago today that pap died. He has been on my mind all day. It's hard to believe it's been an entire year. A year of firsts, yet it's different today. It feels raw or something. I keep thinking this time last year I was….. This time last year I was beginning the hardest week of our lives. And I start to retread those journal entries and the pain and hurt and loss is just as fresh and real.
While helping me make dinner, Troy noticed I was sad. So he hugged me and asked me why I was sad. I told him I was missing my pap. He then asked me if I missed his hugs and if I would ever get a hug from him again. And all I could do is shake my head and let the tears fall.
I think today it feels real in a way I can't explain. There is some deep realization that he really is gone forever. I won't ever hug him again. I'll never hear him call my name again. And that is heartbreaking.
I came across this today and I think it says it all-
He was my pap yes, but my mom worked 2 jobs and my own father was an ass, so in all the ways that counted pap was my positive male role model. Why does it feel I have to explain my grief? As if I shouldn't feel so sad. Nobody has ever told me that. Yet I do seem to tell myself that.