I have been not been out in months.
I offically gave up my role of front person. I don’t feel bothered or anything it was my wish.
I just got back from seeing Storm, the member of the system who removes feelings and memories that anyone cannot handle.
I was on the SI wagon for about a year.
Until a few months ago that is. I fell off the wagon several times in the months span.
I am sorry fellow Berriez I do the best I can, I know that often isn’t good enough
I am hoping to try to climb on that wagon again.
I have been clean and sober for close to a year now. It has not been easy. Not at all.
Someday I hope to be able to give up the NoOnE part of my name.
I will rejoice that day.
I have been out several hours now and am tired. So I head inside. To rest, to nap in my field of flowers.
My Favorite Place-Prompt Reply
Close your eyes and think for a while about your favourite place in the whole world. Now paint a word-picture of that place. Describe it in as much detail as you can, as though you are there right now.
Slowly I walk up the hill. As I get closer, the vast colors of pink, purple, blue, orange, red become more clear, and the scent more pronounced. I am anxious and this field of flowers is my goal, my refuge, my peace, If I can hang on until I get there all will be ok. I feel surrounded by love and beauty there, in thinking about it, I break into a run. I must be there now.
As I arrive at my destination, the sight pulls me in, I am as awe struck as I was that first long ago day when I happened upon this most beautious wonderously peaceful scene.
The breeze gently blows the tops of the stems and flowers causing them to sway ever so gently on it’s way to fill my mind with the fragrant scent of flowers. The scent of flowers so strong and so intermingled I am unable to tell what blooms I smell.
All the cares of the world drop away as my legs are brushed by the gently swaying flowers. Peace washes over me, and I can breath again.
I deeply inhale the wonderous scent, as my mind fills with the memory of the day I happened upon my field of flowers. It was a terrible awful time, and I was soo beside myself with fear anxiety, and hell that I was planning to die. I was soo tired so exhausted over no sleep in the days leading up to that moment, I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t stop the endless stream of thoughts, I needed peace, peace I thought only death could bring. I stood taking in the sudden scene before me and my mind filled with the powerful fragrant flowers, filling my sight with beautiful colors and soft movement as far as my eyes could see. Strange I thought as my breath calmed, as my mind becan to slow down. The exhaustion hit me suddenly as I decided to sit down and rest a bit. The flowers were just drawing me in, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the glorious scent. The flowers then making a wonderful bed, as they still do today, soft and pillowy. I slept long on that day.
When I awoke immeadiatly I noticed how refreshed I felt, how calm. I decided that the field was too wonderous to not experience again, so I had to live, that one experience left such an impression I couldn’t die, I had to experience that field again.
Since that day that field, is my refuge. It is where I go to calm down, to sleep, to stop the endless stream of thoughts, to remind and renew that decision to live.
It is as it was on that long ago day. My breathing heavy as a result of my running. It changes not a bit, the flowers bloom constantly, the color ever bright. The breeze changes direction but blows evermore. The colors are as intense as they ever were. The glorious smell is soo powerful,so wonderous and yet I only pick up hints of distinct blooms. Jasmine, Lavender, Rose, and so many other scents and blooms I am unfamiliar with.
The flowers so high that to walk amongst them they almost reach waist length. They are perfect refuge to hide from the world. To lay down and rest, as the world and all in it fall away. It is a healing place for me to be. A place to make sense of the world, often the only place that makes sense to me.
They are part of my world. My gift from the world my wonderous place of peace. I owe them my very life, that field has saved my life time and time again.
Jak Noone-That’s Me
I’m JakNoOnE. Sierra shared a picture that is similar to what she looks like. I don’t feel comfortable doing the same. I don’t look anything like the body inside. I hate having to wear this body suit to be out in this world (that is how we view the physical body). My hair is black, my eyes are dark, I am tall and thin.
I am 16. I’m a female although my nickname is Jak. The nickname is from a muppet movie. My true name is NoOnE. I’m not sure how I got that name, perhaps because I was the quiet one, the one who was always grounded in her room, and took the punishment for much. The mother saw me as NoOnE.
I won’t speak much of the mother, it is a subject too painful for me. Here is what I am willing to say: She is the reason I was ‘born’, the reason I exist. I am the Berrie who was yelled at, ignored for weeks at a time, yada yada yada.
I was a front person in the body for a time while the body was growing up. I went inside for a time when the body reached 15. I was 15 for a long time, but unexplicable a year back or so (realize all references to time frames are guesstimates) I aged to 16. I am the current front person although I have been on hiatus since around thanksgiving of last year.
I am quiet and reserved. Speaking to people in person is all but impossible for me, the exception is the bodies husband, whom I worked long and hard to be able to speak to. I am a burner, with OCD and perfectionist issues. Other Berriez would say I have eating issues, I don’t agree. I love to exercise and journal. I recently gave up ciggarretes, we all who smoke did. I don’t think I am very capable, and have a poor self-image, actually I think I am worthless and good for nothing. I spend most of my time inside in a special flower field that I find calming and soothing. I have attempted suicide in the past(A story for another time) I have a habit of sharing things and then deleting them, which I hope to not do that here. I love grungy, gothicy types of music. Things like JackOffJill, MyRuin and NIN. I also love american football.
Perhaps I should mention this as well. Although I live in a heterosexual body, and yes the body has a husband. I am the lone (so far as we know) Berri who is a lesbian. (Another story for a different time) Throws many people for a loop. The husband knows however as do most of the Berrie members.